grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 GIRLS. Recreate your favourite scenes from Sex and The City by strapping your tits to your knees and going to a cafe to talk utter bollocks with three of your mates. East Sussex Council. Save money on cleaning up graffiti by chaning the name of the River Uck to River (F)uck and be done with. Football commentators. When a player is mouthing off at the ref, make people think that you are cleverer than you actually are by insisting that he is "remonstrating" rather than arguing. Police officers. Tackle the problem of prostitution in cities by visiting "red light districts" and replacing all the bulbs with conventional white ones. Fellas. Pretend to be gay so you can befriend lesbian couples. Then have an affair with the cute one. If you've had a particularly hot curry and cold toilet paper isn't working, try applying some lipsalve to the affected ring piece, it works a treat. Just don't try to be a clever dick and put it back in my handbag after you've done so. Fat, balding blokes in your 50s. Don't buy Porsche 911's as you may look a bit of a tawt when struggling to climb out of them at Tesco petrol stations. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 An airport luggage carousel is ideal for serving sushi to giants. Street caricature artists. Avoid telegraphing your sexual fantasies to onlookers by not giving every single woman huge breasts, a lowcut top and a softporn pose. And while you're at it, nor all girls have enormous teeth. Wives of darts players. Put an oche in front of the toilet to minimise careless spraying. Make it appear that you have twice as many things as you actually have by standing them all in front of the mirror. The Vatican. Prevent the Popes assasination by replacing him with a giant glove puppet. You can never see his feet anyway and the speech would probably make more sense anyway. Make it appear that you have an infinite number of things by placing them directly inbetween two mirrors parallel to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 Cyclists. The hollowed out skin of a freshly backed jacket potato makes an ideal testicle warmer for chilly spring mornings. Environmentalists. Be careful when car sharing. I took a neighbour's car to go shopping and he was fukking livid. Dog owners. Avoid the unpleasant task of cleaning up dog poo by regularly feeding it condoms to achieved "pre-bagged turds". Gardeners. Discourage aphids from wrecking your flowers by putting up several "Beware of the ladybirds" signs in the garden. BBC. Put a stop to the awful monotonous droning noises at World Cup games by simply not employing Mick McCarthy as a commentator. Dieters. Dilute a pint of full fat milk with a pint of water for two pints of semi-skimmed milk. Spend the savings on a nice cake. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 LETTERS I read in the paper that 42 people are killed in accidents on South Africas roads every day. Why don't they simply get a bus with 42 murderers in it and drive it off a cliff each morning. That way, the roads would be perfectly safe for everyone else the rest of the day. I see that David James feared that the World Cup Jubilani ball could "leave goalkeepers looking daft". I would politely suggest that his hairdresses has got there before the ball on this issue. One of my mates recently confessed that while hung over he resorted to a drawing of the Fat Slags as a visual stimulus for masturbating. Have any readers resorted to less erotic material than this when knocking one out? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 Just because Russel Crowe is a fat, cantankerous Antipodean tawt doesn't make him a bad actor. It's his acting that does that. I think our star the sun is overrated. At least the moon gives a bit of light off at night. The sun only shines during the day, when it's light anyway. Can you please print "Ste Porter is about to have a bath" on your Letters page. It's just that I don't have a Facebook account, so I've no way of letting everyone know such mundane, pointless and tedious facts. Could everyone from the South East please tell me where they plan to holiday this year so that I can make other arrangements? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 ITV Sorry over World Cups Ads Blunder ITV was deluged with complaints after the station broadcast James Corden's World Cup Live instead of just some adverts. Viewers who tuned in during the month-long South African tournament to see the Meerkat, the BT couple, the GoCompare opera singer going through their paces and other ads, were horrified when the commercials were suddenly interrupted every night by an hour-long programme featuring a piggy-eyed fat man shouting on a sofa. An ITV spokesman apologies for the mix-up. He told us "It was a simple case of human error. Somebody accidentally commissioned this horrible piece of utter shite". "We're launching an urgent investigation into what went wrong, after which we'll probably give James Corden his own sketch show or a fukking comedy detective series or something", he added. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 indeed. A lot of work that. Link to post Share on other sites
@tokyo 14 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 What else is in there other than these things? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Lots of comic strip style stories. Most of them actually aren't funny. One or two make me chuckle. But it's the Top Tips, Letters and sometimes "articles" that are the funny bits. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Peter Andre and his big inflatable tit or whatever it's called is quite funny this time. Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Haha some good ones again. Link to post Share on other sites
Donna's Kebabs 0 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 I haven't seen that for years and years! Not that I'm old, you see Link to post Share on other sites
scouser 4 Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 Quote: Make it appear that you have twice as many things as you actually have by standing them all in front of the mirror. ... Make it appear that you have an infinite number of things by placing them directly inbetween two mirrors parallel to each other. Quote: Can you please print "Ste Porter is about to have a bath" on your Letters page. It's just that I don't have a Facebook account, so I've no way of letting everyone know such mundane, pointless and tedious facts. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 Good news Top Tips fans. New Viz has arrived! Give me a bit and I'll post. Link to post Share on other sites
Schneebored 0 Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 nice. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 As I have money to waste, I just went and ordered one of the DVDs that has the first 20 or so issues of Viz on them. Will be fun to see them, they were generally funnier back then (perhaps) and I don't think I caught many of them. Any other Top Tips for wasting cash? Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 Originally Posted By: grungy-gonads Any other Top Tips for wasting cash? Give to me. I would buy some pies and perhaps beer, so would actually not be a waste. Good cause. Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 Still waiting GG - it's been a day already. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 That was my "it's arrived" announcement. Writing up usually takes up to a week. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 1, 2010 Share Posted September 1, 2010 OK not today but coming soon. Quite a few chuckles as usual. Link to post Share on other sites
Schneebored 0 Posted September 1, 2010 Share Posted September 1, 2010 Originally Posted By: grungy-gonads Any other Top Tips for wasting cash? Get breast implants....sit at home...play with them. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 2, 2010 Share Posted September 2, 2010 Gents. Fool your penis into thinking it's having sex by shaking it vigorously whilst thinking of naked ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 2, 2010 Share Posted September 2, 2010 Footy fans. Fed up with watching England lose? Simply watch all their games in reverse on your Sky or Virgin box. This will ensure that all their games end in a nil-nil draw , which, lets face it, is the best they can hope for these days. Airbag in your Astra gone off and can't afford to have it replaced? A Ginsters pasty fits perfectly in to the hole in the steering wheel. Not only will it give a gentle cushioning effect on impact, but it will provide a tasty snack whilse you wait for the fire brigade to cut you out of the wreckage. Link to post Share on other sites
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