kokodoko 67 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 come on, i am suffering from withdrawals here... i need humour. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Ismit true that if you did a shit on the moon it would not deteriorate as it would here on earth and go all white and crispy? And if you visited your bum cigar years later it would still stink just as much? I recently bought a bag of crisps that was clea in pointing out that I should eat fruit as part of a balanced diet. When I bought a bag of apples, however, they had sloppily forgotten to advise me to eat crisps as well. Come on fruite growers, play your part in helping promote balance and end obesity. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 The drivers of FedEx and TNT in my area must have it hard. Every time I look outside my office window they are fast asleep in the car park. obviously shaggedmout by all the hard work. I read in The Sun about the curse of the "27 Club" for pop stars. Amy Winehpuse died at 27 just like Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Hendrix and many others. Does anyone know how old Jedward are? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 They say that when you drop a piece of toast it always lands butter side down. Well mine doesn't as I always have margarine. Let's see the PC loonies work that out. In his song Thriller, Michael Jackson sang "They will possess you, unless you change that number on your dial". Well, come the zombie apocalypse, I fail to see how my going ex-directory will protect me. Unless they're extremely well organized zombies and plan on ringing first to check if I'm in. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 In lesbian porn, why is it that one woman can seduce another by feigning she is being a good listener followed by a few minutes of hair touching and kissing before going for her tits and fanny. If a bloke were to do that he would be accused of taking advantage and would probably gt a call from the police. It's one rule for a normal bloke and another for a Hungarian Honey with pert titties, a shave thatch and long blond hair wearing a red or black matching bra and G-string set. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Kids. Confuse cuddly toys by acting like their best friend in the world for 8 years the suddenly deciding to give them to a charity shop. Hairdressers. Next time a dentist arrives for an appointment, make sure you keep him waiting for at least 35minutes. then just trim one side of his head and tell him he'll have to return two weeks later to finish the job. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Sean Connery. When playing an Egyptian in Highlander or an Irishman in The Untouchables, have a vague stab at the accent for about five minutes, then revert back to Scottish. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Actors. Increase your chances of appearing in a Richard Curtis film by being Hugh Grant or Colin Firth. Gentlemen. If your wife won't let you have the lights on during intimacy, simply don a pair of night vision goggles. You get to see everything and she won't know you are wearing them. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Daily Mail reporters. Run a story on your website about how appalling it is that a percy landlord installed hidden cameras to spy on unsuspecting teenage students. Then follow it with a show biz story about Miley Cyrus wearing a bikini, illustrated with lots of photos of her in the bikini, taken from a long way away without her knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Local council reducing the frequency of your rubbish collection? Simply start a rumor that you are going out with Pippa Middleton and tabloid journalist will empty your bins on a daily basis. TV watchers. If there is a person in a celebrity version of a tv show who you don't recognize at all, they are from Hollyoaks. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 The TiVo advert says that I can record 3 shows that are on at the same time. That's all well and good, but there haven't been 3 good things on at the same time since about 1995. Last night on Bid TV, Peter Simon described a watch as 'timeless' and 'as old as time'. The former would be a disadvantage, the latter, impossible. Good work Pete! Link to post Share on other sites
klingon 10 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Keep them coming dude. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Here's some more I wonder what people are going to do after the year 9999, because all forms have four boxes to put the date in, and the year 10,000 will have five digits. They will all have to be redesigned. I am aware that the problem is a long way off, but there is no point leaving things until the last minute. In the unlikely event that the girl band "The Saturdays" came round demanding a portion while my wife was out, I am not sure which order I would do them in. I think I'd probably just play it by ear. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I can never decide whether I like Ghengis Khan or not. On the one hand he butchered an estimated 40 million people from China to Hungary, but on the other he is credited with developing a system of reliable tax collection. I've only got one leg, and whenever I buy a pair of shoes I always have to throw one away. Why don't shops sell shoes individually for half price? People with two legs would then pay the same price for their shoes as they always do and one-legged people would be able to buy only the shoes they need. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 PS It would also benefit people with three legs who at the moment, I would imagine, are forced to buy two pairs of shoes and discard one. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 You wouldn't believe the poor customer service I received from WH Smith in my dream last night. I won't be shopping there again! Politicians should be made to wear a Magic Crystal of Truth around their necks all the time that would glow green when they tell the truth and red when they lie. I know they don't exist, but surely scientists could invent one. They can put a man on the moon for heavens sake. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 We're all in this together said the government trying to keep the nations spirits up in these straightened times. Well we certaintly weren't in the Royal Box at Wimbledon together with Chancellor George Osbourne and the Govenor of the Bank of England. On a work day. As a heterosexual man, there is nowhere I can go and have a chance of shagging Beyonce or Kylie Minogue. If I were a homosexual, I would have a chance of shagging George Michael if I turned up on Hampstead Heath late on. Where's the justice? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 My missus had an affair with a man who not only is bald and ginger, but also drives a 2CV. Can any readers beat that for a slap in the bollocks? Do any of your readers know what happens to the tennis balls that the young ladies of Wimbledon have been storing up their knickers for 3 hours? It looks to me like they just belt them off into the crowd which seems a criminal waste. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Supermarkets. Don't throw away your rotten, misshapen and undersized fruit. Re-label it as "Fair Trade" then double the price. Cats. Annoy your owner by being the reason they don't take their dream job in America, then scratch the new leather chair they bought themselves as a consolation. Zoo keepers. Provide added entertainment for your visitors by running around with a rifle and a panicked expression, asking people if they say "which way it went". Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Hey Top Tips fans. I let my subs expire so missed a few but got one today. Anyone interested in hearing some more Top Tips, before I waste my time typing them out? Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Oh yes please Mr Gonads. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Oh go on then, the pressure from overwhelming demand. I'll get on the case now. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 They say that man was created in God's image, but I'm 20 stone and have terrible piles. Surely any omnipotent deity worth his salt could have set a slightly better example. While channel flicking recently I came upon Songs of Praise and was greatly impressed to see the congregation performing an - albeit sanitized - version of "Who's the bastard in the black?". Well done the C of E. Reworking popular football chants as hymns will undoubtedly show that the church has got the common touch and it might even encourage more people to attend. Did you know that a group of roe deer is called a bevy? I mention this to avoid any misunderstandings should any of your readers be invited to go for a drink in Newcastle. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 So Jimmy Saville was buried at 45 degrees so that he could have a view of the sea. It seems to me the unless he was actually buried under the sea, his view going to be somewhat hampered by basic geometry. Surely it would have been better if he had been buried vertically with his head poking out above the ground. If you laid all the estate agents in the world end to end around the equator, many of them would drown, get run over or be eaten by lions. Makes you think. The man behind me in the queue at Sainsburys is refusing to put anything on the conveyor belt without a divider. I'm not sure what he's worried about. The worst case scenario is that I might pay for his shopping. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Vegetarians wear shoes made from plastic rather than leather. But everyone knows that plastic comes from petroleum which is made of dead dinosaurs over millions of years. This is surely less ethical because dinosaurs are extinct, whereas cows are plentiful. I think the shoe is well and truly on the other foot for these so-called animal lovers. If I could travel back in time I'd go back to Germany in the 1930's and tell Hitler to shave that little moustache off. He looked absolutely ridiculous with it. I have joined the Jewish RAC. They offer comprehensive roadside breakdown assistance 24/6. Link to post Share on other sites
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