thursday 1 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 very coondiscending stuff that. I suppose it'll be the same for any nationality. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Talking of nationality:- Instruction for reading: Read in an Italian accent I am a Italiano. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. In a morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one p!ss. I tella her I want two p!ss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two p!ss onna my plate. She say you better no p!ss onna plate, you sonna ma b!tch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma b!tch! Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma b!tch. So, I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no sh!ts onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna sh!t. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sh!t on my bed. He say you better not sh!t onna bed, you sonna ma b!tch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say p!ss on you too, you sonna ma b!tch, I gonna back to Italy! Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!! Link to post Share on other sites
scouser 4 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Busy here but anyone got any good jokes? Stem you got any? Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 there are these 3 guys enjoying the summer trekking season in Hakuba. They are hiking up to Mt Shirouma in Hakuba. One the Happo ridge they come up on this old guy who is a regualar there and he says to them if you go to the top of Shirouma mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air , you say what ever you want or want to be it will instantly come true. So they go to the top of Shirouma and the 1st guy says , well i will try it so he jumps off and yells EAGLE!!! and poof he becomes an eagle, so the 2nd guy says if it worked for him it will work for me so he jumps off and in the air yells BEAR!!! and poof he becomes a bear and runs down, so the 3rd Guy says if it worked for them it will work for me , so he starts running and right before he jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells SHIT!!! and poof , he hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it. Link to post Share on other sites
gerard 6 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Ha. That's probably what I'd say too. Link to post Share on other sites
gareth_oau 2 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 an Aussie sketch comedy show called Chasers: having a go at English/American Translations http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IX6K77zHwg&feature=PlayList&p=83C87EC12ACC8250 Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 LOL! So true. I had to do all the talking in the USA - the locals could understand Papa more if he was Mick Dundee!! Talk about hysterical. Didn't help that Papa insisted on asking for tomato sauce instead of toe-mate-oh Ketchup, or trying to buy "fairy floss" instead of cotton candy! Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Originally Posted By: gareth_oau an Aussie sketch comedy show called Chasers: having a go at English/American Translations http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IX6K77zHwg&feature=PlayList&p=83C87EC12ACC8250 excellent - those Chaser guys are funny Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Hey it's Friday Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 who's been slacking? Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Click to reveal.. stemik Link to post Share on other sites
foreversnow 5 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Yay it is Friday - Big 17th Wedding Anniversary for Me & Mr Snowhunter tomorrow. Even better I have 2 days off YAHOO!!! Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 what you doing to celebrate? Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 still celebrating huh. Link to post Share on other sites
foreversnow 5 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Well I got the BIGGEST Bunch of flowers I have ever seen!! Then after much dileberation of going away and nosh it up in a fancy restaurant we opted for ---- Fish and Chips on the Beach with Champagne and our dog. It was very funny sitting at the table Mr Snowhunter - The Dog and then me. It was perfect we don't get much down time so 2 hours just me and him relaxing was AWESOME!! Yes the dog got his own fish n chips and chip butty sandwich Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx 4 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Now THATZ nice ! Class Went shopping for cloths cos we haven't done that lately. We bought : 5 T-shirts 1 hooded shirt 2 pairs of denims I Burton gloves 2 underwear Came to 430 Euros - AUD 700 WTF! that's Germany and lots of people shopping out there. Retail therapy doesn't work for me Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Snowhuntress - that sounds perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mothers, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I知 still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Pick up lines. Such quality. Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away!!! My two favorite letters of the alpabet E Z. Hey, I lost my underwear, can I see yours? Hey baby, have you fallen from heaven, because that would explain your face.. Can i buy you a drink? cause you look like an alcoholic. Do you believe in helping the homeless? [if yes] Take me home with you. I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated. Are you wearing a cow suit, or do you always look like a heffer? Damn girrl did you get some lipo, your'e looking P H A T! Are you a frito cause your really corny How much do you weigh cause your lookin PHAT* Hey, why go for the best when you can go for the rest? Mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted? Damn girl, you must have all the flies around you because you're the shit! Can I take you out to eat .....unless you wante me to eat you out Are you a swimmer cause you have no eyebrows I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. Ur not the prettiest one in here but beauty is only a paper bag away. **** me now or you will die......die bitch die Blow me you fat ugly hoe Oh NO! I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth Quick! I wish you were a pig (she asks why?) cause then youd have six....nipples(wait for slap) Nice hair lets **** all night long I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. You're ugly but you intrigue me. Theres a party in my pants and your invited. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if it weren't for women, my thing would rust." Your so nasty you make me want to go in and eat cottage cheese/p> Are you a swimmer cause you have no eyebrows Hey, why go for the best when you can go for the rest? Do you like trash, cause I'd love to dump on your chest Link to post Share on other sites
gareth_oau 2 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 you approach a lady in a bar, dip your finger in your drink and brush it against her top, then say "oh I am so sorry about that, let me take you home and get you out of those wet clothes!!" Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 ok, got a few hours to go still. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Why did the chicken cross the road? Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 'cos it was Saturday, and the Friday joke was missed. Link to post Share on other sites
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