This wasn't planned....

[guzzlers-baps 0]

...but I am pregnant.

 

Totally unexpected and actually not something we were planning (guzzler and I have been careful, obviously not careful enough) and we even spoke recently of not wanting kids right now for at least another few years if at all, so it is a big shock.

 

I have very mixed and contrasting emotions right now.

 

Anyone else been here?

[me jane 0]

Been there as in been pregnant in Japan but it was planned so can't say much about the confusing emotions/shock thing. Then again it was still pretty confusing with all the raging hormones and everything else. I'm in Yokohama so PM me if you need any info you don't want to post here or want to meet up for a chat. I'm full of useful(?) information about giving birth in Japan and I know a few new mums around Tokyo too. Going away for the weekend but I'll be back on Tuesday.

All the best to you both.

[bobby12 0]

Our first was planned but the second was unexpected. My wife got pregnant in those twilight months after giving birth where theres no periods. So our second came quite fast.

 

All I can say is you adapt, whether you are 17 or you have 7 kids or whatever, you get used to it and it works out.

[guzzlers-baps 0]

Thank you.

 

Problem is we both really don't want a child or at least now and that is what is mixing up the emotions so much right now. Lots of conflicting thoughts going on.

[Rag-Doll 0]

guzzlers-baps being pregnant came as a bit of a surprise to me too. For some reason I've always thought GB was a bloke! I obviously haven't been paying enough attention. Oh, and congratulations.

[bobby12 0]

If you wait to be ready for a baby you will probably never have one.

[soubriquet 0]

Babies are fantastic. Some doors close, but they bring an entire new dimension to life.

[thursday 1]

I didn't really want to comment as I don't know what your social economic cultural ski or board, Niseko or otherwise background is.

 

For us, the baby is the best thing we have in our marriage, and I cannot imagine life without him now.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[guzzlers-baps 0]

Thank you for the comments again.

 

I hear often from people who have children how it changes your life, and of course it surely does.

People who have kids will surely not imagine life without them and they are the light in their lives, etc, etc.

 

However, we were verging more towards not wanting them than wanting them.

We both don't (didn't!) want kids just for the sake of having them when we don't really want them. That's the wrong thing to do.

I must admit to not actually generally liking babies and children (again something that would surely change with my own), never have.

 

Anyway we have a lot of thinking to do!

[guzzlers-baps 0]

Oh by the way...

 

 

and

 

[HelperElfMissy 42]

GB I have been there. But not with my first.

 

We struggled to get PG with the first, it was the 2nd, 3rd and 4th that came out of left field! The 4th being the DOOZIE...that one had me floored. I was back at Uni, getting some me time, we had both decided 3 sons was just right and they were a handful. I was finally losing the baby weight and walking tall - and WHAM - preggers. We could not work out how, when etc and puzzled over that until he was born 3 weeks early with signs of being overcooked...ahhhhh! THAT was when he was concieved (a month out in calculations).

 

This 4th child has been amazing, and I would not have changed things despite the 3 weeks I cried for when I first found out.

 

On the other hand my SIL had a surprise pregnancy when I was 6 months pregnant with my first. She is now a mother of 4, but she chose to terminate that surprise pregnancy. She still has a tear every time my son has a birthday, wondering what her potential child would be like had she not chosen that path.

 

Others may have different stories of how things worked for them, but my opinion is that is does not matter one little bit how much a child was wanted when it was concieved - what is important is how much it is loved when it is born.

 

Good luck (and congratulations).

[thursday 1]

Mrs. Baps,

 

This is a thing for you and yours. The only thing we can do is recount our experiences and feelings when pregnancy happened to us.

 

Nothing should be said or be construed to have been said here that should disuade you here or there. That is up to you.

 

Good luck and bon voyage

[sunrise 0]

Reading what you've written, I'd like to point out if it's not too late you can always abort if you decide you don't want it. Of course that's another decision in itself, but I personally believe there are definitely situations when that's a better idea. (not that I've ever had a baby or an abortion myself).

