HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 I am quite sad today. I visited a friend (well more the husband of a friend, but I consider him 'friend' as well) in hospital in between work and school duties - and it may well have been the last goodbye. It is just a waiting game for him now, the palliative stage of end stage cancer, and it really is today, tomorrow, the next day...depite drifting in and out of conciousness he is still quite alert when he is awake, and even got up to visit the loo under his own steam. He is very aware this is the end. What does one say? I went with whatever felt right, not even sure what I said in hindsight. The old standby's of "get well soon", "I hope you feel better" and 'she'll be right mate' just don't work!! I only live 2 minutes from the hospital, so I may get a chance to go again before he passes....but what is the right thing to say? Maybe it is a time I need to just be with...and to be quiet.... Looks like I am interpreting at the funeral - they asked me today .... that will be incredibly tough, but an incredible honor. Life sucks some days. Link to post Share on other sites
big-will 7 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 That is a really toughy. I have never been in that situation and don't know how I would react. (I don't even know what to say to you now!) Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Mama, not having had this experience, I have just my gut instincts to go on. That said, take this however you want. Were it I in his position, I'd probably like to have people around me who were prepared to accept that the end is approaching, but not dwell on it. I'd want people to be themselves, treat me as if I were still the friend they'd always known, but possibly with a bit of "remember when we ..." thrown in. Now, as I said, this is all supposition on my part, I've never been there, so don;t know what to say. When my forst wife died, it was sudden. Here one minute, gone the next - literally! It did take a bit of getting over, but life continues for us who are left. Possibly the very best thing you could do would be to ensure that he knows that you will be a support and help for his wife in the days and months that follow, whatever they may bring. Link to post Share on other sites
2pints-mate 0 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Very nicely put JA. Link to post Share on other sites
snowbender 3 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 I was just about to post that. I've also never been in any situation like this, but realise that sometime in the not too distant future I'm going to have to confront this kind of thing not least because my parents - while still genki - are no longer spring chickens. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 Originally Posted By: JA Now, as I said, this is all supposition on my part, I've never been there, so don;t know what to say. When my forst wife died, it was sudden. Here one minute, gone the next - literally! It did take a bit of getting over, but life continues for us who are left. Possibly the very best thing you could do would be to ensure that he knows that you will be a support and help for his wife in the days and months that follow, whatever they may bring. Thanks JA, He did say to me "she's taking this worse than me I think" with a bit of soft laugh. He had sat forward, so I rubbed his back and said "Don't you worry about her - we will all take very good care of her". So I think that box got ticked. Now to live up to the promise. Yeah I think you are on the money! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 Originally Posted By: snowbender I was just about to post that. I've also never been in any situation like this, but realise that sometime in the not too distant future I'm going to have to confront this kind of thing not least because my parents - while still genki - are no longer spring chickens. Snowbender, while this fellow is not a young man - he is by no means old either - late 40's early 50's (bit older than my friend who is 46, but not much). His kids are grown - which is a good thing. And they are here by his side (his son has been taking the night shift on a mattress on the floor in the hospital, bless him). Age makes facing your mortality more imminently likely - but it is possible at any age and without warning as JA sadly discovered. I have been lucky to have not had to face the death of friends and family too often and too intimately as yet, but it is one of those things that we do not "do" well isn't it. No-one knows what is the right thing to say or to do. My friend has a wicked, if morbid, sense of humor and I think she will make some shocking cracks to get her through the coming weeks....I suppose it is best to be yourself with a touch of sensitivity thown in. Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Originally Posted By: Mamabear My friend has a wicked, if morbid, sense of humor and I think she will make some shocking cracks to get her through the coming weeks....I suppose it is best to be yourself with a touch of sensitivity thrown in. Spot on! Link to post Share on other sites
frannyo 2 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 That must be awful. Things like that have not invaded my real world as yet, though I realise and have friends who have had things happen fairly suddenly. Doesn't bear thinking about. Good luck with it all, must be terribly saddening. Link to post Share on other sites
