thursday 1 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 A blonde walks into a barber shop with headphones on. She tells the barber what cut she wants, but that he has to cut around her headphones. The barber looks a little puzzled but agrees. So, he starts cutting the best he can but accidently he knocks the headphones off. Within a few seconds the girl dies. Very startled, the man walks over and picks up the headphones and hears, "breathe in, breathe out." Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 A man walks into a pub with an ostrich to his left and a cat on his right. He orders a pint of beer for himself, the ostrich and the cat. The cat shouts "I'm not paying for this round, I'm not paying" and they all go to sit down to drink their beer. When they're finished the same thing happens, the man goes for another pint each and the cat shouts "I'm not paying for this round either, you hear? I'm not paying!" The bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, asks the man "What's going on here with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "I dunno, something went wrong somewhere. I was outside the pub when a genie came up to me and granted me a wish... I asked for a big bird with a tight pussy". Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 I've never thought of pies that way. Link to post Share on other sites
gerard 6 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 That's gotta be deliberate. Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 A man walks into the bar and orders a beer. There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter. They start talking to the man. “Hey, you’re looking pretty hot tonight,†they say. The man thinks it’s a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot. He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins. As he is getting the money, the machine says: “You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life.†The man doesn’t feel good anymore. He thinks: “Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I’m hallucinating.†So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: “What’s up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I’m hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What’s going on?!†“Well,†says the bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order.†Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 Time to bring the Friday Thread back. The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.‘ Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.‘ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.‘ The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see … size 44 long‘ Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘ ‘Been in the business 60 years!‘ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?‘ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.‘ Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘ ‘Been in the business 60 years.‘ Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?‘ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.‘ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see…size 36.’ Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.‘ The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.‘ Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted September 3, 2010 Share Posted September 3, 2010 I ordered a rare steak in a restaurant last night, but they couldn't find one! Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted September 4, 2010 Share Posted September 4, 2010 Good to see the Friday thread back too Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted September 7, 2010 Share Posted September 7, 2010 have they found one yet? Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely." To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and says: "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies: "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy." Another student says: "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies: "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher: "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said: "No. But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies: "Then I definitely shit my pants." Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Nice... Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 On a rainy day, an little Indian from a tribe goes to his chief and asks, "Chief, how do you name all the people of our tribe?" The Chief replies,"Oh, it quite easy. When baby born, I look first thing I see moving in wilderness, and name baby just that." "How so?" asks the Indian. "Well," replies the Chief, "if I see coyote running in field, I name baby Running Coyote, if I see bull sit, I name baby Sitting Bull." "Oh, I see now" says the Indian. Then the Chief turns to the Indian and says, "Well, why do you ask, Two Dogs ****ing?" Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 ha ha - an oldy but an..........................oldy --------------------------------------------------------- In a similar vein :- A Scottish gentleman was heard to hold forth in a public establishment. "D'ye see that fence over there?" asked the man, pointing out the window. "I built that fence with my own two hands. I cut the wood and set each post. And do they call me Angus the Fence Setter? Nae, they dinnae!" He took a large pull at his pint and pointed to a nearby barn outside. "An' d'ye see that barn over there? I helped raise that barn. I pulled my weight and more to raise it upright, facing the heavens. And do they call me Angus the Barn Builder? Nae!" Another libation. He warmed to his topic. "You see that road out there?" He pointed with his crook out the door. "I built that road, each mile of it, by the sovereign sweat of my ain brow. And do they call me Angus the Road Paver? They dae no'!" A deep and bitter draft made its way down his gullet. But you go and f##k just one goat......... Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 :thumbsup: Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 A collection recently emailed to me - some good, some very good The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC Recovery Van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning! Can you believe that? 2:30am!!!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chriselle 158 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Thanks Chris, lots of in that lot Link to post Share on other sites
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