[HelperElfMissy 42]

hmmm...re-reading the posts...I sound very pro-pregnancy, and I did write it before GB's response indicating this was not what she wanted....but I would like to talk more here...

 

Termination is indeed an option, and it is a very viable option for many people (as the abortion rates indicate). It is not a choice I would make, but I have had my time to make those choices. This is the time for Guzzler and Guzzler-Baps to make thier own decisions.

 

However, those of us who have lived, experienced and had the benefit of learning on that path can offer our experiences to them to help them in thier deliberations. Only GB and G know for sure if they can handle this bump in the road or not.

 

As Bobby has said - if you wait until you are ready for kids, you will likley not have them...it is a rare person who is ready for it!

 

More children come into this world on thier own timetable in a disruptive style, than do following Mum and Dad's plan. Almost all prospective parents freak out when they get unexpected news of a new baby on the way. Many of us wondered how we would afford the child, but we found a way. Some of us cried because we had not idea how we would cope, and were angry that our plans were being changed.

 

Having said that - by the time the baby is born - you have had 9 months to get used to the idea and make a new 5yr plan.

 

BUT more and more people are choosing not to have children at all.

 

From those of us who have faced the dilemma - ((Hugs)).

Whatever you decide needs to be the best decision for you.

Think it through carefully and work out what you are going to do.

Once the decision is made - don't torture yourself.

If you decide to keep the baby - enjoy it, and revel in parenthood.

If you decide the time is not right - let it go, and look forward.

 

Good luck - I wish you well.

[soubriquet 0]

I second that, Mamabear. It's your (& partners) choice alone. Make your choice and be strong.

 

Babies are beautiful and change life's dimensions. I respect those who choose not to travel that path.

[guzzlers-baps 0]

Thanks folks, I understand it is of course entirely our decision and difficult for someone else to comment but I appreciate it. It's a rather emotional time.

 

We're probably in that group of people who don't particularly want children. Thats why this news is the bombshell it is.

 

We're giving it all a lot of thought right now and I'll fill in some more details later on.

 

Thank you!

[NoFakie 45]

Are you two married or otherwise in an established commitment? It must be hard if that issue is being raised as well out of the blue.

 

The handle suggests you're British, and if you are, at least its getting easier to go home now that house prices are falling. Especially if you're not on an expat package. We've got a nice setup in Japan, but we'd be very low on the UK housing ladder. Depressingly so, in fact.

 

As a general point to everyone, I know three couples who delayed having kids until after 35 and then couldn't have them because of gynacological problems. Maybe they've couldn't have had them earlier, but their chances would have been higher. Even if you don't want kids, don't skip the smear tests. Its easily done when you're overseas.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Mr Wiggles,

 

That is a very interesting point you raised.

I have also found many people of my age group who are now desperately struggling with IVF, Hormone Treatments etc etc - it has taken over thier lives...mainly because they left it SO late to decide to have kids. I am 40 next March, and I reckon only about 50% of the girls I went to school with are mothers. That seems amazing to me...but a huge proportion of the 50% who have not got kids are spending thousands trying to get them! That clock ticks pretty loud as the 40th birthday approacheth!

 

My first child was born when I was 22, and even at the time I had people tut-tuting, and telling me we should wait until we were more 'established'. And while I respect people for waiting, I would never discourage someone from having kids young as I have had the energy to deal with them, now that we have teens we are not such old fogies that we can't hit the snow with them, and as far as financed have been concerned we knew we HAD to earn to support them so we just went out and made sure we did it! Having kids turned hubby and I from drifting young adults without too much purpose, into industrious adults working to 5yr and 10yr plans... it has been good.

 

GB, there are so many factors to consider. Either way you decide - don't let your decision be ruled by fear. Whatever you decide you are strong enough to handle it.

[bobby12 0]

Mamabear - agree with you on that. You will never be ready for kids as I said. I had my first at 28, at that point I had done everything I wanted in terms of partying and travelling and the timing was good for me. Maybe other people love partying so much they want to do it until 35 but that wasn't my mind set and I started the next phase of my life instead of clinging to my teenage/uni years.

