Top Tips

[grungy-gonads 54]

When I can't find something, I find it helps to start looking for something else. When my slippers are missing, I start looking for the TV remote control, and most times I come across my slippers. Perhaps America could use the same ploy in their hunt for Osama Bin Laden, by starting to look for Adolf Hitler.

 

I recently saw an advert advising that you can now sign up for Jobseekers Allowance online "at your convenience". I'm glad the government has finally recognised how busy the unemployed are and are not forcing them to turn off Jeremy Kyle and put down the Jaffa Cakes to go outside at an awkward time.

[grungy-gonads 54]

I've just heard that short-arsed, overhyped fukwit Bono is coming to New Zealand. Next time you tell him to fuk off, could you be a little more precise and not send him our way?

 

Do any of your readers know the correct way to dispose of a condom immediately after sex? I normally just throw it towards the bedside table, but I just had a massive row with the missus about "not showing respect" for a picture of her mam and dad.

[grungy-gonads 54]

I made a point of watching the Simply Red farewell show the other week. I'm not a fan, I just wanted to make sure.

 

"Dedication. Dedication, ooh! Decication, that's what you need. If you wanna be the best, if you wanna beat the rest. Oooooh! Dedication's what you need", sang Roy Castle at the end of every episode of Record Breakers. Well the world's shortest man is 2 feet 2 inches tall, while I'm 6 foot 8. I don't see how any amount of frigging dedication on my behalf is going to win me that title.

[grungy-gonads 54]

If dolphins are so clever, how come they haven't been to space, but mice have? It's a load of old nonsense if you ask me.

 

It's a good job that Clark Kent never wore contact lenses, as his true identity would have immediately been revealed.

 

I was quite depressed about the new government coalition and their huge cuts. But I find it helps to imagine Nick Clegg and David Cameron as a kind of political version of that My Two Dads sitcom. That way, I went from being depressed about losing my job to chucking about them being so different but, through a serious of comical situations, leaning to get along.

[grungy-gonads 54]

That's all for now folks.

Printed with kind permission.

Need a beer now.

 

[pie-eater 207]

Domo!

[samandfee 1]

Yo This is Top tips yeah

 

Avoid idiots right...when i asked my mate about Qatar getting the world cup........i simply said c'mon who's the best Qatar player then.... he said Eric Clapton.

[kokodoko 67]

thanks gonads, they were very funny. i loved viz.

[Tubby Beaver 209]

Originally Posted By: samandfee

Yo This is Top tips yeah

Avoid idiots right...when i asked my mate about Qatar getting the world cup........i simply said c'mon who's the best Qatar player then.... he said Eric Clapton.

haha I like that one!

[hellyer 216]

Originally Posted By: samandfee

Yo This is Top tips yeah

Avoid idiots right...when i asked my mate about Qatar getting the world cup........i simply said c'mon who's the best Qatar player then.... he said Eric Clapton.

Good one - I larfed and larfed

[thursday 1]

Massive funny. Thanks GG.

 

Quote:

I've just heard that short-arsed, overhyped fukwit Bono is coming to New Zealand. Next time you tell him to fuk off, could you be a little more precise and not send him our way?

 

 

[Schneebored 0]

Good work Mr Gonads.

 

I laughed pretty hard. I think a little bit of wee came out.

[pie-eater 207]

 

Funny.

[kokodoko 67]

I found these in the Mirror site. i laffed.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

 

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

 

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

 

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

 

DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

 

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

 

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

 

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

 

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

 

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

[BagOfCrisps 24]

All of them useful.

All of them useful.

[Curt 1]

 

This thread is sweet.

[pie-eater 207]

Must be nearly time for some new Top Tips?

[grungy-gonads 54]

I'll let you know as soon as the new Viz arrives.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Good news Top Tips fans.

 

New Viz arrived today. So give me a bit of time.

 

Funny, I may well be missing an issue, will get onto Vizpeeps.

[grungy-gonads 54]

A recent advert for Emirates Airlines claims that "There's Nothing Like Australia". I always thought New Zealand would be pretty similar.

 

I was at Heathrow the other day and I saw this Quantas plane land and it was full of Australians coming to our country. Now I know that everyone deserves a second chance and bygones should be bygones but didn't we ship off all our criminals there? And before letting them back into the country is there anyone checking to see if their sentences are up?

