kkk 7 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." Link to post Share on other sites
kkk 7 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs." Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 Quote: TOKYO (Reuters) - Japanese police have arrested a 20-year-old man who attacked and robbed two people after they stared at his Winnie-the-Pooh costume, officials said on Tuesday. Masayuki Ishikawa was hanging out on a Tokyo street corner after midnight last month while wearing the cuddly costume, accompanied by two friends dressed as a mouse and a panther, when he took offence at being stared at, police said. "It's uncommon to see people dressed up like this, so the victims were watching them. Then the perpetrator came up and said 'What are you staring at?'" a police spokesman said. Ishikawa and his friends beat up the two victims and stole $160 from them, the spokesman said, adding the group had apparently donned the unusual garb because they had run out of clean clothes. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 ok, just a little time left. Where's that Stem joke? Link to post Share on other sites
aomorigum 0 Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 I missed the Friday - but, it's Saturday. Hurray!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Originally Posted By: thursday ok, just a little time left. Where's that Stem joke? been away at the beach for a few weeks with no internet access! Well here is a beach joke for you... A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is," The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." Link to post Share on other sites
frannyo 2 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Good one. Bum bum. Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 I wish today was Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 not long now, be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 I'm not feeling patient. But anyway, night on the town tomorrow night (and meeting up with big-will after he's had a good sob at Les Mis). Link to post Share on other sites
HoTRoD 2 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Not long to go now! Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Time for the Friday Joke Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Thank you thank you. And thank you clock for telling me it is Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Friday, sitting at home. Bit windy out. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Love that joke! Gonna have to remember that for the "Off to the Paralympics" party tomorrow night - I reckon that crew will think it is very funny too!! I'm exhausted this Friday. Early night tonight - what a shame! Link to post Share on other sites
joshnii 2 Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Just got in, so a late Friday night I think you could say. Am UI slurrring my wordds? Link to post Share on other sites
stemik 14 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Friday Joke A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off, the dentist said he would give the guy a shot to numb the jaw. But the guy said he was afraid of needles. The dentist said, "Okay, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." But the patient said he was allergic to gas. So, the dentist said he'd look for something else. After awhile, he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked what they were. The dentist said, "Viagra." The patient said, "What? Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't put you to sleep, but they'll give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth." Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 . that's better, the Friday joke.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tubby Beaver 209 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Hey Stemik, hows it going? Not seen you posting on here for a while (other than the Friday Joke). Guess your busy getting ready for winter Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 Nearly Friday folks Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 it's being a tough week. Link to post Share on other sites
tsondaboy 0 Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 Nearly time for one more of stems jokes, tension is rising! Link to post Share on other sites
soubriquet 0 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Military humour. Be warned, this can be offensive to some, and take a deal of time for others. http://www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/RAF You can waste a lot of time following the links.. Link to post Share on other sites
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