hellyer 216 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. PMS jokes aren't funny, period. Link to post Share on other sites
klingon 10 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Does this fit here Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) Irish Medical Dictionary The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously ... Medical Term Irish Definition Artery The study of paintings- Bacteria Back door to cafeteria - Barium What doctors do when patients die - Benign What you be, after you be eight - Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome - Cat scan Searching for Kitty - Cauterize Made eye contact with her - Colic A sheep dog - Coma A punctuation mark - Dilate To live long - Enema Not a friend - Fester Quicker than someone else - Fibula A small lie - Impotent Distinguished, well known - Labour Pain Getting hurt at work - Medical Staff A Doctor's cane - Morbid A higher offer - Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days - Node I knew it - Outpatient A person who has fainted - Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis - Post Operative A letter carrier - Recovery Room Place to do upholstery - Rectum Nearly killed him - Hiding something Secretion - Seizure Roman Emperor - Tablet A small table - Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport - Tumour One plus one more - Urine Opposite of you're out - Edited April 17, 2012 by snowjunky Link to post Share on other sites
big-will 7 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Thanks snowjunky, more please Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 Getting braces : Putting your money where your mouth is . Did you hear about the nuclear scientist who swallowed some uranium ? He got atomic ache . Squirrel's NEST: A Nutcracker Suite. Social Diseases : Germs of endearment . If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey , what would Delaware ? Idaho, Alaska . What's the funniest animal in the world ? A stand-up chameleon . Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 Velcro - what a rip off! Link to post Share on other sites
Chriselle 158 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Now if only I had a photographic type memory I could remember all these and be a hit at the parties I go to.... Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 I find a pornographic memory helps at most parties Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 Does your neck hurt after reading this? Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Yes, but I've braced myself! Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Have a good Chrissy JA Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Yeah, backatya! Off to Japow 27th, so NY will be cool! Link to post Share on other sites
RobBright 35 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 With the news of the recent apocalypse, people were making jokes like there was no tomorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 For the Muso's Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Sag Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 For the Muso's Only just looked at this and notices it. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon ( n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido : All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit ( n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug ( n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, ( n. ) : The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, : (adj.) : Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, ( v.) : To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, ( v.) : To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, ( adj.) : Impotent. 6. Negligent, ( adj.) : Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightie, gown. 7. Lymph, ( v.) : To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, ( n.) : Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, ( n.) : Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, ( n.) : A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, ( n.) : A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, ( n.) : The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, ( n.) : A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, ( n.) : A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, ( n.) : The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, ( n.) : An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts