grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Klingons. Save money on expensive cloaking devices by painting your ships black. Traffic wardens. A smug grin when distributing tickets will both inform drivers you take price in your work and help to calm anyone upset to be receiving an enforcement notice. Save a fortune on your wife's hair by simply getting a wife with the right colour hair to start with. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you have taken steroids by running a bit slower. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Save money on expensive 3D televisions by watching your normal TV with your eyes crossed. Butchers. Increase sales by punching your customers, giving them a black eye. They will then buy an additional piece of steak to take down the swelling. Noel Edmunds. On Deal or No Deal, make sure you say "It's the banker" as you pick up that black phone on the table in case any of the mouth-breathing studio audience might not know who is calling. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Make you penis appear bigger in pictures by holding a fun size Mars bar or one of those tiny cans of coke next to it. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Can't find your wallet/purse/car keys when you wake up in a morning? Simply put them in the fridge at night and you will find them when you have your breakfast. Students. Stealing cheese from the communal fridge? Cut a proportionate amount off three surfaces so the cheese retains its original "aspect ratio". The next morning your flatmate won't be aware their cheese is any smaller and will simply think they've grown overnight. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 ha ha. GG Where do you get those fun size Mars Bars?...................................................................no, no, not for me - a friend asked me to find out really. Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 well done, mr gonads. i love me top tips. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 He does a good job. Link to post Share on other sites
klingon 10 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Do keep posting them gg. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Good news Top Tips fans. A new Viz plopped out today! I thought I would tease you and now make you wait for days before I deliver the goods (with kind permission of course). Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 on tenter hooks. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I always thought they were tender hooks! What in the blazes are these tenterhooks?! Link to post Share on other sites
griller 9 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I thought it was tender too Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 top tip! Get them posted! Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I always thought they were tender hooks! What in the blazes are these tenterhooks?! hmm. i never actually knew what it referred to until i looked it up on that interwebby thingie. Tenterhooks were used as far back as the fourteenth century in the process of making woollen cloth. After the cloth was woven it still contained oil from the fleece and some dirt. A fuller (also called a tucker or walker) cleaned the woollen cloth in a fulling mill, and then had to dry it carefully or the wool would shrink. To prevent this shrinkage, the fuller would place the wet cloth on a large wooden frame, a "tenter", and leave it to dry outdoors. The lengths of wet cloth were stretched on the tenter (from Latin tendere, meaning "to stretch") using hooks (nails driven through the wood) all around the perimeter of the frame to which the cloth's edges (selvedges) were fixed so that as it dried the cloth would retain its shape and size.[1] In manufacturing areas tenter-fields full of these frames were once common. By the mid-eighteenth century the phrase "on tenterhooks" came to mean being in a state of uneasiness, anxiety, or suspense, stretched like the cloth on the tenter. source: wikipedia Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Omoshiroi ne. A bit like tidbits. I always thought that was titbits, though that is probably just my not always totally clean mind. Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 tid·bit [tid-bit] noun 1. a delicate bit or morsel of food. 2. a choice or pleasing bit of anything, as news or gossip. Also, especially British , titbit. Origin: 1630–40; tide1 (in sense “feast day”) + bit2 source: dictionary.com It seems that titbit is used as well. usage is king. Link to post Share on other sites
SKI 15 Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Don't know why but that word always sounds annoying to me Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Haven't read it myself yet, tonight will do that. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I like to put the insides out of yesterdays newspaper inside the cover of todays newspaper, and leave it on the seat of the bus. Then I sit back and wait for the fun to start! I bought a pair of shoes from TK Maxx the other day. They were reduced from 160 quid to just 20 quid. I didn't like them very much and they weren't my size. And I haven't got any legs after I had a road accident last year. But I just can't resist a bargain. My Mum always used to say that if you don't have something nice to say about somebody, then you shouldn't say anything at all. Well, I think Adolf Hitler was always very nicely turned out, Pete Sutcliffe always kept his beard nice and tidy and PolPot was very nice to his mum. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I recently watched Nigella Lawson cooking a turkey and she managed to slip the following into the dialogue; Slippery, rub all over, moist, plumptious beauties, lubricate, wet, insert and penetrate. I am going to stop paying premium tariff sex lines, because this is just as good and you learn how to cook a turkey as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I recently placed a large bet on a horse and it didn't win. But when I went back to the betting shop to get my money back, the manage didn't want to know and sent me out with a flea in my ear. In any other shop, if you paid for something and it didn't work they'd give you your money back. No wonder bookies drive round in such big cars. Why is it that sunbathers in hot countries don't get any smaller as they lay on the beach? Yet when I put a rasher of bacon in the pan it shrinks to 60% its size in seconds. It seems like bacon suppliers have got a nice little racket going on, making us buy 40% more bacon than we need. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 What a waste or time these road signs are. I don't even drive a car and I really resent my local council spending money on them. I paused an advert with Steffi Graf using my Sky+ to take a good look at her tits. Then I remembered I had an iPad and could view endless images of a much younger, fitter Steffi on that. What a wondrous age of technology we live in! The Proclaimers said that they'd walk "500 miles" and then "500 more", if necessary, to know "at their babies door", which means that they could be walking up to 1000 miles. As Britain is only 600 miles long, I assume they must have walked into the sea and drowned. A tragic loss. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I heard that the government was close to a deal on climate change. If it's not too late, can I get my request in please. I would like longer summers (10 months per year) and milder winters please. And less rain. And more days off work to enjoy them. Thanks. Apparently the recently deceased dictator of North Korea was not only the world's greatest sportsman and warrior, but also the greatest lover ever known to mankind. That's pretty incredible for a bloke that looked just like my mother-in-law. Actually I reckon the North Koreans could have kept quiet about his death and hired my mother in law to take his place. That would have benefitted everyone as they could have kept up the legend and the great leader and she'd be 8000 miles from me. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Gooseberries. Make people like you more by not having as many seeds and not tasting like battery acid. Olympic swimming dope testers. Put some chemicals in the pool that go purple if there's steroids in the athletes wee. Then simply don't let them out of the pool when the race finishes, so they eventually need to have a wee. To speed up the process if there's another race scheduled to start, simply play the sound of trickling water over the PA system and give them several cups of tea to drink. Car drivers in Milton Keynes. Ensure your tyres wear evenly by taking every second roundabout anti-clockwise. Alligators make excellent replacement crocodiles for people who haven't got any crocodiles. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I bought a black cat for luck, and the first few weeks it worked a treat. I won the lottery, had it off with a Page 3 girl and everything. Then my wife noticed that it wasn't lucky at all as it had a few white hairs on its chest. Sure enough, a week later I got piles and the wife died. They say that rabbits paws are lucky, but my neighbours rabbit has got four of them and he's not particularly lucky. In fact, I just reversed the car over him and he's in a right old state. I might have to go finish him off with a spade. I also bought a black cat for luck. However, as I walked across the house it kept crossing my path, which is bad luck. These two lucks cancelled each other out and I found my life carrying on much as it was before. --- That's it folks I'm all typed out. Link to post Share on other sites
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