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Alphabet spaghetti not geeky enough? Simply mix regular tinned spaghetti and hoops together for exciting Binary Spaghetti.

 

Cats. If you like fish so much, why not get a grip and learn to swim. You lazy tawts.

 

Trick yourself into thinking you're getting wanked off by Jodie Marsh by painting the back of your hand orange.

 

Trick yourself into thinking you're being wanked off by a robot by using a pair of plyers.

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I recently watched Nigella Lawson cooking a turkey and she managed to slip the following into the dialogue; Slippery, rub all over, moist, plumptious beauties, lubricate, wet, insert and penetrate. I

I have wondered for a long time whether dogs and cats ever wonder why their two-legged owners don't fall over.     /end

Letterbox

 

Why is it that all products you see advertised on daytime TV are all designed by NASA? You'd think that the boffins across the pond would be more interested in sending rockets to other worlds to find out there's nothing on them.

 

The 2 quid toll across the Dartford Bridge is waived after 6pm. So last night I drove down from Birmingham and crossed the bridge 12 times. This saved me a whopping 24 quid, minus the fuel cost for the 212 mile round trip.

 

Wayne Rooney? Capello would have been better off picking Mickey Rooney.

 

How is it that the people in the Churchill Insurance adverts are totally au fait with a talking dog, yet when this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become cynical.

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I see that last weeks edition of Nuts magazine was entitled "The Sex Issue". I must say, it's nice to see them finally tackle this subject.

 

David James? Capello would have been better off picking Wendy James out of Transvision Vamp.

 

I reasd that a European Space Agency probe was used to look back billions of years following the cosmic formation. Iwas just wondering, if any of your readers work at ESA, could they look at their results to see if they can see where I put my glasses last Thursday?

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According to Wikipedia, dogs can discriminate odours at concentrations nearly 100 million times lower than humans can. But if this is true, how come I retch when picking up my dogs turds in a scented bag at arms length, and yet he can stick his nose in a big pile of steaming shit and not bat an eyelid. Load of old nonsense if you ask me.

 

lol

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Peter Crouch? Capello would have been better of picking the River Crouch in Essex.

 

On one round of Countdown today, the letters came out as RHTCAKPIR. It was obvious that, had there been another couple of dozen of the correct letters and it was a 31 letter game instead of 9, the contestants could easily have made "RACHEL RILEY TAKES IT UP THE SHITPIPE". Come on C4, this is completely vulgar and way before the watershed.

 

Apart from secretly purchasing surprise gifts for the wife, have any of your readers found other uses for the "private browsing" option on their computer?

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Today whilst browsing the internet I saw an advert encouraging me to "Meet Singles in Wakefield". Have any other readers had an advert offer them a more horrifying proposition?

 

Today I discovered that if you put the word "banana" in a string of hahas, no one notices the difference. For two days I have been texting hahahahahahahahahabananahahaha to people and no-one has noticed.

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Top tips to some guy at the bar who messed with my friend:

 

If your personality resembles that of an asshole, don't expect to wear $300 shades and not get them broken. You pick a fight and don't take off your sunglasses they WILL be broken. Congrats.

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Originally Posted By: thursday
bar brawls? cool are they?


Nope but I found it hilarious that someone picked a fight with my friend while wearing such expensive sunglasses and didn't know how ridiculous of a fighter he was.
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