grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Hats off to Johnny Rotten for not selling out to the establishment. I'm sure the people who made the Country Life television advert were appalled by the way he wore his cap at a jaunty angle and wouldn't wear it otherwise, refusing to bend to their capitalist will. After reading about the recent growth of erotic fiction for women, I decided to buy Fifty Shades of Grey. However due to a mix up at the check out I inadvertently bought fifty copies of Shades of Gray, the ill-fated autobiography of Aston Villa striker-turned-misogynistic-pundit Andy Gray. I found it hard to get off to, but I got there in the end. Who says women can't enjoy a bit of titillation? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 With not being allowed to enjoy a pint, a bacon butty or a flutter on the horses, it's easy to see why radical Islamists want to blow themselves up. However, why can't they go somewhere in the middle of Dartmoor to do it? They are very selfish and inconsiderate, exploding in public where other people are going about their daily lives. The media routinely describe Kate Middleton as being just like "the girl next door". Well, the girl next door to me pisses in empty 7 Up cans and tosses them out of her window. I honestly can't imagine her face on a commemorative tea-towel. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Why do birds think it's ok to bugger off south in the winter and then come crawling back when the sun shines. I always tell them to fdck off when I see them. I bet the water companies regret imposing a hosepipe ban on us this spring. If all the water had of been wasted on our flowers then, come the rains, it would merely have replaced and there would be no flooding. Once again it takes Joe Public to state the bleeding obvious to the fat cats. May I take this opportunity to commend Buckingham Palace for putting the Queens diamonds on display to cheers us up during this bleak recession. It's great to see that during these times of increasing class divide, the royals are still in touch with the man on the street. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 When the Olympics have finished, does anyone know what BP are going to do with all those lifesize, laminated cut-outs of Jessica Ennis? Just out of interest. Girls. Save spending money on expensive hair extensions by growing your hair longer. Prevent your biscuits getting wet when dunking them in your tea by wrapping them individually in cling film. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Dole cheats. Add credibility to your disability by popping an NHS aluminium walking stick in your golf bag. Olympic small-bore rifle shooting final ticket holders. Pretend that these are the tickets you really wanted, and try not to mention that you unsuccessfully put them on eBay for 20p three months ago. Smokers. When you are outside having a cig, be sure to stand either side of, and as close to, the doorway as possible. When other people come outside, they will enjoy feeling like a contestant on Stars In Their Eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Orange. When your customers want to leave your service, charge them a million quid for the "disconnection fee". It's just as justifiable as the current 26 quid you charge now, and it will mean you retain more of your happy customers. Save money on expensive belts. Simply put on weight until your jeans stay up. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 That's it, sorry late. There's some other funny things in it this month actually. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks for sharing these GG - some good ones there Link to post Share on other sites
Slippery Jim 65 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 :thumbsup: Link to post Share on other sites
@tokyo 14 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Always very useful. Link to post Share on other sites
KlingKlang 1 Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I live my life by them. Cheers for typing up gg. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Hi Top Tips fans! Good news! New Viz has arrived. I'll try to be timely this time, better than last time anyway when I wasn't very timely at all. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Come on then we are waiting you know! Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 on tenterhooks once again. Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Ahem Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 OK I will try later today promise, I have extremely important work to do daytime. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I have enjoyed every minute of the 2012 London Olympics. The only thing that spoilt it was the ladies beach volleyball. It was such lovely weather, and the competitors looked uncomfortably hot in their costumes. And it's going to be even hotter in Brazil in four years time. Perhaps at Rio they could keep cool by wearing something a little skimpier, or perhaps play in the buff. I agree with the above letter. I felt very sorry for the lady beach volleyball players who were constantly having to tug at the legs of their bikini bottoms to release sand. It must become very tiring. In Rio, why don't they have someone who could do it for them, and perhaps brush the sand from their cleavages as well so the players can concentrate on the game. I would happily do it. I wouldn't need to be paid, I would do it for the love of the sport. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The BBC commentator at London 2012 said "You'll always remember where you were when you saw Mo Farah take gold in the 10000m." And he was right. I certainly remember where I was. I was lying on my sofa in my underpants eating steak pie and chips. Why can't medal winners at the Olympics find the time to change into a shirt and tie or nice dress before the presentations? Wearing tracksuits makes them all look scruffy and gives the wrong impression to the kids they should be inspiring. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Having just watched Zara Phillips in the Olympics, I feel that she would have had a better chance of Gold if her horse wasn't having a shit whilst jumping the first two obstacles. I would have thought that a horse belonging to the Royal family wouls have gone to the toilet before competing live in front of a worldwide audience, the filthy beast. God only knows what the Germans must have thought. Then again they'd probably have put a glass table under it, the filthy beasts. Like 99.9% of Britons, I didn't have the foggiest idea who Bradley Wiggins was until last week. Now I think he is without doubt the greatest man ever to come from these shores, so much so that I have decided to name my son after him. Which is easier said than done as he's been called Brian for the last 42 years. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I just watched Mo Farrah line up for his Olympic 10000m final and was shocked to see that he was wearing a gold chain! When I did PE at school I had to remove my jewellry due to Health and Safety. Once again it's one rule for the elite athletes and another for us at the grass roots! I agree with the above letter. If my old games teacher Mr Fentan had been in the crowd, he would have stepped out and insisted that Mo removed the chain. Then he would have given him a couple whacks across the buttocks with a plimsoll. And had he forgotten his kit, he would have been forced to run his medal-winning race in the biggest pair of shorts from the lost property box. That would have taken the shine off his victory somewhat. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Synchronised swimming would be a lot more interesting if the beaming contestants performed their sport naked. And got out of the pool. And performed sex acts on each other. International Olympic Committee please take note. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why is it that people complain every time it rains, then bang on about saving the rain forest? Surely they can't have it both ways? I used to love George Michaels Listen Without Prejudice. However, when I read that he had been arrested for cottaging in a public lav, I threw the ruddy thing straight in the bin. I recently bought a new car and paid an additional 200 quid for electric windows. Imagine my horror on delivery to discover the windows were in fact made of glass! No refund, no apology. No wonder they call it rip off Britain. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why is it that in a modern society it's socially acceptable to have a collection of vibrators with veins, bumps and nobbles all over them, but mention that you have an electric vibrating vagina at home and the conversation dies? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 In the porn film Patricia Diamond - Testing The Tools, we see a rather nice lady get triple penetrated by 3 or 4 gentlemen in what appears to be a fish factory. She puts in a good session, but I don't understand why she is actually visiting the fish factory in the first place and why there aren't any other visitors there. I like to see a bit of red hot action as much as the next man, but I also need a believable storyline so I can connect with the characters. Link to post Share on other sites
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