HelperElfMissy 42 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Originally Posted By: RobBright AUSSIE MEN: Increase you chances of pulling in Niseko, by thinking of some new chat up lines instead of "do you like gin? how about whisky? I have Canadian club at my dorm. want to drink some?" I did actually here this last weekend. Outside of Ezo's seafood. You sure they weren't Aussie teenagers trying to be men? Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 One wasn't called Reaper was he? Class top tips. Keep them coming! Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Originally Posted By: Nisoko Was this directed to Japanese ladies? How did you guess? Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 A CRUCIFIX held upside-down can be used to attract demons, or to call on the help of the Australian Jesus. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 NOAH: Leave the woodworm behind. Trust me. Sincerely, God. Link to post Share on other sites
kkk 7 Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 But only two might not be too bad, hey? Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 ONLY if they are both blokey worms. Link to post Share on other sites
klingon 10 Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 excllent TB. Andwell drawn too! Link to post Share on other sites
sanjo 2 Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 that is good, even if it isn't a top tip! Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Fact of corporate life, is that! Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 SAVE wear and tear on door hinges by only opening doors a little bit, and then squeezing through the gap. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 SNOWBOARDERS. For extra stability, why not fit a narrower snowboard to each foot and use some kind of sticks for support Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 TRICK FRIENDS into thinking you have a huge general knowledge by simply memorising the contents of an encyclopedia. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 New Viz has arrived! Will report...... Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 I'd like to thank all the news networks for their coverage of Cheryl Cole leaving Ashley. Without two days of solid coverage I would neve have known it happened. My local Sainsbuys had a sign upsaying "All our chickens are 100% British". Imagine being that racicst. I wish Willis fom Diff'rent Strokes would explain himself more clearly. That way, his litte brother wouldn't have to say 'wotchoo talkin''bout?' a dozen times every episode. Can anyone explain to me why God wants me to wait until 11am to buy a hammer on a Sunday. I can't find anything about it in the Bible. John Terry and Ashley Cole are a disgrace to the England football team. If they can't manage a crafty bonk without being caught by the wife who is on the other side of the country, how on earth are they going to bring down a German striker in the box without being seen by the ref? It's no wonder we can't win the World Cup anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 When they make the inevitable film of Michal Jacksons life story, will they use a black actor and lighten him up towards the end of the film, or a white actor who will start the film blacked up? In a recent interview Alan Sugar was asked if he should be referred to as "Sir Alan" or "Lord Sugar", to which he replied "either one is fine I'm not bothered". You've got to applaud his modesty. I saw several signs on the London Underground saying that due to engineering works on the Circle Line, that trains would not be running, but there was a replacement bus service running in their place. Well, I might be missing something, but if a train can't get down the trunnel because of engineering works, I don't see how a bus is going to manage it. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 I was watching the news the other day when I saw a report about how Muslim extremists had tried to murder a Danish cartoonist who drew depictions of the prophet Mohammed. I thought to myself that with all the injustice in the world, how pathetic it was that people coulsd get so angry over a cartoon. But then I remembered how radge I went when they first introduced that fiking Scrappy Doo into the Scooby Doo show when I was a kid. So maybe they do have a point. Thank goodness for Oastso Simple. Gone are the tiresome days of having to add milk to porridge and heat it up every morning. Now all I do is add milk to Oatso Simple and heat it up. I saw a toy on Amazon called "My First Castle". I assume that this is a niche item aimed at children of royalty. Unless I am underestimating how many people grow up to own castles. With our 20th Wedding Anniversary approaching nexct month, my wife told me last night that she conservatively estimates that I have farted in bed 73,000 times since I said "I do". Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Shouldn't the telly channel E4+1 simply be called E5? With reference to the above letter. I am a professor of maths at a university somewhere, and I can tell the man who wrote it that E4+1 does not necessarily equal E5, except in the circumstance where E=1. The expression E4+1 is mathematically (Ex4)+1, but since we do not know the vcalue of E, the expression cannot be simplified. E4+E=5, however, which is perhaps where the confusion comes from. Do any of your readers know if chimps drink tea anymore? Or move pianos? So John Terry gets to look like the big man by offering his hand to Wayne Bidge. But when I tried to shake his hand in the pisser at Embargoes on the Fulham Palace Road he told me to f*ck off. The hypocrisy of the man is beyond belief. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Top Tips (actually not so good this time I feel) Housewives. Don't waste kitchen roll mopping up spilt milk. Simply place a Weetabix in the centre of the puddle to soak it up and pop it in the fridge for the following mornings breakfast. Cheese graters can be used to grate carrots. iPhones make ideal iPads for midgets. PS I won't bother saying that iPads make ideal iPhones for giants. I'm sue your readers could work that out for themsaelves. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Aquarium owners. Slow your fish down to a more theraputic pace by filling your tank with clear hair gel. Sean Connery. Over-emphasise your Scottishness by rolling your Rs and occasionally wearing a kilt and nobody will remember that you haven't lived there for decades. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Well done gg. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Increasingly irrelevant recoding artise and complete bell-end STING has confessed that despite his famous marathon sessions between the sheets, he may have actually been "doing sex wrong" all his life! In a frank interview for the NME, the former Police frontman confessed that he only realised his mistake last month after unexpectedly walking into his parents' bedroom when they were making love. The singer, 58, hit the headlines in 1986 after boasting that by using tantric sex methods, he was able to make love to his wife, Trudie Styler, for up to EIGHT HOURS. Despite talking about his sexual prowess in every interview since then, he now admits he made the whole story up to impress some older boys he once met in a park. "One day I was in a park and some big boys came up to me", he told an NME reporter. "They started asking me questions about all sorts of things, dink, drugs, smoking - to be honest I didn't have the foggiest about any of them." "Then they started quizzing me about girls. They all said they'd "done it" with loads of girls and asked me if I had. I was still a virgin at the time but didn't want to appear foolish in front of them. So I said I had, lots, and that I could go like steam-hammer for hours on end. After that they threw my coat up a tree and walked away". A confused Sting, real name Gordon, continued "I meant to ask my mum what the boys were talking about, but when I got home she told me that my song Roxanne was number one in the charts and I had to go to London to be on Top of the Pops. By the time I got home later that night everyone was asleep and I guess I just forgot to ask". "After a while it became too embarrasing to bring the subject up and then, somehow, the rumor got out. By this time I was a major international rock star." I couldn't admnit I was still a virgin so I just put my head down and concentrated on acting like an arsehole", he added. Despite being married since 1992, the Geordie millionaire admitted that he's never really fully understood what goes on in the bedoom and said he received 'the shock of his life' after noises fron his parents bedroom woke him in January. "I could hear a lot of puffing and panting coming from their room", he said. "At first I thought I weas dreaming, but then I thought someone might be having a heart attack, so I walked in. I asked my dad what he was doing to my mummy and he replied "What does it look like?" "I was just so stunned I just turned around and went back to bed. After that I couldn't get back to sleep and just lay there next to my wife, Trudie Styler", he continued. Afte a lengthy clear-the-air chat with his following morning, Sting admitted he was wrong to tell silly stories just to impress people and said he felt relieved that the truth was finally out. "I promised my parents I'd never tell stories again", the grown man concluded. Link to post Share on other sites
1 4 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Quote: Can anyone explain to me why God wants me to wait until 11am to buy a hammer on a Sunday. I can't find anything about it in the Bible. What is it with those Sunday trading laws? Link to post Share on other sites
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