 

Why is it that aliens always give their planets a name and a number, like Metabilis 3? Surely there can't be two other planets in their solar system called Metabilis. And if there were, why didn't they call them something else instead, like Zargon or Kargol?

 

My mate reckons that when Mick Hucknall dies The Sun is going to run the headline RIP Hucknall, whereas I'm certain they will go with Simply Dead. So if you're reading this Mick, could you speed it up? I've got 5 quid riding on this.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Facebook isn't working today so I was wondering if you could let me use your letterbocks page to tell my 213 friends that "Cheese on toast with brown sauce rules - LOL". Thank's in advance, it's important that they know these things.

 

I wonder if any readers can settle an argument. I reckon the word "unlimited" means unlimited. However, my mate Sir Richard Branson, reckons that when used in sentences like "Virgin Mobile gives you unlimited internet access", it means 1GB and not a KB more. Who is correct?

[grungy-gonads 54]

To the gentleman in the end cubicle in South Mimms Services toilets: Your fake coughing, no matter how well-timed, does not hide the gargantuan plopping noises coming from your cubicle.

 

I don't know why local councils don't just use oridinary gloss paint when renewing road markings. Several years ago my neighbour painted a large erect penis on our road using some gloss he had left over from doing his bathroom. He did it just after the council had renewed the road markings. The giant penis is still clearly visible but the white lines faded away a long time ago.

[grungy-gonads 54]

When my wife found out that I have been sleeping with her sister for the last five years, she started crying her eyes out. When she finally calmed down, she asked me "How could you keep something like this a secret?" I had to laugh as it seemed pretty obvious. I simply didn't tell anyone.

 

I have just opened a packet of "Salt or not" crisps to find that not is the operative word. If anyone finds that they have two sachets of salt in their crisp packet, then please let me know via the pages of Viz, as I think one of them is mine.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Britain's 2.5 jobless. Why not retrain as Premier League football managers. Vacancies are always cropping up.

 

Dog owners. Convince your pet that he or she is hard of hearing by silently mouthing the words "walkies" and "fetch".

 

Use paper underwear but don't throw it away after use. Simple use a rubber to remove skid marks.

 

Vicars. Increase the size of your congregation by substituting sour cream and chives Pringles at Holy Communion instead of the outdated unleaveanded bread wafers. I'm sure God won't mind.

 

Pub chains. Microwaveable steak and ale pies and processed chicken make great accompanyments for tepid, flat lager.

 

Staff at the Orange Shop in Camden. Save time and energy by leaving a sign in the window saying "Call customer services on 150", then take the day off.

[grungy-gonads 54]

Fall of the Allardyce

 

West Ham United have issued an apology to Sam Allardyce after the former manager was sacked SEVEN times by the club in 6 months - despite never having been employed by them.

 

The former Blackburn Rovers manager was enjoying a relaxing break between sackings when he first received a letter from Board of Directors at West Ham, thanking him for his efforts at the club and dispensing with his services.

 

The former Newcastle United chief assumed it was merely a clerical error and thought nothing of it, but over the following months several more letters arrived, all terminating his contract at Upton Park.

 

A spokesman for the London based club blamed the letters to the sometime Bolton Wanderers manager on an administrative slip during a staff training exercise.

 

"Sacking Sam Allardyce is something that every football club must be prepared for. It is part of West Ham's disaster management strategy. We routinely run through his imaginary dismissal once a month, so that when we eventually come to do it for real it won't be a problem".

 

However the exercises are so realistic that administrative staff at the club never know whether they are sacking the former Notts County manager for real or not. As a result, one-time manager of Limerick FC Allardyce continually receives dismissal letters from the West Ham board.

 

The letters are usually followed up by a phone call telling the erstwhile West Brom assistant that his sacking was just an exercise and not to be alarmed. But the constant practice dismissals are taking their toll on the ex-Blackpool chief.

 

"It's terrible", said former Preston North End caretaker manager Allardyce. "I can't plan anything or take holidays because I am in constant fear of the sack from West Ham, even though I am not currently employed"

 

But despite the mistake, the West Ham directors defended their stance. A spokesman told reporters "We make no apologies for our actions in repeatedly sacking Sam Allardyce every month".

 

"If it inconveniences one ex-manager, then it's a small price to pay for making sure the correct processes are followed in the event that Sam Allardyce is employed and then very likely dismissed by our club a few months later", he added.