Do you follow parenting advice?

[RobBright 35]

Stolen from the BBC

 

Quote:

Two announcements about smacking and toddlers' TV habits have put a spotlight on parenting skills and the impact on their children. What makes a good parent?

 

The deputy head of the Council of Europe, Maud de Boer-Buquicchio, said a ban on physical chastisement would improve parenting skills. Smacking is currently allowed for parents in the UK for the purposes of "reasonable" punishment.

 

Meanwhile, a study found that children who watched too much TV as toddlers have a higher possibility of doing badly at school and have poor health at the age of 10. Dr Linda Pagani, who supervised the study, said that parents should "limit the exposure and encourage other one-to-one language-enhancing activities that centre on talk at mealtime, bathtime, shared reading and imaginative play."

 

How can parenting skills be improved? Should parents follow the advice of academics and government agencies? How has parenting changed from generation to generation?

 

Now, speaking not from a parent point of view, well unless someone has had a child with me and not told me about it, smacking, within reason and control i.e. a slap on the rear is much different compared to a punch, which is abuse, is a valid disciplinary measure, not as a first resort.

 

I would never want to smack my child if I do have one in the future, and it would probably make me more upset with myself than the child could comprehend.

 

Some children do not comprehend the explanatory method, or might not be able to understand the situation at hand. I was smacked as a child, and personally I don't feel it did me any wrong, in fact, it may have put me off from doing a lot of stupid, or potentially, dangerous actions.

 

 

[Go Native 70]

It's a bit like those who believe dogs should be trained without any physical violence. They argue that positive reinforcement is a much more effective and of course humane method of training. I would argue it's also a lot more work.

Similarly with kids you can use positive reinforcement and disciplinary measure that do not involve any physical violence. Again I believe it takes more patience and effort than simply giving a kid a smack.

Proponents of a non violent method would probably argue that kids learn from an early age that violence is not the best or only method to resolve confrontations and I suspect that would probably be true.

Obviously my daughter is a little young currently (11 months old) to be considering any sort of corporal punishment but she has already learned 'no' and we constantly use positive reinforcement when she does the right thing.

I was smacked, received the strap and my mum broke a few wooden spoons on me during my youth. I may not have turned out too bad but I think I will try my hardest to not use any sort of violent methods of discipline with my daughter as on the whole I believe it is a lazy way to try and raise kids. I believe non violence is a better way. We shall see...

[HelperElfMissy 42]

oh! Contentious issue!

 

I have not smacked any of my boys in YEARS (youngest is 10), but I have done in the past - and would do again - in appropriate circumstances.

 

Best situation I can recall is when we were staying with my parents and they had a wood heater - like a pot belly stove, but a big square one. HOT - nasty burns if you touched it...you get the idea. Well my lovely toddler wanted to touch the warm thing - over and over he went to it and tried to touch it - it became a game running away from Mummy to get to the big black warm thing with the pretty orange flicker - not realizing the danger he was putting himself in so I took a stand, and if he got close to it I smacked him hard and sharp on the back of his hand and growled "HOT!". Then said "No. This is hot. It is burny. You will hurt your hand if you touch it. Off you go". I think I smacked his little hand about a dozen times that night (he was kinda willful as a child) - but I never once had to take him to hospital with burns. He doesn't remember it, but I can guarantee if he was burnt he would remember it.

 

I think when safety is concerned a disciplinary/directionary slap is a good thing (some kids don't need it - they listen and get it early - but SOME...well they need it). When it is Mum and Dad angry and taking it out on a kid then that just sucks.

 

If Johnny get's a C instead of an A on his test paper he should get a tutor or grounded, but not beaten. If little Suzy backchats Mummy the she should be put on dishes duty, not slapped across the face. But if Mad Max slips his Mum's grip and runs out onto the road, then Mum better give him a slap and strap him into the pram, lest next time a car is coming.

 

My 2c.

[RobBright 35]

Having owned, and still do, a dog, positive reinforcement does work if she is good. Big point being IF.. Likewise, if she is naughty, she gets a tap on the back, just in front of her tail and she quickly knows.

 

 

In some situations, for example trying to explain to a two year old that if they touch something hot, they'll burn themselves, how is the child to understand the explanation?

 

You end up with three choices:

a)Explain to the kid and hope they understand,

let the kid touch the hot item and burn themselves causing a lot of pain and distress

or

c) a sharp tap, not strong, to give them a warning.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Another interesting aspect to this is the kid at the other end of the spectrum... the late teen/early adult.

 

There is a trend for people to ignore bad behavior from teen/adults these days - the same kids that have been raised in an environment where parental ability to discipline as and how is required has been impeded ... they openly behave in a manor that we as teens a generation ago would have never contemplated lest we thought we would be locked up.

 

One incident occurred less than a week ago where a young teen was set upon by a large group of adult teens - and beaten pretty badly. These aggressors were from 'good family's' and had been to good schools .... but clearly had no concept of boundaries.

 

I am not saying you have to hit kids to raise well behaved adults. Not at all. I don't recall ever having had to smack my youngest...ever. But the eldest - well - he required MUCH extra direction. But if those options (talking about a single smack to the back of the hand or the buttocks) are not available to parents it makes the task harder, and in some instances insurmountable.

