Top Tips

grungy-gonads · May 28, 2010

BBC Producers. If someone from Newcastle appears on one of your programmes, show a short montage of them walking along the quayside with the Tyne Bridge clearly in the background. As far as I know, this has never been done before, but then again I am blind. And I don't have a television.

GIRLS. Embarrassing noises? Leave an empty trombone stand outside the lavatory door and people will think that you are just practising.

If you are over 10 metres in front of someone, don't hold the door open for them. You're not doing them a favour, you're just making them run.

Avoid being punched in the nose the next time you plan to insult somebody by simply saying "No disrespect, but..." at the start. It never fails to bamboozle the victim.

Parents. Confuse your children by taking them to Great Yarmouths outdated House of Wax, where they will invariably ask "Who's Barry Sheene"?

grungy-gonads · May 28, 2010

A ladder turned upsidedown can be used for climbing down off things.

Don't throw away your old record player. It makes an ideal revolving serving platter for cakes, where diners can pick a cake as it spins by. Set it to 33rpm for rock cakes and scones, 45rpm for Eccles cakes and Battenberg and 78rpm or Danish pastries.

Use your own personal seagull army to protect you from muggers. Simply push a wheelbarrow full of fish-heads everywhere you go.

Midgets. Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you area merely a long way away.

A few conkers threaded on and old bootlace makes an inexpensive "love bead" sex toy to surprise your wife with on here next birthday.

grungy-gonads · May 28, 2010

My mate Stan was once chased by an emu. Can any of your readers beat that.

Whilst watching a close-run horse race, the commentator announced that there would be a photo for second place. What a thoughtful gift, and a nice way to make up for the disappointment of not winning.

My mum used to say that you should always wear clean underwear in case you ever get knocked over and I always followed her advice. But the other week I was hit by a bus, and after looking at the open fracture on my shin, I shat my pants anyway. And pissed them.

I've just watched World War II: The Complete Story. Complete story my arse. Not once did they mention the time when my grandad was serving in Egypt and he shot a camel.

I recently saw jackass 2 before I had watched the original one. Consequently I had no idea what was going on. Could any of your readers fill me in on the plot?

What I don't understand about Quiddich in Harry Potter, is that whichever team gets the snitch wind the game, regardless of how many goals they have scored. There are effectively two separate games going on and the result of one has no effect on the overall outcome. If I was captain, I'd just tell my team to forget throwing balls through hoops and go after the snitch. Obviously JK Rowling doesn't understand ball games. I think she should give back all the money she has made.

grungy-gonads · June 12, 2010

New Viz arrived today Top Tips fans.

Will try to post some soon, for your good lifesytles.

thursday · June 12, 2010

damn, another 2 weeks

grungy-gonads · June 14, 2010

Keep wooden chip shop forks, plastic holly decorations and broken birthday candles somewhere handy. We keep ours at the back of the tea towel draw.

Convince people that you are a secret service agent by attaching a piece of curly telephone cable to your ear and occasionally raising your hand to it while frowning.

Vibrating cock rings make excellent shock collars for naughty ferrets and other small ferrets.

Fool your girlfriend into thinking that you don't fancy her identical twin sister by telling her that you think she is ugly.

Teenagers. Shave minutes off your daily routine by forcing your face into a collanger to burst your acne.

Out of work actors. Simply pretend that you have a job and, hey presto! You're working.

Hayfever sufferers. Don't waste money on expensive pills and nasal sprays. Simply glue a bee to your upper lip. The insect workaholic will grab all stray pollen heading towards your nostrils and transform it into delicious honey for your morning toast.

grungy-gonads · June 14, 2010

Serial killers. Avoid giving police several opportunities to catch you by only killing one person.

Tissue manufacturers. Printing sad stories on your tissues will make people cry even more, increasing usage.

Modern art galleries. Get chimpanzees to paint your pictures. Your visitors will be none the wiser and you can pay your "artiss" with bananas, peanuts and pieces of chopped up apple.

Artists. Save money on green paint by simply mixing blue and yellow paint together. Hey presto! Lots of lovely green paint for free!

Recreate Anish Kapoor's exciting Shooting Into The Corner exhibit in the comfort of your own home by hurling a paper plate heaped with a mixture of vaseline, strawberry jam and tomato ketchup at your living room wall every 20 minutes.

grungy-gonads · June 14, 2010

"We'd all be speaking German if we'd lost the war", goes the old saying. But is that really true? Because they're not speaking English in Germany any they lost the bloody thing unless I'm very much mistaken.

I can't see what those voters locked out of the polling booths have anything to complain about. They knew that voting closed at 10pm and I'm afraid that if they don't own a watch or can't tell the time, then they simply don't deserve a vote.

On her website, Esther Rantzen said that she was passionate about Luton and that she would continue to help its people even if she lost the election. Well I live in the constituency of Wigmore, and I really need my gutters cleaning out. I'm in most days, but she'll have to bring her own ladders.

Why did the BBC have a helicopter hovering over Downing Street waiting for Gordon Brown to come out and resign. Did they think he was going to come out on the roof and start throwing slates down or something? I don't pay my licence fee so the BBC staff can play around in helicopters. Not since Noel Edmonds left anyway.

The letter above is talking nonsense. He was PM for nearly 3 years and this was a pivotal moment in British politics. Thanks to the BBC, when politican commentators look back on his premiership, they will know exactly what the top of his head looked like on that day.

Forrest Gumps mother famously said "Life's like a box of chocolates - you neverknow what youre going to get". Well I can't help thinking that Mrs Gump was buying the wrong chocolates. The ones I get come with a little card that shows which centres are which.

The first past the post voting system certainly needs to be rethought after the confusion of the recent election. But other systems have problems too. Why not have a system whereby the electorate simply vote for which leaders wife they would most like to bang? This would have led for a landslide victory for Clegg this time round, and it would ensure that future ambitious politicians wound not go round marrying old boots.

I don't mind having somebody doing sign language in the bottom right hand corner of my tv screen on certain programmes for the benefit of the hard of hearing. But why don't broadcasters have a topless woman doing it so people with normal hearing also get something out of it?

I read an earlier letter that Alan Sugar is so laid back that he doesn't mind if we call him Sir Alan or Lord Sugar. Now it appears that he is equally at ease if mere mortals address him as Baron of Clapton as well. It is nice to have people like him to remind us that celebs are people too.

It seems that on her latest single, Rude Boy, Rihanna seems to be requestion that someone smashes her back doors in whilst pulling her hair and smacking her on the bottom. Could I use the pages of your magazine to let her know that I would like to help her out with her request? Not Thursdays, though, as it's darts night.

thursday · June 14, 2010

GG, really appreciate you typing all that. Honestly. Appreciate it.

Would you mind doing some spell check next time dude?

RobBright · June 14, 2010