Dear Alcohol

[cal 6]

One of those things doing the rounds I think. I have a hangover today so the timing was, well,...

 

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Dear Alcohol,

 

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan

of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there

when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at

the game, and you're even around in the holidays,

hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're

stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your

intentions. While I want to believe that you have my

best interests at heart, I feel that your influence

has led to some unwise consequences:

 

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that

communication is important, I question the suggestion

that any conversation of substance or necessity takes

place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those

ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they

do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone

all hours of the night?

 

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why

do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,

along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips

(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat

after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an

eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this

time.

 

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me

that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I

see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to

fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black

& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the

next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never

take me more than 45 seconds to get the

front door key into the lock.

 

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This

is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our

previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the

3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My

entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper

precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread

products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out

face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,

the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere

with my daily activities.

 

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years

now & would like to ensure that we remain on good

terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the

provocation for much laughter, and the needed

companion when I just don't know what to do with the

extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this

friendship, I ask that you carefully review my

grievances above & address them immediately. I will

look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm

(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &

hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

 

Thank you,

 

Your biggest fan

[2pints-mate 0]

A friend has a t-shirt.

 

On it, it says:

 

"A PINT AND A FIGHT - A GREAT BRITISH NIGHT"

 

Thought I'd just mention that here.

[boardbaka 3]

2pints I just saw the drunk and dangerous one produced by the BBC- Southend on Sea etc- Theres some nutters down there right?

[2pints-mate 0]

That's "Binge Britain" for you.

 

The Daily Mail is very annoyed.

[nzlegend 1]

One of my old workmates used to say about another work mate " he's got too much blood in his alcohol system" and he wasnt joking.

The guy drank at least 4-5 jugs of beer most every nights at the pub. He must have blown half his wages on beer.

(1jug = about 1 litre.)

 

[kintaro 0]

I knew a guy that had the same expression and I'm quite sure he downed a fifth of vodka a day. Yikes!

[Ocean11 0]

When I worked at Pizza Hut and was sampling their fine wine all day, the booze sent my kidneys into a tailspin so that no urine came out and I swelled up to twice my normal size. It was very educational and caused me to review my approach to drink.

[brit-gob 9]

So what did that teach you then?

[Davo 1]

I've recently knocked drinking on the head, more-or-less, and feel all the better for it. Actually, I hadn't drunk anything for over a fortnight when two very good old friends paid a surprise visit to Japan this week. Kind of have to drink in that kind of situation so one night I had 5 beers .

 

The next day I wasn't exactly hungover but I felt very slow and groggy. Drinking basically seems to act like a handbrake on my everyday life. I like it at the time but the after effects are hardly worth it. I suspect that even a couple of beers would have an effect on me the next day. Back to sobriety then until the next special occassion. Life is too short for hangovers and I really am turning into the old man I'm starting to sound like.

[kintaro 0]

I agree with you Davo. I quit drinking annually every September until February - completley. I'm getting ready for snowboard season! It's just a thing I do. And while drinking can be a lot of fun, it's just a little too taxing on the body to do it regularly (for me).

[Davo 1]

Not to mention the wallet Kintaro.

[soubriquet 0]

Don't have a drink problem,

'cept when I can't get a drink...

 

(Tom Waits)

[Ocean11 0]

> So what did that teach you then?

 

If you think it might be stylish to start the day with a can of Special Brew and keep yourself topped up with wine during working hours, be sure to include some water and a diuretic such as coffee in your regimen to avoid inconvenient bodily swelling.

[scouser 4]

 Quote:

start the day with a can of Special Brew

That is scary stuff. (Special Brew is actually scary stuff at any time of day).

[Davo 1]

I had a can of that once thinking it would be a good budget solution. Just got a headache immediately following consumption, it's like a fastrack hangover in a can.

 

Streetdrinkers with their cans of Special Brew are one of Britains most underated sightseeing attractions. A visual tableau of good times had by all.

[rach 1]

Carlsberg Special Brew? Disgusting. Does anyone actually like the taste?

[Ocean11 0]

No. But when I was young and drank to inhibit what seemed like boundless and intolerable amounts of undirected energy, Special Brew was certainly fast acting. I didn't turn my nose up at Thunderbird Wine either (although it caused some of my lady friends at Uni to redecorate the interiors of taxis on their way home.)

[cal 6]

I think I tried that once - and went back quickly to my easier-to-swallow vodka.

[Ocean11 0]

Get the lowdown on Thunderbird wine here.

[griller 9]

 Quote:

look for the pigeon feces and you'll find this old bird.

Class. I never found that one when I was a stude, surprisingly.