Jokes

[JellyBelly 1]

I hardly ever hear any jokes (you know, the one liner kind) any more.

 

Are they extinct? (or am I just not hanging out with people who tell jokes!)

[simop 0]

Ok!

 

I donno how well this translates from fin to english but lets give it a shot:

 

Q:Why does mickey have shit in his ear??

 

A:Goofy was singing karoke , and someone from groud shouted:

Shut up and stick that mic in your ars.

 

Okey it went quite well , finnish micey and microfone are the same word. Hope you at least smiled a little

[Weegeoff 0]

I have not spoken to the wife for 2 years

I could not interrupt her.

[Error404 0]

 

Are　you coming to japan again this winter?

[snobee 0]

Bob woke up starvin', nothin in the fridj, ran up to the conbini and bought 2 eggs and some tomato sauce (ketchup). Rounding the corner on the way home hit a guy " Smack". All and sundry bowled over. The guy helped Bob to his feet and said, "Don't worry mate, it wouldn't have lived anyway, it's eyes are too far apart."

[Weegeoff 0]

error 404

Yes. I fly out on the 31 March. Leave on 16 April

[Weegeoff 0]

Did you here about the homo who fanced himself

But just could not get round to it

 

two homo cowboys

One said Yup The other one said Yup

[misorano 1]

 Quote:

Bob woke up starvin', nothin in the fridj, ran up to the conbini and bought 2 eggs and some tomato sauce (ketchup). Rounding the corner on the way home hit a guy " Smack". All and sundry bowled over. The guy helped Bob to his feet and said, "Don't worry mate, it wouldn't have lived anyway, it's eyes are too far apart."

Don't get it! (Bit slow)

[sava 0]

(Was told this by a Serbian so I don't want to change the race).

 

Q: Why does a drunk Serbian go to bed with two glasses, one full, one empty?

 

A: He doesn't know if he'll be thirsty in the morning!

[Weegeoff 0]

Paddy working on the building site and traps his finger badly. So he has to go to the hospital.

The doc phones up his wife and tells her he had to cut his finger off

Not the whole finger she cryed

No the next one to it

[js 0]

You know the world has turned when:

 

The best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war,the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush' 'Dick' and 'Colon'

and the Prime Minister of Australia is flanked by two senior Ministers whose names are Abbott and Costello!

 

[Oyuki kigan 0]

Whats the difference between a snowboard instructor and a savings bond?

 

A savings bond eventually matures and makes money.

 

What do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?

 

Homeless

 

Whats the hardest part about being a skier?

 

Telling your parents you`re gay

(i hope i don`t offend gay people by suggesting they are skiers)

 

Whats the easiest part about being a skier?

 

Fitiing those small balls into those tight pants

 

(unless you are hitting Chad`s gap, and then you need to sugically have them removed because they are so big they are slowing you down)

[me jane 0]

Found this on a website.

 

Two Dyslexic Skiers were at the top of a mountain in the Alps getting ready to ski down to the bottom.

The first one said to his mate, "Come on then, let's Zig Zag all the way down."

His friend replied, "No, no, you've got it wrong. We should be Zag Zigging down."

"It's Zig-Zag" said the first.

"No it's Zag-Zig" argued his mate.

Then they saw a guy on a sled waiting to take a run down the slope. They asked his opinion on their dilemma.

"Is it Zig-Zag or Zag-Zig?" asked the first skier.

"I don't know, I'm a tobogganist" he replied.

"Oh, ok" said the second skier "I'll have 20 Marlboros instead please."

[Oyuki kigan 0]

A Russian, a Cuban, a Whistler local, and an Aussie are taking the quad up Seventh heaven, on Blackcomb. A little way up, the Russian pulls out a big bottle of fine vodka from his Jacket, takes a swig, and throws the almost-full bottle off the lift. Everyone is in an uproar. "What did you do that for? That Was fine Russian vodka!" exclaimed the Whistler local. "Ah, in my country, vodka is like water" replied the Russian. While everyone is thinking about his comment, the Cuban pulls a fat cigar out of his jacket, takes puff on it, and throws it over too. Again "What the F...! That was an expensive Cuban cigar! What did you do that for?" the local asked. The Cuban repied dryly "In Cuba, we use them for firewood, we have so many". Everyone stopped to think about it.

Then the Whistler local threw the Aussie off the lift.

[boardbaka 3]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

 

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".Amazed that this bloke knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

 

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

 

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

 

Well and truly pissed off that this little bloke doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

 

The little old man gingerly climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, faces the huge audience and starts to sing .....

 

"A jazz chord to say I ruv yoo..."

[boardbaka 3]

 Quote:

Originally posted by Weegeoff:
Paddy working on the building site and traps his finger badly. So he has to go to the hospital.
The doc phones up his wife and tells her he had to cut his finger off
Not the whole finger she cryed
No the next one to it

I don't get it !

[boardbaka 3]

In loving memory of Ronnie Barker.

 

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker

could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes).

The irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery

must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it

without converting the spoonerisms.

 

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

 

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella

worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters

were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was

called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had

fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to

the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

 

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her

name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned

a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy

ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

 

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight

otherwise,there would be a cucking falamity.

 

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!" said

Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping

her slass glipper.

 

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and

the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg

nd let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

 

Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking

brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly

isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

 

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and

it fitted pucking ferfectly.

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny.

[js 0]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar.

 

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 

“Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

 

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

 

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

 

He swears every word is true.

 

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

 

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

[Weegeoff 0]

Boardbaka

Hole finger

[nzlegend 1]

 Quote:

Originally posted by boardbaka:
In loving memory of Ronnie Barker.

. Ronnie Barker
could say all this without a snigger (though God

thats because he was lucking fegend! R.I.P

[farquah 0]

It`s raining cats and dogs outside..........there`s poodles everywhere!! Badum tsch!

[gamera 0]

English jokes are hard, like "what's the point?".

Maybe you feel the same when you meet some Japanese ones.

 

[nzlegend 1]

Some Chav jokes for the Brits.

safe to say there are no chavs on this forum!

 

1. What do you call a Chav in a box?

 

Innit.

 

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

 

Sorted

 

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

 

Safe.

 

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

 

Innuinnit.

 

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

 

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

 

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

 

The bride.

 

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

 

It might be your bike.

 

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

 

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

 

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

 

What you lookin' at?"

 

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

 

Paint three stripes on it.

 

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

 

The police

 

12. What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSEs?

 

A liar.

 

13. What do you say to a Chav with a job?

 

Can I have a Big Mac Please?

 

14. What do you say to a Chav in a suit?

 

Will the defendant please stand

 

15. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

 

A Nova seats 4

 

16. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

 

Granny.

 

17. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?

 

A start.

 

18. Why did the Chav cross the road?

 

To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

 

19. What do you call a Chav at college?

 

The cleaner.

 

20. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?

 

Society

[Weegeoff 0]

I hate to ask. but what is a chav?

[kintaro 0]

I hate to ask but I too wonder what a Chav is?

 

I've posted this to another thread but there was a joke about Micheal Jackson (I think it was Chris Rock) that said "only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white women."

 

But more important, what is a Chav?