grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 What men hate about women Never ordering a dessert, then eating mine ‘Ooh no, I’m full. I couldn’t possibly eat any pudding, I’m stuffed,’ she says. Then my treacle pudding arrives. ‘Well, maybe just a spoonful,’ she says, reaching for my cutlery. ‘Mmm, this is nice, I should have got one of my own. . . I’ll just have one more mouthful. . . nom, nom, nom.’ And it’s gone. Snarfed down like a dog swallowing a puddle. Failing to grasp that she moults ‘The shower plughole is blocked again!’ she cries out from the bathroom. So again you go upstairs and pull off the plug-guard, reach into the slimy hole and pull out the hair trap which is blocked with a serious fistful of long blonde hair, all slimy and yukky with whatever’s been flowing through it the last couple of weeks. ‘That’s not necessarily mine!’ she says as you hold the cloggy straggle up to show its comfortable 18in length against your dark brown short back and sides. So you show her how the hair trap works, in case she blocks it again next time she’s combing conditioner through her barnet in the shower. But all the same, a few weeks later, you’re quietly reading the paper when the despairing cry comes: ‘The shower’s blocked agaaaaiiin. . .’ Never packing enough books, or even any books, for a holiday She’ll make a huge fuss about capsule wardrobes and having the right thing to wear in the event of an impromptu drinks party on the beach at six in the evening, while at the same time planning for the possibility that it might turn into dinner and she doesn’t want to be caught in the same wrap she wore the night before. But she won’t pack a book. Just a couple of magazines for the plane, which she leafs through in four minutes, tutting at every page. Then she grabs the fat thriller you’ve been looking forward to reading for months, hogs it for a week, then leaves it on a boat when she’s finished and says: ‘It was rubbish anyway.’ Refusing to offer an opinion when asked for one Which is so very different from not having an opinion. So if we’re thinking of going out for dinner, for example, and you say: ‘What do you fancy, Chinese? Italian? A nice bit of sushi?’ She’ll say: ‘I don’t mind, whatever you feel like’ And you say: ‘No, this is my treat, tell me the meal you most want in the world and I’ll sort it.’ And she says: ‘I’m just not fussy, darling, make it a surprise.’ So then you book an Italian restaurant, and she’s sitting there poking at a bowl of spaghetti and looking like all fury, and you say: ‘What’s up dear?’ And she says, ‘You know perfectly well that I HATE Italian food.’ Constantly saying, ‘The thing that women find most attractive in a man is a sense of humour’ Which just isn’t true. What women find attractive is tall, handsome, rich and, er, rich. That is what women find attractive. And that is all. If it were true that what women find most attractive is a man with a sense of humour then I would have had a lot more success with girls than I have. And Woody Allen would not have had to marry his own adopted daughter. Always leaving some awful pop music station on top volume in the car when she was the last one to drive it So that when you get in on a cold morning to go to work, and switch the radio on expecting to hear the mellifluous mutterings of the Today programme, it instead blasts into shrieking life with some frightful oik bellowing rage into a voice-distorter over the sound of a huge drum kit being kicked down a hill by donkeys. Your day simply doesn’t recover. Making a huge fuss about how important it is that women players get the same Wimbledon prize money as male players But then, when the tournament starts, she’s only interested in watching the men, because they’re sexy and the tennis is exciting, and doesn’t watch even a second of the ladies, because it’s boring and they grunt too much. Giving up in the middle of every game Chess or cribbage or tennis or croquet or absolutely anything — it happens the moment they go slightly behind and no longer look like winning. Cue throwing down of cards/racket/mallet and shouting: ‘I don’t know why you have to be so competitive!’ Thinking animals have feelings, and thus feeling bad for not treating them like humans ‘I feel so sorry for that puppy, it looked so sad, it really wanted us to take it home.’ No, it’s a dog. It does not feel sadness. It feels only hunger and the need to foul the pavement outside my house. It does not feel sad, or rejected, or worthless or unwanted. And the same is true of chickens, so do not come into the kitchen when I am up to my elbow in one, filling it with onions and garlic and say: ‘Oh, the poor thing.’ Never being satisfied with a hotel room When you arrive at your hotel after a long journey and flop yourself down on the bed, she’ll stand in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips and say: ‘Well, this just won’t do, it’s supposed to have a view!’ Then insist on seeing every single other room in the hotel, checking the view, testing the bounce on the bed, examining the bathroom, having you move all the luggage to six different rooms, before actually deciding that the first room was fine, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 What women hate about men Disparaging comments about our TV habits OK, so nobody ever claimed that the Sky Living channel was great art, but is a televisual diet of America’s Next Top Model and repeats of Grey’s Anatomy really so much worse than watching endless sports programmes? Yes, it’s true that all reality talent shows are almost identical but it could also be argued that a nil-all result in the Premiership doesn’t exactly rival Shakespeare for drama. And while we’re at it, why is your viewing worthy of a ‘home cinema’? Women believe that the size of your TV is in inverse proportion to the size of your brain, while their men seem to think that some other screen-size/body part correlation is going on and so opt for the full-on Odeon surround-sound experience. You vote for the 32in screen, he for the 42in. You end up ‘compromising’ with a 50in version that dominates the living room like a Damien Hirst pickled animal. The surprisingly wiry ‘wireless’ home One mobile phone, one charger — it’s all you need. But no, he has wires crawling round the house like vines. Then are the drawers full of old cables that look like nests of vipers. Some of them are for his first Nokia, bought circa 1995. These phone, camera and computer chargers have joined old keys as things we can no longer throw away for fear that the moment we do so, we’ll discover a need to use them. And speaking of phones, why is he always there, with the iPhone or BlackBerry surgically attached to his hand, constantly tapping the screen with the excuse that ‘something important from work’ might have just landed in the inbox. Selective greenness We all try to do our bit for the environment, but there seems to be some disagreement about what ‘bits’ to do. Yes, he’s right that cut flowers flown from Kenya are an eco-disgrace — but they are rather lovely. And yes, clothes can be air-dried, but it’s just so much more convenient — and they feel nicer — if you use the tumble dryer. If we’re going to be green, can this righteousness be extended to his habit of switching Radio 5 Live on but not being able to locate the off-button? And accelerating as he approaches traffic lights? Leaving pans ‘to soak’ Washing up means doing everything — including saucepans. But he always leaves them on the side, or marginally better, he puts some tepid water in them ‘to soak’, thus divesting him of all responsibility of actually dealing with the burnt-on food that’s clinging to them like Araldite. Culinary grandstanding Guests coo over his fancy ways with a flavoured oil, but the boring rehashing, reheating and pureeing always gets left to me. Those two uber-blokes, John Torode and Gregg Wallace off TV’s MasterChef, love to shout things like: ‘Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this!’ Really? What about the relentless grind of breakfast-lunch-supper for picky pre-teens then? Stacks of coins everywhere Well done, chaps, you still out-earn women. But do you have to be so literal about leaving displays of wealth around the house? There’s a stack of money on the chest of drawers and a hillock of tuppenny bits next to the unpaid bills on the sideboard. Oh look, here’s some of those tiny five-pence pieces scattered like confetti across the floor. We know it’s because you need to empty your pockets of it since you don’t carry a purse, but perhaps it’s time to tidy up and get a man-bag. Saying we’ve run out of something. . . after it’s actually run out ‘We’re out of cornflakes/sugar/bread’ said in an offensively accusatory way, as he empties the last of it onto his plate. Always with the subtitle running below it of: ‘Can you go out and buy it, I’m far too busy.’ This is closely allied to the habit of putting empty food receptacles back into the cupboard or fridge, especially milk bottles. (But then, contrarily, always leaving full milk bottles out of the fridge so that the contents curdle.) Wet towels Doesn’t he ever realise that if he stood on the mat after a shower then the bathroom floor wouldn’t be permanently pockmarked with puddles? But then these provide useful watering holes for the towels to marinate in when he doesn’t hang them back on the rail. Actually that’s not fair, he doesn’t always leave the towels on the floor, sometimes he leaves them on the bed. Or, after swimming, to mould and fester in the plastic bag that he’s used to carry his kit in. The pile of stuff at the bottom of the stairs Or the top. Or the middle. Even those who live in flats without stairs seem to have a problem with these piles. Those shoes, books and clothes, those empty wine glasses and old magazines, those toys and towels — they’re not there for decorative reasons. It’s like a conveyor belt for possessions, you see, except that like with all his irritating habits, there’s always someone else to sort out the pile for him. Link to post Share on other sites
