Top Tips

[grungy-gonads 54]

Worried your kids are growing up too fast? A pebble in each sock will delay your toddler from walking.

 

Widowers. Miss your late wife? Buy a parrott and teach it to say "Have you cut the grass yet?", "Have you put the bins out?", etc

 

Bus companies. Speed up your journey times by not stopping every 100m.

 

Faking a heart attack is a great way to get a free lift to work. If you work at a hospital.

 

Policemen. Truncheons make ideal emergency rolling pins should you be involved in an impromptu pastry making competition.

[grungy-gonads 54]

In an interview with The Guardian, Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall claimed to have slept with more than 1000 women a year at the height of his fame. Is this something of which he should be proud or ashamed? Is the ruby-toothed ginger minstral a hunky stud or a filthy beast? We went on the streets to see what YOU thought....

 

A thousand women a year means Hucknall had sex with an average of three different women a day. Three a DAY! I can just about manage to get my leg over one bird a MONTH tops, and that's if I'm not being too choosy. I can only assume that Mr Hucknall has extremely low standards when it comes to choosing his sexual partners.

 

What I want to know is, when Mick Hucknall was laid up with diarrhoea or a winter vomiting bug for a week and wasn't out on the pull, did he then have to go out and fck six women a day when he was better, just to keep his averages up?

 

It's quite obvious that Mr Hucknall didn't suffer from piles while he was banging all them women. I've got septic haemmorrhoids at the moment, and I have barely been able to stand up or sit down for a fortnight. I'm only really comfortable in a half-crouch, leaning against a wall with my knees bent. The last thing I feel like doing is pushing my arse backwards and forwards for ten minutes, three times a day.

[grungy-gonads 54]

I am Emeritus Professor or Statistics at Oxford University. I have been analysing Mick Hucknall's claims and have come to some quite interesting conclusions. If we start from the quite reasonable position that Mr Hucknall was sexually active at his claimed rate of three different women a day between 1984 and 1993 - the period of the bands greatest success - then we reach a figure of 10,950 conquests (or 10,959 including leap years). Let us further assume that Mick had intercourse with women who were between 18 and 19 years old in 1984. We can get a rough estimate of the total number of women in this group by taking the current UK female population (say 30 million), and dividing the result by 85 (roughly apporximating that the female population is divided into equal portions throughout the median age-range). This gives us a working figure of 352,941 women who were born in 1966. Of this group, we must discount 10% who are lesbians and wouldn't go with a man, leaving us with 317,647 heterosexual women of a suitable age. Of this age, at least half can be further excluded from consideration due to being right pigs and boilers who Mr Hucknall wouldn't even touch with yours, which finally gives us a final subset containing 158,823 potential sexual partners for the Simply Red frontman to bed. Dividing this total by the original stated tally of 10,959 women, we are left with the inescapable conclusion that, if your wife is 45 years old now and was half decent looking when she was 18, there's a one-in-fifteen chance that she has been banged off Mick Hucknall.

[pie-eater 207]

 

Mick gives hope to ugly gingers throughout the world.

[big-will 7]

Some good analysis there

[rach 1]

3 a day for a prolonged period? That's just.... silly.

And, ewwwww.

Can't believe that.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Good news Top Tips fans.

New Viz has arrived today.

Updates coming soon.

[kokodoko 67]

thanks gg, hanging on the edge of my seat.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Gambarimasu.

[pie-eater 207]

Not enough! We need those tips now, helpful in everyday life they are!

[grungy-gonads 54]

I was dismayed the other week to discover that my credit card had been fraudulently used to pay for some flights. But I was somewhat relieved when the bank informed me that it was darts flights that has been purchased. However, my relief was short-lived when I realised that it was the members of 1970s pop group Darts who had all bought first class tickets to Australia.

 

How hard can it be for the Highways Agency to build a giant robot arm that picks up the car of anyone who cuts me up on the inside lane and throws them into the sky? I pay my taxes.

[grungy-gonads 54]

While masturbating over an episode of Emmerdale today, I realised that some of the actors on there were actually men, and that I might have a slight gay tendency. I think future episodes should only contain slim, nubile women soaping their breasts up with shower gel whilst blowing kisses to the camera and sucking lollipops. This would avoid causing any unncessary confusion to male viewers who may be uncertain as to their true sexual proclivities.

 

I wonder if your readers know the meaning of the phrase "at no extra cost"? I was under the impression that it meant at no extra cost, but when used by Virgin Broadband in the phrase "upgrade from 20MB to 30MB at no extra cost", it appears to mean an extra 1.53 per month.

 

[grungy-gonads 54]

In the TV show The Avengers, what is it that they are supposed to be avenging? And in The New Avengers, were they still trying to avenge the same thing as the original Avengers or was there some fresh grievence? You'd think that after 20 years they would have avenged whatever it was that they were avenging in the first place.

 

In answer to the question on the back of the supermarket delivery lorry that tore the wing off my friends 3 year old car before driving off without exchanging insurance details: You're driving is utter shit, thanks for asking.

[grungy-gonads 54]

If bees like jam so much, why do they make themselves honey to eat?

[grungy-gonads 54]

Farmers. Instead of injecting your animals with hormones, improve the taste of the meat by injecting them with sauces, ie. mint for lambs, gravy for cows, etc.

 

Women. Make men do whatever you want by immediately following all orders with "and I'll consider giving you a blow-job". They never figure out that you don't really mean it.

 

[grungy-gonads 54]

Men who are insecure about their sexuality. Cut bananas into little discs before eating them to prevent any unwanted thoughts.

 

Dentists. Save time telling patients to "open wide" by simply showing really scary movies on a tv glued to the ceiling.

 

I think Prince William should have got engaged to someone with bigger tits.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Muggers. Have you ever considered asking nicely? Good manners cost nothing and a little bit of politeness goes a long way.

 

Give your cock that "FAB" ice lolly look by dipping it in chocolate then rolling your bellend in sprinkles.

 

Parents. Save the hassle of writing your childs name on their school clothes by calling your son George and shopping at Asda.

[grungy-gonads 54]

BBC. Save money on expensive period sets by filming Ashes to Ashes at my mums house.

 

Prince Andrew. Ignore the insinuations. I think I speak for the nation when I say none of us thinks any less of you.

 

Appear 10 years younger by telling everyone you are actually 10 years older than you actually are.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Knackered, I think that's it for this time.

Have a good weekend.

[kokodoko 67]

thanks gg, i appreciate all the good advice.

 

any advice on snoring?

[pie-eater 207]

Top tips there gg, cheers mate.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Good news Top Tips fans, new Viz arrived today.

Will post soon.

[scouser 4]

Come on gg, hurry up!

[2pints-mate 0]

Gettting tired of waiting.

[pie-eater 207]

Fed up with it, I am.