Top Tips

[pie-eater 207]

[pie-eater 207]

[brit-gob 9]

Funny stuff.

 

Do they still do the Crap Jokes.

These are the ones that have been round for ages.

Always give you a laugh, but any new ones in new issues?

[thursday 1]

that was really crap.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Actually no not many brit-gob come to think of it.

[thursday 1]

"If the Soclialist Worker is a revolutionary, anti-capitalist paper, how come I have to pay 80p for it?"

 

This is good. Must be from a student with a mohawk and 7 day unwashed underpants.

[brit-gob 9]

Or perhaps they just made the joke up.

 

 

Good work gg/

[scouser 4]

Wonder how much of the letterbox and top tips is actually stuff sent in...

 

Funny.

[thursday 1]

I like my top tips. I agave another 5 star rating.

[big-will 7]

The Letterbox are funnier than the top tips I find.

[gnu 0]

me to

[grungy-gonads 54]

Good news Top Tips fans.

The new Viz has arrived.

 

When I get round to it, I will post some new chuckles.

[Schneebored 0]

Mr Gonads. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

[thursday 1]

now get on with it.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Shoppers. Use a 1 Euro coin in the tolley chain instead of a pound coin, saving yourself 11pm at todays exchange rates. If the pound is suddenly devalued, simply do your shopping in Europe and use a pound coin.

 

Axl Rose. If turning up at a venue within 4 hours of a pre-arranged time is too demanding for you, then why not consider a career with a more generous appointment window, such as a Parcel Force delivery driver or Virgin Media broadband installer.

 

Stop blokes walking round with pitbulls and Staffordshires by simply changing the breed names to things like ladypuff marmalade terriers.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Save time counting to 10 by starting at number 4. If you are in a real hurry, try starting at 5.

 

Chilean miners. Take a large range of pornography and crossword puzzles to work with you. Just in case.

 

Jeremy Kyle show participants. "Irregardless" is now a word. The word you are looking for is either irrespective or regardless.

 

James Dyson. Increase sales of your inventions by grossly exaggerating how difficult it is to complete simple tasks using existing technology.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Food label designers. Instead of writing "Best before end: See top of lid", why not simply replace this message with the best before end date?

 

Gentlemen. An erect penis makes an ideal emergency perch for an escaped budgie, I would imagine.

 

Radio enthusiasts. Don't bother listening to commercial radio stations. Simply imvite your most witless, tedious neighbour round to put records on and then talk over them.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Glue some blackcurrants to your anus and go to the doctor complaining of heemoeehoids. When he gives you some ointment on prescription, it can be saved as an "insurance policy" should you ever develop the condition for real.

 

Avoid an entirely preventable court appearance by refraining from using the expression "unrelenting shower of incometent kunts" in correspondence with BT, Sky, O2, Vodafone, Virgin Media, Virgin Trains, Scottish and Southern Energy and Microsoft.

 

Snooker players. Wear clown shoes to help get those hard-to-reach shorts where you have to stretch over the table while keeping your feet on the floor.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Referees. Keep a lie detector on the pitchside. Players know if they were offside or not, and it could be tricky to sort out those decisions.

 

Pet owners. Don't bother getting your cat neutered. Simply buy one of those rubber thimbles that bank clerks use for counting money and slip it on your moggys lipstick. Hey presto! A catty condom. It's even ribbed for extra pleasure.

 

Avoid the embarrassment of going for an STD check up by having unprotected sex with your g/f, then sending her instead.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Restraunt owners. Draw attention away from your cuisine being bland, tasteless and overpriced by serving it on an oversized, wavy oblong plate.

 

Vacuum cleaner nozzles make great intergalactic 'wormholes' for spiders and woodlice.

 

Pretend you are at a rally for enthusiastics of normal, everyday cars by driving to a supermarket car park and sitting beside your vehicle in a folding chair, talking about it to everyone who passes.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Blokes. Show how much of a feminist you are by tutting while turning the pages of Nuts magazine and looking at the ladies in their bras.

 

Vicars. Give the sermons a more contemporary and edgy flavour by occasional, judicious use of the word 'kunt'.

 

Can't get Radio 1 at work? Simply load 12 shit songs onto your ipod and listen on repeat and shuffle all day.

 

Taxi drivers. Hold out for a decent tip by fumbling about in a bumbag for 10 minutes until the punter tell you to leave it.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Parents. Help raise the ransom money for your kidnapped child quickly by renting out their room for the kidnap period.

 

Spoil burglars fun by shitting in every room of your house before going on holiday.

 

 

Cyclists. The hollowed out skin of a freshly baked jacket potato makes an ideal testicle warmer for chilly winter mornings.

[grungy-gonads 54]

I saw with interest that Coventry University offers courses in terrorism and organised crime. Now Osama bin Laden is pretty good at it, but he studied engineering or something similar to that. It just goes to show that your studies do not necessarily lead you to the right career.

 

I've just watched a Jewish woman on Channel 4 saying he religion forbids her from ripping up toilet paper on the sabbath, so she has to rip enough up on a Friday night to see her through the next day. I must admit, I'm not sure on a Friday what my arse is going to do on a Saturday. I wonder if she "prepares for the worst" just to be on the safe side. also, do these rules allow her to flush the bog afterwards, or does it have to sit stewing until Sunday morning?

[grungy-gonads 54]

My husbane suffers from erectile dysfunction, and he often gets quite upset when we try to have intercourse. So the other night I took a Swanee whistle into the bedroom and played it when he began to achieve or lost his erection. I thought it might put him at ease and lighten the atmosphere, but I have to say that it didn't really help all that much.

 

Every day I buy a nice farmhouse load from a red-headed man at the shop in town. He is quite literally a ginger baker. Do any of your readers know of a local businessman whose profession, when preceeded with a one-word description of him, forms the name of a classic drummer?

[grungy-gonads 54]

I recently suffered an accident at work. Yes when I called Claims Direct they told me I couldn't get compensation for shitting my pants whilst bending down to lift a pallet. Is there no justice?

 

If I was Marty McFly, I would go forward in time 30 minutes to check if it was raining so I would know whether or not to bring my washing in from the line. Can any of your readers think of a more mundane way of using a time machine?

 

They say that the Bible is the greatest story ever told. They obviously haven't heard my mates story about his recent trip to Amsterdam involving 3 prostitutes, an angry dwarf, a pool cue and a vibrating replica dog's foot. Honestly, it knocks all those biblical tales into a cocked hat.