grungy-gonads 54 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Nonsense 'article' in the daily scum (or, mail) (reprinted without any permission) but a few interesting points. Well, a bit. But a good subject anyway. I'm good at some of those in the second list. Any more? Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Refusing to offer an opinion when asked for one Guilty! Constantly saying, ‘The thing that women find most attractive in a man is a sense of humour’ I don't do this, but I do find a man doing dishes laundry and vacuuming a total turn on! LOL! Always leaving some awful pop music station on top volume in the car when she was the last one to drive it Guilty, but I hasten to add - it IS MY CAR! As for the men in my house.... Disparaging comments about our TV habits The surprisingly wiry ‘wireless’ home Leaving pans ‘to soak’ OMG! why?!! Stacks of coins everywhere literally took $700 in baggies to the bank last year! Saying we’ve run out of something. . . after it’s actually run outOr not telling anyone at all! Wet towels Bazinga! Link to post Share on other sites
pie-eater 207 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Stacks of coins everywhere I'm hopeless with coins. Every day they get put in a big tin and once or twice a year I go to the bank with the tin and get it changed. Last time I ended up with about 75,000 yen + some UK coins + some pieces of unidentified plastic! Link to post Share on other sites
rach 1 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Wet towels Bazinga! Link to post Share on other sites
Tubby Beaver 209 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Originally Posted By: pie-eater Stacks of coins everywhere I'm hopeless with coins. Every day they get put in a big tin and once or twice a year I go to the bank with the tin and get it changed. Last time I ended up with about 75,000 yen + some UK coins + some pieces of unidentified plastic! I'm exactly the same, Pie. Drives my girlfriend up the wall Link to post Share on other sites
Mantas 3 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Constantly saying, ‘The thing that women find most attractive in a man is a sense of humour’ Yep, so long as they are funny in a George Clooney kind of way. Link to post Share on other sites
2pints-mate 0 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 It's great when you pile up the coins and it ends up being a big chunk when added up. Link to post Share on other sites
Mintyjulep 0 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 His mother The wonderful Mr Minty would be faultless if his mother hadn't cleaned up everything after him (and his brother and father!!) for his entire life - he neglects dishes, washing, vaccuming, cleaning the toilet, gardening. Our possible future male children will be taught to do everything from a very early age - their mother is a feminist! Link to post Share on other sites
Tubby Beaver 209 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 yeah......sure they will! Link to post Share on other sites
Mintyjulep 0 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Originally Posted By: Tubby Beaver yeah......sure they will! I do hope so. Potential problem here being that I'm actually very messy myself. Link to post Share on other sites
HelperElfMissy 42 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Good luck Minty. I am also someone that finds things other than housework much more attractive. And I have desperately tried to train my minions - with no success. I shall be spending today cleaning (after I have another coffee and check the forums one more time ) Link to post Share on other sites
Go Native 70 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 We're both hopeless at cleaning. That's why we get a cleaner in once a week! Link to post Share on other sites
Tubby Beaver 209 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 when you think about it Minty, it's you women who are the root of this problem, after all a man's mother is also a woman!! Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hey, tubby, stop being logical! That's the major problem with any argument with the "weaker" gender - logic will NEVER com into it. By the way, gender is what you are, sex is what you do - cannot get over official forms that ask for your "sex" when they mean gender. Link to post Share on other sites
BagOfCrisps 24 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Can't get over it? Sounds like a slight over-reaction there! Link to post Share on other sites
Mintyjulep 0 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Originally Posted By: BagOfCrisps Can't get over it? Sounds like a slight over-reaction there! Overwhelmed by logic, zomg Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts