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I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.


I told them to shove off!!



Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “ Pour lukewarm water around the edges. ” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Whole computer screwed u



Difference between grandparents


Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her Launceston school, daily, by her Grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the Grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

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Got to love older people!






While Eddie was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica .

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting

sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,

"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

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  • 1 month later...

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

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Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......





She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty bastard went on to sing about it !

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This is too beautiful not to share:-


Where Would You Be?












Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!







You'd be at the


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Boom Tish material


I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu'


Dyslexic man walks into a bra''


I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''


I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''


There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that


A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''


I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.


I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.


I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''


I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.


I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.


I tried water polo but my horse drowned


A seal walks into a club..



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Two well dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.


The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.


After a little while Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."


Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."


Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"


The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"


“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.


"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"


The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a Fcuck?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?".

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  • 1 month later...

Seven Degrees Of Blond




A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'





A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it

to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'




A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'




What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'




Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'

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BAD Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.




Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.




For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,............... "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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I Never knew this.

In the Kingdom of Thailand


In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:


They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)


A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.


As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.


The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.


This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.


And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!

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The joke of the week

Ol' Fred was in the hospital, badly ill. The family called his personal physician and best friend to stand with them.

As his best friend stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for

something to write on.


His friend lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note,

then immediately after, died. Â The friend, in his grief, put the note in his wallet and forgot about it.Â


2 days later, at the funeral, as he was finishing a speech about the life of his best friend Fred, he realised that he still

had the note.


He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."


He opened the note and read,

"You're standing on my oxygen tube!"


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  • 4 weeks later...

Belated Tuesday Titter


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and

gives him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only

here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my

testicles black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate

from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles

gently in the other.


She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,

Sir. They look fine."


The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says

very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen

very, very closely:


Are - my - test - results - back?"

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I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood



I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each

corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.


The local police, ASIO and other intelligence services are all watching

my house 24/7.


I've never felt safer.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.


The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.


So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.


Drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.


One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.


Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.


She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.


After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.


The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties !!'


'That's nothing' said the other husband,

'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...


"From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you."

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