grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 Why is it that when birds fly south for the winter they always go to the same place. They should try somewhere new every year like me and the wife do. Every time I see the numbers 9:11 on my bedside clock radio. I get a shiver down the spine. Not because it brings back memories of the New York atrocities, but because I'm over 10 minutes late for work. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 My local travel firm, Merseyrail, bears the motto "Merseyrail - more than just a journey". Well after being mugged on their Wirral line service recently, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank them for their honesty. I can't understand why people enter the Great North Run in fancy costume. They're never going to win dressed as an elephant or a box of cornflakes. Every year without fail the winner has been dressed in shorts and a vest. You'd think they would have learned by now. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 HAIRDRESSERS. Instead of repeatedly asking customers parrot fashion where they are going on holiday, why not charge them less for a dry trim? That way, we might be able to go further than Minehead. One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania, say Oxfam. So how come Yorkshire Water charge me 25 quid a month for my 3 bedroomed semi? The fleecing bastards. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 More tomorrow, tired now. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 Well given the huge popularity of my posts last night, I'll spend more of my time doing more now. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 How come triple chocolate brownies are the same size as normal chocolate brownies? If they've got triple the chocolate in them, they should be triple the size. Why are rail bosses going to increase their fares above the rate of inflation? If anything, rail companies should reduce them or even give them away for free. After all, the train is making the journey anyway, so it makes no difference if perople get on or not. I notice that on the advert for Ambi-Pur's new 3-in-1 air freshner, one of the fragrances is entitled "Open Window". With their UK head office located 10 miles downwind from Slough, I can't see this being much of a selling point. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 If the Soclialist Worker is a revolutionary, anti-capitalist paper, how come I have to pay 80p for it? I have a great idea about how to solve the worlds problems, including famine and climate change. I can't say much about it at the minute as it is top secret, but as part of the research I need as many ladies as possible, aged between 21 and 31, and dress sizes 8-12 to send me their used underwear and a photo of themselves. Please hurry, as time is running out. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 I've recently started wanking into my ex-girlfriends swimming hat. Have other readers got heartwarming ways of reminiscing about old flames? I've been looking at my feet and I reckon that most of the time I've only got one foot on the ground, but shoe manufacturers only sell shoes in pairs, pocketing double the money. They must think I'm stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 I got an email this morning which, along with a link that read "Surprise your wife with an enlarged penis". I have to say, that I have an enlarged penis most nights when I climb into bed, and my wife doesn't seem in the least bit surprised. I think she's rather come to expect it. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 Fat people. Use up even more space in the pub by playing darts. Make people at the garden centre believe you have a garden by going to the garden centre. Haunted House? A large cut-out of PacMan makes an ideal 'scarecrow' for ghosts. F1 drivers. Improve the fuel efficiency of your vehicles by driving at a stready 58mph Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 "Get back in the studio and start making hits again". Thats the message from worried newspaper bosses for jailed George Michael. The heartfelt plea comes from tabloid editors and headline writers who fear they have now exhausted every possible pun based in Wham! star's back catalogue. Michael, real name Stavros Flatley, has slowed down his musical output in recent years, last releasing an album in 2004. This has forced press journalists to come up with ever more tenuous straplines when reporting his constant brushes with the law for drugs, motoring and sex offences. These usually consiste of a brief description of his latest crime coupled with the suffix "before you go-go". According to Fleet Street veteran Gary Tits, Michael now owes it to sub-editors to get back in the studio and write more hits. He told us "We've been through every possible permutation of Young Guns, Freedom and Wham Rap. Given his track record, British newspapers need at least another 2 albums for him in the next 5 years. Preferably with song titles that ryhme with cannabis and bumming" Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 Pop megastar Bono suffered a double whammy when international travel ground to a halt due to the ash cloud. His favourite hat was relaxing in Cannes before returning to join the arsehole in Las Vegas for the next leg of the U2 360 tour. "I can't go onstage without my favourite titfer, and I didn't want to let my zillions of fans down by refusing to perform," said Bono, real name Bonesworth Onanbridge. "I usually get it brought to where I am by private jet, but with no flights in or out of Europe, that wasn't possible. So I had a word with my pals at the United Nations, and they commandeered a fleet of US aircraft carriers which brought it over on a panda skin cushion" Not only was the Dublin-born shortarse inconvenienced in that department, but the ash cloud cost him financially too. "I was moving my tax affairs to Holland, but the plane taking them was grounded. So they ended up sitting on the tarmac at Dublin, and I was unable to legally avoid paying the full rate of duty on my earnings for nearly 12 days". Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 Thats it for this time folks. Got to get some work done. Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 great stuff thanks for the effort Link to post Share on other sites
thursday 1 Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 get it up sooner next time Link to post Share on other sites
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