hellyer 216 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Do I look like a plageuriser I don't even know how to spell it Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 I've lost track of what day it is! Link to post Share on other sites
Error404 0 Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Request: Summer Holidays (or alternatively, Cliff Richard) Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 How cool would it be to tour Europe in a double decker. Cooler than a Camper I'd guess. Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Would be acest if Cliff was the driver. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 It's Friday and it's Cliff....this is a story of when Cliff came to Japan. Cliff Richard is performing in Japan on the last leg of a successful world tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them. 'Tits and fanny!' scream the audience. 'I can't sing that' says Cliff. I'm a devout Christian. 'Tits and fanny!' scream the crowd. 'Oh, come on' says Cliff. 'Tits and fanny!' scream the crowd. ' Okay, okay' says Cliff 'But I don't know how it goes' 'Tits and fanny' …sing the crowd in unison..'… how we don't talk anymore.' Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 good ol Cliff Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Cliff. Legend. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told Only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's George Bush's clock?' asked the man. * St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.' * Please substitute your own politician Link to post Share on other sites
cal 6 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Requested theme: Obon Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 the Friday joke has been cancelled due to Obon Link to post Share on other sites
JellyBelly 1 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Obon is rubbish, all my Japanese friends scramble. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 My 1 day employment So after landing my new job as a Bunnings Hardware greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Link to post Share on other sites
r45 4 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 haha. oh well already Saturday. They seem to come across with alarming regularity. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hey Presto! it's Friday again. --------------------------------------------------- A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS" Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks for trying NEXT!! Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 It's late late friday night, it's raining in the ashes series cricket on tv so I've jumped back on the forum to impart some technical advice:- INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 5.0, NRL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 6.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 3.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate. DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 7.0 and Hot Lingerie 9.7. Good Luck Babe! Techsupport Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Lordy be snowjunky - I think you be spying on my house ^ Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Originally Posted By: Mamabear Lordy be snowjunky - I think you be spying on my house ^ No I'm not Careful, don't trip over that skateboard at the bottom of your steps Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 ^ The google earth resolution is a bit poor snowjunky - it is not a skateboard it is a ripstick Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 touche Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 what is a ripstick? similar to a dipstick? Link to post Share on other sites
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