foreversnow 5 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 My Sympathies MB. I just lost one of my closest friends. We grew up together, Partyed WAY to much and enjoyed life to the max. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer 18 months ago and died 2 weeks ago. It was very hard for me when I went to see her and she had just been told there was nothing else they could do for her. What did I say. Here she was asking me about my niece's wedding, my ski trip etc and here I was in my mind thinking you are not even going to see your daughter reach 16. I left broken hearted everytime but at least we spoke as if she was one day going to get out of hospital. Her last 2 weeks were spent dosed heavily on Morphine and sleeping as the pain was to much. One of my last promises to her was to take her a beer. Unfortunately she died before she could have it. RIP my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
muikabochi 208 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 I have been hearing so many of this kind of story in the last year. Perhaps part of getting older, even though I'm not really 'old' Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 To be honest, what I've found, is that the dying, or terminally ill, wish to be treated exactly the same as they were before, yet in the West, death is such a taboo subject, that most of us are scared to face it. When my neighbour died, who was a friend and only 5 years older than me, we sat and chatted the night before he passed away, as naturally as I could muster. To this day, it always brings a tear to my eye to think of him and how young he was, yet he lived life to the full. Link to post Share on other sites
Mantas 3 Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Unfortunately mamma I have been in that situation. I was at the bedside holding hands with a loved one when they passesd on. Same as your friend, the big C. It's a cruel disease. They were hardly aware that I was there. I'm no expert on cancer but it sounds like he may still have a way to go. Hope not. There's not much you can say and I don't think that they expect you to say much either. All the best with that one mamma. Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Mama, please let him kow that there are people around the world who're thinking of him. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 Thanks guys, Visited again today - he was quite chipper. Had a visit from his wifes Aunts who said thier goodbyes - pretty emotional stuff. While his aunts were there I went outside with his wife who gave me his song choices for the funeral to practice...omg...Danny Boy, The Prayer and Nessun Dorma. So I have to translate from Italian to English to Sign Language. WOW! I am going to spend a good part of tomorrow downloading the songs to practice with, I would like to do them justice for him. However....I am leaving on the 26th, so I might not even be here depending on how fast things go. He has amazed the Dr's up to now. They anticipated 2 days when he was admitted to the palliative ward, however he has been there 17 days now. He now holds the record for being in thier palliative care unit for the longest time. He is a fighter. The more time I spend with them the more I see that it was not just me who thought he was a great guy - people from all walks think the world of him. Amazing how bad things happen to such good people and yet there are so many self destructive morons wandering around with thier health!! Not real fair is it! Link to post Share on other sites
Mantas 3 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 No it's not mamma. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhappy 0 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 There's been a fair few things happening with people around of late as well which has been a bit of a shock to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 My friend passed away very early this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
foreversnow 5 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 My sincere condolences MB. I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
scouser 4 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Sorry to hear that Mamabear. Link to post Share on other sites
muikabochi 208 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Sounds like he battled on til the end. Link to post Share on other sites
7-11 2 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 How is his wife taking it? Trying to be prepared for the inevitable is one thing, dealing with it when it happens is unfortunately another. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 I have not talked to her directly. We txt msg-ed back and forth in the wee hours this morning and I sent my love. Her sister rang me once the sun came up. Apparently she is coping quite well at the moment. I think the lead up has made it easier to go into autopilot. They had all the plans ready to go, so she really is now just following the plan that they laid down together, and that will keep her feet going one after the other for a while. She plans to go away to a health spa retreat for a while once the funeral is done, which will be Wed or Thursday. I think that is a great idea. Time to grieve as she wishes without trying to put on a brave face for friends and family. New Years Eve will be hard for her - it is her birthday and her Wedding Anniversary, and the day that her hubby was trying to hold on for.... I will be away but I plan to organise her a gift to be delivered on that day from us...just got to decide what. Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Sad, mama, but inevitable, i feel! My thoughts are with you, please just make sure your friend knows that you are with her, and be ready to listen whenever she feels like a good rant. I do know that keeping busy at such a time will help her, it will not ease the pain, but it will keep some of it at bay until she can deal with it. (Been there, done that!) The anniversaries are still the hardest (even after upwards of 30 years, I still feel them a little!) buttime will dull the pain a bit, especially if she has supportive family and friends around her. All you can do is be there in support. And, keep reminding her of the love that surrounds her. Link to post Share on other sites
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