The Friday thread!

[griller 9]

I know what slapstick is.

And Prit stick.

[Tubby Beaver 209]

crooked stick and a match stick are all known as well

[thursday 1]

non stick frying pan or a non pan frying stick

 

and what the hell is a disco stick.

[thursday 1]

Friday thread popping up on Monday is a sure sign of global warming.

[grungy-gonads 54]

come on jokers!

[thursday 1]

you're already here

[hellyer 216]

 

Enjoy

 

[video:youtube]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/t-jds8niLqE/default.jpg

 

[hellyer 216]

oops my first (failed) attempt at uploading an mp3 audio

 

Assistance wouls be appreciated

[yoroshiku onegai shimasu 2]

What colour is the sky over Japan?

 

Click to reveal..

Brew

[hellyer 216]

I just found out the file I uploaded to Youtube was nit valid so I will try again later

[SnowJapan 178]

snowjunky the tags you have in the above post are youtube ones, but it's an image .jpg file you have embedded, not a youtube video.....

[hellyer 216]

 

My daughter who works in admin for Queensland Health sent me the following:-

 

ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS (These Doctors were clearly not English majors.)

 

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

3. On the second day the knee was better, on the third day it disappeared.

 

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

 

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old man, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

8. The patient refused autopsy.

 

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

13. She is numb from her toes down.

 

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

 

15. The skin was moist and dry.

 

16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

 

25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

 

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

 

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[hellyer 216]

It's still friday (late, late) here in oz, I've been out on the hoy, had a wee drinky or three but just have time for to dig into my vault & revive some Friday funnies - here they come bnefore i nod ofzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Exercise for mature adults

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty

of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend

your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long

as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,

you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

 

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to

where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your

arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of

the sacks

---------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Silicone more valuable than gold and platinum

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she

would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the

class and said,

 

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what

would it be?"

 

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,

because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

 

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,

"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold

and I could buy a Porsche"

 

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam

stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

 

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

 

"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the

sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

=-----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Subject: The Parrot

>> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

> "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang

on to your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since

you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak english can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse

with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of

humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted

him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her

nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

 

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

 

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

 

He says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Here's onr for you Mama Bear

 

JOB DESCRIPTION- MUM

 

POSITION :

Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Momma, Ma, etc

 

 

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

 

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects . Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality y of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

 

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

 

 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo...

 

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive er@ction. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

 

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, nonstop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.... When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

 

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

 

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called.... he hasn't written....."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own

handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

 

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of

coded message:

 

37OH-SSV-O773H.

 

Bush was baffled, so he emailed Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides

had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

 

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA and NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

 

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with the reply:

 

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Some great American Signs

 

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

 

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

 

On another Septic Tank Truck:

"We're No.1 in the No.2 business"

**************************

 

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

 

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

**************************

 

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************

 

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

 

 

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blow-out. "

**************************

 

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

 

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

**************************

 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

 

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action."

**************************

 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push."

**************************

 

At an Optometrist's Office :

 

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

 

you've come to the right place."

**************************

 

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

 

Outside a Muffler (silencer) Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

 

 

In a Restaurant window :

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait. "

**************************

 

 

At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

 

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak "

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

WHOAAH, Snowjunky starting to fade here but saved the best till last:-

 

 

 

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

 

 

 

Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

 

 

 

Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a MOS' terrible day. Terrible!

 

 

 

At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

 

 

 

"And Zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

 

 

 

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and Zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

 

 

 

'And did you jump?" asks his mate.

 

 

 

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'"

 

 

 

"And Zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

 

 

 

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."

 

 

 

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

 

 

 

!I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

 

 

 

"What 'appened Zen?" asks his mate.

 

 

 

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your b urm.'"

 

 

 

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

 

 

 

"A Leetle, ....at ze beginning."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

good night & god bless

[HelperElfMissy 42]

LOL @ The Mother Job Snowjunky!

 

So true... this morning in just over an hour I have:

 

*searched the house for the missing teenager who slipped past me somehow to get his lift to work.

*welcomed workemen in to continue thier madness in my bathroom

*woken 3 grumpy children and cajoled them into getting up and ready for school

*made a cooked breakfast

*organised lunches

*tied a school tie

*hugged a sobbing child who told me "no one listens to me, my life sucks balls, I am sick and it is not psychosomatic, just because I went to my best friends birthday party last night doesnt mean I am well enough to go to school...I hate you!"

*I also fixed the stuck zipper on his school bag

 

Now I shall have coffee

[hellyer 216]

Coffee with a redbull chaser woukd be in order

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Actually...seeing how the rest of the day panned out I should've chucked the coffee and had the redbull with a J-bomb in it, rinse and repeat! Over and Over. Day would have seemed much less tragic.

[sanjo 2]

How bad does a day need to get, and what time, before it gets written off? I had one last week that was written off at 10am. I might as well have just gone home and done something useful and fun, as it was I ended up messing around being unproductive and doing sod all. What a waste of a day.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

^^^^New Thread TIME!^^^^^

[2pints-mate 0]

Too late for a request?

 

Japanese erections elections.

[stemik 14]

i think thats my japanese girlfriends favorite day.......Election day

[joshnii 2]

And the wife?

[hellyer 216]

Originally Posted By: stemik

i think thats my japanese girlfriends favorite day.......Election day

Could be a tad frustrating for the girlfriend if in Australia.
Only happens once every 3 to 4 years.

[hellyer 216]

Friday Funnie

 

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?

UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every

Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

 

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You're a British politician, right?

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are

perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs

 

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

 

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[stemik 14]

Originally Posted By: joshnii

And the wife?

steady now....hope she doesnt read this

[joshnii 2]

OK I promise not to tell her if you provide me with a few tickets.

Cheers!