 

These kids are raised with the 'you can't touch me' attitude. I have actually seen kids from loving family homes, head down to centrelink (govt dept that provides welfare) and claim abuse to get a living away from home allowance to fund them to run away with cash in their pockets because their parent grounded them for being caught with drugs. In my time - no government would have paid me to run away and take drugs, they would have sent me home to Mum and Dad who would have grounded me for 6 months and had me doing chores that entire time until I learnt my lesson that drugs were bad.

[Go Native 70]

I reckon it's best to have a whole range of methods you can use and as MB points out at times a smack may well be the best method to quickly get a message across. Generally though corporal punishment would be a last resort thing for me. The big problems occur I believe with parents who use no other methods besides physical and verbal violence.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Agreed GN.

Corporal Punishment is not to help the parent feel better when they are angry - it is to deter potentially dangerous behavior.

 

I would smack if my child was trying to do something that could kill them or cause them great harm (touching fire, sticking fork into power socket, running onto road - all actual examples of when *I* have smacked one of my own).

 

I would also smack if the child was going to harm someone else.

- eldest put a chain around 3rd son's neck and took him for a 'walk' before he could actually crawl while I was in the shower one morning ... he got smacked for that - as it was a choker chain he was lucky he did not kill his baby brother.

- eldest also got a smack after pushing a friends son into the pool - friends son was wearing a baby float ring - but he landed head down, feet in the air.

- I was sorely tempted to smack my friends son who was squirting a juice box into his newborn sisters face effectively drowning her ... instead I scooped her up and away. That child has never been smacked and as a 17 yr old STILL displays radically unacceptable behavior.

[bobby12 0]

I smack my kids from time to time but only on severe provocation and i try my best to count to five before doing so (that usually ends up in my calmly putting them in the naughty room instead).

 

As someone else said earlier, smacking is OK within reason but its the physical abuse or taking out frustation on the kid thing which is out of line.

[gareth_oau 2]

I have 4 boys, who are now all teenagers.

 

Neither my wife, nor I have ever smacked them.

 

I'm not against smacking, just never felt the need to (and it might hurt my poor hand!!)

 

I'm happy with an appropriate punishment being removal of privileges, like computer or mobile phone access

 

(in really bad instances I will threaten them with brussell sprouts for dinner!! LOL )

 

My parents used to belt the hell out of me with a collection of hands, shoes, belts and even a horse riding crop.

 

fortunately I didnt adopt a similar policy

[Mantas 3]

The trick with smacking kids is knowing when to do it. There were a few times when I got it wrong and smacking was the worst option, but hey, parenting doesn't come with a manuel

I smacked both my kids when they were little, they haven't had one since about age 4-5. I hated myself every time I did it. I hated the fact that all I had left was physical domination over them.

It's personal choice weather to smack or not. Good luck to anyone that can successfully discipline kids without smacking.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Your 4 must be reasonable and workable like my youngest - I reckon if you had Reaper as a toddler you might have smacked him!

 

Protection of children is really really important. There have been a few times over the years that I have called Child Protective Services - based on the beatings kids were enduring due to parents with episodes of rage.

 

What I get frustrated with is law makers removing the ability of parents to actually parent, and then holding us responsible when undisciplined kids run wild. We SHOULD be held responsible, but we should also be able to work with all the tools available to us in raising and educating and directing our kids.

 

Changing tack a bit: what about the emotional side of things. WOW have I seen some horrendous things in this arena. Parents who would tut tut at the parent who uses a well considered smack occasionally, who feel quite justified at turning their nose up at their child who comes in 3rd in a race, chastising them for not putting enough effort into their training! kids pushed for excellence who hate what they are doing... that's gotta leave emotional scars.

[gareth_oau 2]

I feel so sorry for kids whose parents set rediculous standards.

 

i have always encouraged my kids, but never forced them, which sometimes disappoints me inside when one of them doesnt want to be encouraged.

 

My kids are all pretty good, 3 are very reliable, one is a bit of a wildfire, but still honest and good-natured.

 

(everybody tells me he is a clone of me, but i'm not sure where they get that idea from????)

[Go Native 70]

My problem is that I really, really enjoy smacking bottoms. I find it almost impossible to resist smacking them whenever one goes by within reach. I will have to try very hard to resist this with my daughter

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Agreed Gareth.

Recently BFG has decided to get obsessive/dedicated to his sports - and he has been doing so much training I have had to supplement his diet with certain vitamins (as dictated by the doctor based on shitty blood test results) and electrolytes because he has been running himself into the ground. But I NEVER force him to go to training.

 

I can not imagine anyone putting themselves through such a demanding schedule without a personal commitment to the process. And if kids do put themselves through such a regime you would think that parents would tell them how proud they are regardless of win/lose/draw... but you will be shocked at how many don't.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Originally Posted By: Go Native

My problem is that I really, really enjoy smacking bottoms. I find it almost impossible to resist smacking them whenever one goes by within reach. I will have to try very hard to resist this with my daughter

you are a sick puppy GN!

[BagOfCrisps 24]

Are you going to be a parent soon then Rob?

[RobBright 35]

Nope - not that i know of.

[gerard 6]

I'm not particularly against smacking but I can't imagine having to resort to that. Removing the child from the room and telling him that he's in "big trouble" because what he did was "bad" .... or something like that... seems like a dramatic enough and effective punishment for a toddler. Let him work up a good cry for a couple minutes, then tell him it's over, he's not in trouble anymore, but he's not to do it again.

 

As a parent there's something very satisfying about a well-delivered, fair punishment that has the indended effect.

[Tubby Beaver 209]

slap the little barstewards