grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 According to Channel 4 tv show Dissecting Nature's Giants, male kangeroos have 2 cocks and femal kangeroos have 3 fannies - up their arseholes! This must mean that every time kangeroos mate, they are forced into kinky "double anal" and "double vaginal" sex sessions. Well what's going on there? Bono (Pop arsehole). King Kong was 20 times taller than the average man, which makes him about 40 times taller than me. If I were a King Kong for a day, I'd use my new size to do 40 times as much good for humanity as I normally do. Then I'd phone my accountant and see if it entitled me to pay 40 times less tax. Actually, I'd probably do that first. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Actually all the Top Tips this time are a bit rubbish, and I need to get some work done... so that's it for this time! Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 A couple of good ones there GG, particularly the Mime one. Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 The Bono ones are always funny. Link to post Share on other sites
KlingKlang 1 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 They usually do Sting as well, none for him? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 No Sting ones this time. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Good news Top Tips fans. The new Viz has arrived! Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Surely "fun size" Twix should be bigger than normal Twix? Based on this logic the less you eat the more fun it is. Come on Twix get your 'finger' out. Why doesn't Usain Bolt run marathons? If he can do 100m in 9.58 seconds he could do the whole thing in little over an hour, which is about half the fastest ever marathon time. He's missing out on another potential world record there. Say what you want about the Queen but watching this years state opening of parliament you've really got to give her credit. I mean, how many heads of state could sit on a gold-plated throne, in a 1 million quid hat and give a speech about austerity whilst keeping a straight face? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Why all the mystery surrounding the sinking of the Titanic? I saw the film and Yosser Hughes was driving the boat. An umemployable itinerant scouser behind the wheel was a bad call whichever way you look at it. I was at the checkout in Morrisons recently and the girl asked me if I wanted any help with my packing. I thought this was very generous as I was moving house the following week, so I accepted and gave her my address. I was very disappointed when shie did not turn up, so I complained to the Manager. He told me to fck off and get a life. That Ken Morrison might be a millionaire but he's all talk. As I could hear my wife beginning her usual long weekly phone call to her mum, I decided to relax in a gentlemanly way on the computer upstairs. It then occurred to me that the filth I was viewing was simultaneously travelling down the same pair of copper wires as their conversation about curtain material. Isn't technology amazing! Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I'm looking for a new doormat. There are loads that say Welcome and Come in and have a cup of tea. I'm after on that says Sod Off but can't find one. Not even in Wilkinsons. Any ideas? How cruelly ironic that ex-Corrie actress Julie Goodyear should be so named. I saw her recently and her face was so lined that she reminded me of a tire. How come when people claim to see ghosts they always see a grey lady or a headless coachman? It's never a clown or a trumpet player. Ghosts are so predictable. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Donald Trump will never be taken seriously in the UK so long as he's named after a fart. And I'm afraid Vince Cable is sailing close to the wind too. Working for the Samaritans I hear tales of despair and anguish on a daily basis, and it can be quite depressing. But sometimes I get a housewife who calls to discuss her husbands strange, saucy bedroom requests, so it evens itself out in the end. I'm not a military strategist but no wonder there was so much carnage during WW1. How come everyone fought at the front? Surely sneaking round the back now and again would have created an element of surprise? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I will never understand my wife for as long as I live. She's deaf and I refuse to learn sign language. I watched in disbelief as the Queen was driven to Westminster Abbey for her Jubilee day celebration. She had no number plate on her car and no tax disc either. What kind of example is that to set to her subjects? I too saw Her Maj breaking the law by not displaying a vehicle licence plate or road tax. But she was in full view of hundreds of police and not a single one pulled her over. It is the Met who should be shamed-faced. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Why doesn't the WWF produce animal bongo mags for endangered species? Sure, we'd have to cut down some virgin rain forest to make the glossy paper, but what Panda wouldn't get "in the mood" after his habitat becomes littered with Panda jazz mags? I think next time David Cameron goes to Washington to meet President Obama he should forget all this Nato shit, world recession issues and Iran. They should just decide whether it's pronounced "tomato" or "tomayto". This has dragged on long enough. ------ Fool unattractive girls at nightclubs into thinking it's closing time by engaging them in conversation. Ladies. Prevent sexist workmen from shouting "get yet tits out" in the street, by having them permentantly on display. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Shoplifters. Walk backwards into shops so that if you get caught by shop security, when the CCTV footage is rewound you can prove you had already left the shop before the crime was comitted. Ladies. Sick of men wanking into their web cams when you're looking for a date? Start doing it back to the dirty buggers and give them a taste of their own medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Thanks GG - i always look forward to these. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Not the best bunch this time sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I like the one about the samaritans and also the one about curtains, filth and technology Link to post Share on other sites
cheeseman 1 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Don't leave cheese out for a few days in this heat. Beginners mistake! Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 How is the rest of the Viz these days gg? Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 pretty shit really Fat Slages, Roger Mellie are quite funny but most of it is rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 And the Pathetic Sharks. I posted this in the sharks thread but will here too Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Hi Top Tips fans. New Viz is with me. Still playing catch-up after a time out this month so will get some up asap. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 I understand that the FIA is looking for ways of slowing down Formula 1 racing cars in order to improve safety. It strikes me that the best way would be for the drivers to leave their cars in the car park and walk around the track. How come prisoners always had to be hung or shot at dawn in the olden days? Would it have hurt to give them a bit of a lie in? Can a zoologist please settle an argument for me? I maintain that anteaters who eat fire ants are doing the equivelant of us going out for a really hot curry, whilst my mate Growler claims that all ants taste the same, and none of them are any spicier than any others. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts