grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Aiming for tomorrow. Sorry for the delay. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 delay no more. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 EXECUTIVES. Save on expensive desk name plates. Simply change your name to Toblerone by Deed Poll. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 LETTERBOCKS Can any Doctor Who fans confirm what Davros did if he wanted a shit? I reckon his Darlek arse was fitted with a 'crumb tray' like you get with some toasters. A tag attached to the front of my new tshirt reads "We hope you enjoy wearing this garment as much as we enjoyed creating it". Bearing in mind that the shirt cost 7.99 and the label inside it states that it was made in Bangladesh, I'm not really expecting to enjoy wearing it very much at all. I think Jamie Oliver should be the first TV chef to go into space, whether the little facker wants to or not. So it's all right for John Prescott to park his Jaguar in the House of Commons Car Park, but I get thrown out of my local swimming pool for masturbating. It's just another case of one rule for politicians and another one for the rest of us. "Everythings achievable if you commit", says Robson Green in the trailer for his new TV series about swimming. That's a bit rich when the self-empowering gobshite's clearly been unable to achieve a height of more than 5ft2. I greatly enjoyed Kwik-Fit's recent, quirky "You'll be amazed at what we do" advertising campaign. But if they could find a spare moment in between playing the piano, hypnotising children and speaking Japanese, they might like to try doing up the facking bolts on my alternator properly. A lot of people have "had a go" at Johnny Rotten for apparently abandoning his punk principles in order to do those Country Life Commercials. But to give him his due he's right, it is nice butter. To the tall man in the newsagents on Stamford Street, SE1 on Monday November 30th. Buying a copy of GQ with an issue of Razzle tucked inside doesn't make you look any less of a wanker than if it was the other way round. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 I wouldn't be surprised if someone somewhere was being stopped from doing something as a result of the over-zealous application of H&S legislation. If this is indeed the case, then it will be just another case of political correctness gone mad. I wonder if we could use your pages to tell the world how shite Kev Gilbert is at pool? I don't know why scientists make sue a fuss about splitting the atom. Atoms are tiny. Splitting a big fack off rock the size of a house would be much more impressive. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 TOP TIPS Brides to be. Convince your beau that he is in for a lifetime of A1 banging by sucking his cock whilst wearing suspenders and a basque. You can then always slip into something more comfortable such as thick tights, vests and pyjamas after the honeymoon. Pretend to be an E4 programme planner by buying the entire DVD boxset of Friends and playing discs at random. GIRLFRIENDS. Increase your chances of getting the fairytale wedding you've always dreamed of by pretending to share your partners love of frequent, adventurous sexual activity. A week or so after the wedding, you can safely revert back to your prudish, uninterested self again while you pore over photos and videos of the big day. ALDI. Having tried your "deep filled" mince pies, I think the word you were looking for was "air filled". STUDENTS. Avoid spending a chunk of your student loan on expensive "out of bed look" hair gels by simply getting out of bed. ELECTRICIY companies. Please ensure that following a power cut the supply is restored at precisely 12:00 so I don't have to reset the clock on my microwave. Link to post Share on other sites
SKI 15 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 like the Davros one Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 more please Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 I thought it wasn't as good this month esp. the Top Tips. GG posted the best ones there for this time. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 PRISONERS ON THE RUN. Hide in a Toyota show room. You'll be safe for months. Don't nick a car though, won't get far. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 PUB LANDLORDS: Don't bother putting signs up saying GUIDE DOGS ONLY. Their owners can't read them anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 This maps looks good Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 that's got to be really magnified to be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 That was a freebie back whenbut they have reprinted on thick expensive paper and you can buy it for a tenner. Can't see a bit version online. Did you get that thurs? Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 for a tenner? erm no. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Perhaps he meant picking up the original? I wouldn't mind it actually might be worth a tenner. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 SINGLE this valentines day? Not to worry, you can more than make up for it on Palm Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 AIKO UEMURA...... Dont go first...the last one usually wins. Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 or how about - go faster? Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 Or just be a better moguler. They certainly are top tips. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 WOMENS CURLING TEAM: just imagine you are brushing up after your husband/children. It should make things easier. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted February 19, 2010 Share Posted February 19, 2010 LIVERPOOL. Avoid embarrassment by making sure you can actually play football before taking on the dregs of Europe. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 19, 2010 Share Posted February 19, 2010 In Private Eye: Eye reader Jason Price was baffled when 02 wrote to him to explain that - despite being a phone company - it was "unable to provide you with any phone number to make a complaint". But apparently he wasn't nearly as baffled as the people at O2 customer services themselves, who appear to have become confused as to what business they're in, concluding their emails "We appreciate and value your business with us. Have a happy stay". Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 OK, saw this in the "Orange" phone thread, so assume O2 are a phone co. Seems weird that they don't have a service call number. As I said in the other thread, the telecommunications ombudsman is the place to complain. In UK, here In Aus, here tried to find a link for Japan, but seems there's no-one to complain to there (except for the provider). Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 Originally Posted By: grungy-gonads In Private Eye: Eye reader Jason Price was baffled when 02 wrote to him to explain that - despite being a phone company - it was "unable to provide you with any phone number to make a complaint". But apparently he wasn't nearly as baffled as the people at O2 customer services themselves, who appear to have become confused as to what business they're in, concluding their emails "We appreciate and value your business with us. Have a happy stay". Link to post Share on other sites
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