Tubby Beaver 209 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 ok here are a few more...... MJ is not dead, he was apparently on his yacht when a storm hit, he's been found at sea bobbing on a boy (buoy) MJ died from a heart attck when somone told him that Boys To Men are a band and NOT a home delivery service Official News Release from MJ's LA Hospital: He died when he tripped over a pram, The doctors are not blaming it on the sunshine, They are not blaming it on the moonlight But they are blaming it on the buggy. Link to post Share on other sites
Hokkaidough 4 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Oh dear. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Forgot the requests! :eek: Hmmmm. British Airways. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 first let me tell you anout yesterdays hangover... Well on Wednesday night I had a few drinks with a few friends here in Hakuba. The next morning I was in a terrible state. I couldn’t remember how I got home and knew that I would be in big trouble with my wife. I woke up and next to bed the bedside tables were some aspirins and a glass of cold water as well as a vase with a single red rose. I couldn’t understand what was going on but I looked in the bathroom mirror and my face looked horrible. On the mirror there was a note stuck to the corner in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from my wife in lipstick. The note read: “Darling, breakfast is in the oven, I have gone to the Jusco supermarket early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!†Well I stumbled down the stairs and sure enough in the kitchen there a hot breakfast and steaming hot coffee waiting for me. My son, Stemik Jr. is there so I ask him what’s going on? “Well Dad, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. Confused, I asked Stemik Jr. “So why is the special treatment from your Mum? The aspirins, the loving note, the special dinner, breakfast on the table waiting for me?†My son replies, “Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off to get you into bed, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’†Link to post Share on other sites
scouser 4 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Haha, is that a true story? Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 OK its Friday so a double dose I once took a BA flight to J-burg..stuck in cattle class near the back of a Jumbo jet It was mealtime during the trip "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked me "What are my choices?" "Yes or no," Link to post Share on other sites
scouser 4 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 ....with a smile on her face, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Sounds like she's priming for an expensive present, stemik. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 for first for second for SG Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." Link to post Share on other sites
best skier in hakuba 5 Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 No requests? Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Aso PM Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 ah, I thought that was the joke Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 How about: Can you get pregnant from being in a public swimming pool? And is it safe for little girls in an onsen too? Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 My first Friday post (inspired by Stemik & others) HOW THE FIGHT STARTED...... One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.... __________________________________________ I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started... __________________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started... ________________________________________ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started..... __________________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started...... __________________________________________ My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... __________________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale... And then the fight started... __________________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her , 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ____________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... __________________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Apologies for the naff formatting, I did didn'nt realise until it loaded. Will do better next time Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 much appreciated. Lots of fights too. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 It's still late Friday here so here's another. W*R*O*N*G FUNNIES I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" ~ I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? ~ A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." ~ I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. ~ When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. ~ My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. ~ A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" ~ I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." ~ Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. ~ I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? ~ I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 It is Friday One day my wife was cleaning Stemiks Juniors room and in the wardrobe she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until I got home and showed it to me. I looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked me, "What should we do about this?" I looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." Link to post Share on other sites
brit-gob 9 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Friday indeed asnd it's time to get out there and cool down with some BEER Link to post Share on other sites
Go Native 70 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 No need to cool down up here in Hokkaido, it's cool enough. Still intend to have a beer though! Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Children's Science Exam If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers... Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink? A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. --------------------------------------------------------- Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. ------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. ----------------------------------------------------- Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. ------------------------------------------------------ Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. --------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental ------------------------------------------------------- Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!) ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A: Premature death. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. the abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. -------------------------------------------------- Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. ------------------------------------------------ Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome. ---------------------------------------------- Q: What does the word 'benign' mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight Have a good weekend Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I hope that these are all your original jokes, snowjunky? Link to post Share on other sites
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