The Friday thread!

[Chriselle 158]

I can hear Rodney Dangerfield echoing in my head while reading those..

[hellyer 216]

The stalker one was sweet I thought

[Alexander L 80]

encore

[hellyer 216]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

 

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

 

"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

 

 

I love these touching stories!

[Alexander L 80]

[kokodoko 67]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

 

I liked that one..

[Alexander L 80]

Man goes into a florist and says 'could you help me, I would like to buy a big bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.'

 

The florist looks at him and says 'Certainly sir, what is it you're after?'

 

Man replies 'a shag'

[Alexander L 80]

George was teeing off from the men’s tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

 

A few days later, George got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: “George, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.

You said, you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?”

George: “Yes, sir, that’s correct.”

Coroner: “Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her butt.”

George: “Was it a Titleist 3?”

Coroner: “Yes, it was.”

George: “That was my mulligan.”

[Alexander L 80]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

 

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

 

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

 

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

 

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

 

"Dublin," comes the reply.

 

"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"

 

The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

 

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

 

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Alexander L 80]

A guy goes into the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

 

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

 

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. You are hired. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M".

 

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

 

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Tubby Beaver 209]

ah....right wing humour.....

[Alexander L 80]

hardly humour.

[kokodoko 67]

isn't right wing humour an oxymoron?

[Tubby Beaver 209]

right-wing morons....yeah

[kokodoko 67]

that is not an oxymoron.

[stemik 14]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

 

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

 

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

 

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

 

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

 

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

 

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[Alexander L 80]

During my Colonscopy the doc told me it was normal to get an erection during the procedure. I told him I didn't have one. He said, "I know - I do!"

[Alexander L 80]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[2pints-mate 0]

An elderly gent goes to see his Doctor, but, because he is a bit frail, forgetful & going deaf, he asks his wife to go with him to make sure that he understands what he is told.

The Doctor has a bit of an examine, then said, "I am afraid I don't quite know what the problem is, I am going to conduct some more tests, & I will need some intimate samples. I will need samples of your semen, urine, stool, sweat & blood"

The elderly gent looked at his wife in total bemusement & said "what did he say?"

She replied "he wants your pants"

 

[gifugill 0]