grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Top news Top Tips fans. The new Viz has arrived so some more important lifestyle information coming soon! Link to post Share on other sites
NoFakie 45 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Not Viz, but here's a top tip anyway. Scroll down to the product reviews. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 I mentioned that about a week ago, I'm surprised it has survived. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Or perhaps not, with all those people being sent over to amazon to look....... Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Come on gg, we need these lifestyle tips to enrich our post-GW lives here. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Not Viz, but here's a top tip anyway. Scroll down to the product reviews. http://www.amazon.co...e/dp/B000KKNQBK That is freakin hillarious I larfed and larfed Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 These youngsters nowadays with their iPhones, Xbox360s and 3D Home cinema systems in their bedrooms don't know they're born. When I was their age, I had to make do with a Nintendo DS, a PSP and a 32" fltascreen telly that wasn't even HD! When Esther Ranzen was campaigning to become an MP at the last election, she promised to continue fighting for the people of Luton whatever the result of the vote. In the end, she lost her deposit but I'm sure she's been as good as her word and continued working tirelessly for the constituency she loves. Mind you, she must be doing it behind the scenes as I've not seen hide or hair of the toothy old cow in the last 2 years. I'm proud to say I've signed the petition against gay marriage. I'm very fond of my wife, and it's ridiculous that this goverment expects me to divorce her in order to marry some big muscly man with a bushy mustache. It's political correctness gone mad! .... Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Kids these days with their internet trolling, Twitter hashtags and jeggings don't know they're born. In my day we had to make do with LOLcats, flashmobbing and nudie jeans. How is it that when there is a film premiere, the people going to it are the stars who were in it, the director and the producers. You'd have thought they'd already seen it. My 92 year old husband was on his deathbed after a long illness, and I asked him whether, looking back over his long and eventful life, he had any regrets. "The only thing I regret is that I never won anything", he told me. I squeezed his hand. "Yes you did", I smiled, "you won my heart". "No", he said, "I meant something where you're presented with a cup or a cash prize, you stupid old bitch". And those were the very last words he ever spoke. ... Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Further to my earlier letter about being forced to undergo a so-called "marriage" to one of these gays. I would just like to point out that the thought of consumating such a union on my "honeymoon" fills me with revulsion and horror. Has the Prime Minister really thought this through? Where are these tramps getting a cup of tea for 10p? Even a small cuppa in Costa Coffee costs you thick end of two quid. Once again it seems it's one price for a cup of tea for tramps and another for the rest of us. These pet store owners have got a cheek, charging full price for old English sheepdogs when they're only puppies. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 I've been suffering terribly lately with septic piles, double incontinence, an anal fistula and three weeping boils on the shaft of my penis. I haven't been able to get them treated because I've got a lady doctor, and I don't want her to get all turned on when she's examining me. I'm not a piece of meat. Further to my previous letter about the prospect of consumating my forthcoming gay marriage., The thought of having to force myself between some naked man's buttocks - possibly four or five times or more on our "wedding night", before allowing him to do the same to me, is a prospect that I frankly do not relish. I'll do it, but only because I respect the laws of this country. I'm not happy about it, let me make that perfectly clear. We read a lot in the press these days about conditions in Japanese Prisoner of War camps, but I was in one between 1942 and 1946 and wasn't really that bad. I had three square meals a day, a comfortable bed to sleep in, and there was nothing that the guards wouldn't do for me. Having said that, I was camp commander. ... Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 I'm fed up hearing from zoos about how hard it is for them to feed their animals and why they need more money. In the first place, all zoo keepers get in without paying, so charging them would be a good place to start. As far as the animals are concerned, half of them are herbivores that eat grass that is free. The others are meat eaters so it makes sense to feed the herbivores to them, which would also attract more people to the zoo. Alternatively the meat eaters could be allowed to fight it out amongst themselves with perhaps the zoo taking bets on the winner. The zoo could even sell the television rights and link it to online gambling or perhaps live to a Las Vegas casino or something. That ought to solve their financial problems. Further to my previous letters regarding my forthcoming so-called "same-sex marriage" (which won't be a real marriage in my eyes, I can tell you), I was wondering if any readers could recommend a suitable lubricant for use during anal sex. I am looking for something that might perhaps heighten the sensations in order that I might at least experience some small modicum of pleasure during this whole sorry, sordid business. ... Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 I agree with Mrs Watt. It's about time the goverment brought in a coherent pricing policy for dogs. Pet shops charge hundreds of pounds for tiny puppies weighing less than a pound, yet you can get a fully grown 2-stone dog for a fiver from the RSPCA. It seems the more dog you get, the less you have to pay for it. Any butcher who operated that pricing policy on his sausages would soon go out of business. So I hear that the Queen has been sat on her throne for 60 years. I know how she feels. I have also had a curry from the Curry Capital (formerly the Rupali Restaurant), Bigg Market, Newcastle-upon-Tyne. All I can say to her majesty is: Keep calm, it will eventually pass. I'm a laboratory technician and I'm not allowed to smoke at work. Yet the beagles in my lad are actively encouraged to puff away on cigarettes all day. It's one rule for beagles and another for laboratory technicians. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Vicars. Never attempt to do any odd jobs around the house whilst naked under a loose-fitting dressing gown, as you will invariably slip, something will go up your bottom and they won't believe your explanation at A&E. Avoid paying VAT on your lunchtime pasty by buying a cold pasty on your way to work and slipping it between your buttocks. Leave it there all morning and by dinner time it will be as warm as toast. Delicious. Pork sausages make ideal vegetarian sausages for shy vegetarian guests who won't make a fuss. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Make people think you fell asleep at a house party by shaving off one eyebrow and drawing a cock on your face. Producers of The History Channel. "Ancient Astronaut Theorist" is not a real scientific qualification. Somebody is pulling your leg. Western foreign ministers. Give a foreign government that you don't like that extra air of evil by referring to it as a "regime". Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 I saw in the newspaper today an advertisement for double glazing, which offered two replacement windows for the price of one. And that made me think. For Jesus is rather like that double glazing, isn't he? He lets light into our lives, and He keeps us warm when it is cold outside. But Jesus's offer is even better, for He doesn't just give us two windows for the price of one, He gives us three. And they're not windows; they're loves. The love of the Father, The Sun and the Holy Ghost. The advertisement said that if I bought my replacement windows now, I'd pay nothing until May 2013. Once again, Jesus beats that promise hands down. For when you accept His offer of unconditional love, you won't have anything to pay - not only til the end of May 2013 - but not ever! It's all free. Those windows were guaranteed for 10 years. But God's love lasts till the end of time. So what's the catch with the double glazing offer? Examine the small print at the bottom of the advertisement and you'll see that labour isn't included. And what's the catch with Jesus's offer? Examine the small print in your Bible and you'll see that there isn't one. Except that God watches everything you do, 24 hours a day, and if you even think about doing something that displeases him he'll throw you into a lake of burning excrement for all eternity. Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Fine work, gg. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 Brilliant Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I do my best. And will continue to give 110%! Link to post Share on other sites
TheOrange 0 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 The Letters are always better than the actual Tips. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Fab news Top Tips fans! New Viz has arrived. As is custom, give me a bit of time. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 What on earth is the point of giving air passengers life jackets that are designed to float in water? If you have to bail out of a plane, you'd be better off with a life jacked filled with helium so you can float about safely up in the air until someone comes to rescure you. They say New York is the city that never sleeps, but I rang a random New York number at 4am their time and the bloke was fck!ing furious that I woke him. I played hide and seek with my friend 30 years ago and he still hasn't found me. On a recent visit to Volvo's safety inspection department at their factory, I was shocked to see cars getting smashed up in "crash tests". If they drive this badly in the factory then I would hate to see one of them on the road. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 They say an elephant never forgets, but I watched one at the zoo the other day and he walked in his own shit and then did exactly the same thing again a couple of minutes later. "Many hands make light work", or so they say. Well, I'm a head chef that specialises in making broths, and I employed loads of other cooks to help out in the kitchen the other day and they made a right fKiching mess of it. Once again the so-called experts get it wrong. These so called health experts tell us that swimming exercises every muscle in your body. Well, when I tried exercising my shpincter muscle in my local pool I was chucked out! Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Why do gameshow hosts always say "You have been great contestants" when they lose? I ordered a quarter pounder meal in McDonalds last week. Imagine my surprise when the young man behind the counter charged me 2.99 instead of the 25p it was advertised at! City centre steet mime artists are fdlcking hypocrites. They stand there all day miming about getting trapped in an invisible box and walking errant invisible dogs. But as soon as I walk up to them and mime pretending to get out a bulging wallet and placing a pretend 20 quid note in their box, I'm the most unfunny person in the world. I tell you, it's one law for mute, over-exaggerating street artistes and one for the rest of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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