hellyer 216 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 I may have posted this before - can't remember, but worth a re-run 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 yes you have. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 the biggest dick? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DumbStick 13 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I just love penguins. Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted April 22, 2014 The Dinner She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.......... ............"I can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" "You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya think? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION ! ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ---------------- --------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? **************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! *************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ******************************************* And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted April 22, 2014 Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “ Pour lukewarm water around the edges. ” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Whole computer screwed up now.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, "Don't forget your hat." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 SUBJECT: FW: The sensuous wife..!!! WITH A VERY SEDUCTIVE VOICE THE WOMAN ASKED HER HUSBAND, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN TWENTY DOLLARS ALL CRUMPLED UP?" "NO," SAID HER HUSBAND. SHE GAVE HIM A SEXY LITTLE SMILE, UNBUTTONED THE TOP 3 OR 4 BUTTONS OF HER BLOUSE, AND SLOWLY REACHED DOWN INTO THE CLEAVAGE CREATED BY A SOFT, SILKY PUSH-UP BRA, AND PULLED OUT A CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL. HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FROM HER AND SMILED APPROVINGLY. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "UH... NO, I HAVEN'T," HE SAID, WITH AN ANXIOUS TONE IN HIS VOICE. SHE GAVE HIM ANOTHER SEXY LITTLE SMILE, PULLED UP HER SKIRT, AND SEDUCTIVELY REACHED INTO HER TIGHT, SHEER PANTIES... AND PULLED OUT A CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL. HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL, AND STARTED BREATHING A LITTLE QUICKER WITH ANTICIPATION. "NOW," SHE SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN $50,000 DOLLARS ALL CRUMPLED UP?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied "Go look in the garage". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onsen tamago 0 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 haha some good ones Until next week. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 yeah yeah I know it's not Tuesday yet but I am busy tomorrow, though really I just can't wait to post these beauties Cover your eyes GOODY GOODY! THE FIRST WALMART PICTURES OF 2014 THIS IS WHAT THE "BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE" ARE WEARING THIS SEASON IN WALMART You have no idea how exhausting it can be putting on tight purple sweat pants!! Pensacola, Florida Don't laugh! Its okay, because today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy Hair Day, all rolled into one. College Station, Texas Apparently, Lester Flem doesn't know whether he's homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. However, if you look up the word 'Transgender' in the dictionary...BINGO!!!! There you will see a picture of dear old flaming Lester in his boots. Laguna Niguel, California Packing this rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to hide an elephant behind a squirrel. Seattle, Washington And men claim they can't meet classy women in stores? Go figure! Louisville, Kentucky Is that a THONG Ollie Hopnoddle is wearing?? I can't look again or I'll go blind. Mountain Brook , Alabama For my own sanity, I have to assume that Gussie Klothgrunt is shoplifting two pork roasts in her shirt ... simply because there is no possible way that can be anything other that two pork roasts in her shirt. Can't be! Forestdale, Alabama No way, Laquanda, absolutely not! That outfit does not at all make you look like a Hooker. Midlothian, Virginia It's like a big pink garbage bag filled with creamed corn and door knobs. Houston, Texas This is perfectly understandable. This one was just on her way to the Country Club when she remembered she needed some coffee and a couple of yoga videos. Besides, she thought to herself, I'll just throw on these gray shorts and I'll be smokin'. Nashville, Tennessee I love talking with Freidagurtz Finkelstein, because she always seems so surprised and interested in what I have to say. Grand Rapids, Michigan Holy Golden Illusions of Grandeur, I gotta get me that outfit!!!! Alpharetta, Georgia Either that lady has a tail or Barney is stuck where the sun doesn't shine. Loves Park, Illinois I'm not sure what kinky Bathsheba Squeal plans to do with that pie filling, but there is just something about her that tells me she doesn't bake, she doesn't watch Rachael Ray, and she has no intention of using that pie filling in the kitchen. La Verne, California I have infinite admiration for the sheer strength of good quality denim. Moreover, I will be eternally thankful if Honeysuckle's jeans wait until she reaches the truck to explode. Seriously, they should consider using denim on the next NASA space shuttle. Spring, Texas For those times when you need fried okra and chicken strips so badly, that you just can't wait for the bleach to set. Oxford, Mississippi Phew, that's it SJ'ers................I think I am going to have to lie down now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Dem yanks sure are ****ing weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted May 12, 2014 An early Tuesday Titter here as I am rather busy in the morning:- A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mum. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted: I'll do the f...ing dishes!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 Impossibilities in the world 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
griller 9 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 "3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out." I can! Link to post Share on other sites
Tubby Beaver 209 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 "3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out." I can! Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 "3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out." I can! Good one Griller Can you also touch the hotplate with your tongue? he he he 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 only when it's turned on. Link to post Share on other sites
Peetan 10 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 only when it's turned on. This could be the punch line to so many things.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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