[journey_man 0]

Well, I'm still at the partying way after I should be, but then the chick I was spending the rest of my life with and I didn't get past year 12, so I went back to my uni ways. Oh, I became a part time ski bum too. Life goes on and I look forwards.

 

The one thing that is clear is that if I ever manage to have kids (need another woman first!) I'm going to be one seriously old dad. I can see energy levels being an issue. I would say if you have half a mind to have kids, go for it! I've seen friends do IVF etc and it's a shocker.

[me jane 0]

I agree with what people have said above as it is really something that you must decide by yourselves. There are no right or wrong decisions and you shouldn't let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

 

Was thinking about the part you wrote about how kids changes your life and wanted to add something. Everyone said that to me too and I understood that I might not be able to party all night or go trekking in the Himalayas for a few weeks but what I didn't expect was the emotional change.

 

For me I think the change has been so much more emotional than lifestyle. I can still do everything that I want to do as I can always get a babysitter. The thing is, I'm not really interested in half those things anymore as I'd rather spend the time with Mini Me Tarzan. Most of the time I'd rather hike the low mountains with MMT in a backpack and even if I have a babysitter I don't get slaughtered as I'm always aware that if something happens, I want to be able to get to him (and be coherent).

 

It's also changed me in that I now see every child as having a mother and when I see children in bad situations I get much more upset by it, imagining how I would feel if that child were MMT. This could be something major like seeing China earthquake victims or something minor like seeing children in a Swedish girl (at the international school where I was on teaching prac last month) in tears because she really wanted to do well in her project but didn't yet have the language skills.

 

I don't think these are bad or good changes or that everyone needs to experience them. I just wanted to say that I am a different person in many ways and I think that mothers and non-mothers generally see the world differently. Knowing all this beforehand wouldn't have changed my decision but it is the kind of thing that mothers don't seem to tell non-mothers so I though a bit more info might help you in your desicion. What I mean is, your lifestyle changes, but so does your way of thinking, so nature ensures that you don't regret your decision. I don't really know if the same thing happens to guys, from what Me Tarzan says, I think it does but not to the same extreme perhaps as he still rolls in hammered at night!

 

(There is also the physical change with the stretch marks and my weight seemingly stuck 5kgs above what it was )

[soubriquet 0]

I fully agree with you MJ. The emotional change happens to men too. The day No1 was born, I felt as if I had passed, like Alice, through the looking glass. The world became a different place, and there was no going back. And yes, when I see people being indifferent or cruel to children it makes me very upset.

[guzzlers-baps 0]

Thanks me jane, I appreciate you writing these things.

 

I (try to) undertand that (as much as I can not being a mother).

I too would be very upset to see someone being cruel to children without a doubt.

I don't think I need to have children to have those feelings.

 

Those things though still do not make me/us want to have our own children and I really can't see that changing.

[rach 1]

I don't have any children guzzlers-baps and would not like to be put in your position either. I'm not sure how I would deal with it.

 

It sounds like we have similar feelings. I'm not really feeling like having children and while that may well change one day, I can't see it, and I'm certainly not going to have children just because I can when I don't really want.

 

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

[journey_man 0]

This is a story about one friend of mine, so in the scheme of things means little. I'm recounting it because it's a feel good story and it supports MJ's comments about the emotional change:

 

I have a friend who turned 40 a few years ago then got pregnant. Her story is that she and her husband decided that it was now or never, so they tried for a baby. It turns out that privately she was ambivalent about the idea but figured it was way passed time and it would never happen. You can imagine her surprise that after only 7 weeks of trying, she fell (why fell???) pregnant.

 

So she was quite scared throughout the pregnancy and even for the first few months of the baby's life she was very unsure and scared about what she'd got herself into. That was then. The baby is now over 12 months old and my friend has declined to go back to her high powered job. She says the successful, driven career girl is gone and a more fulfilled being, a mother, has taken its place. She is stunned about her apparent about face. All her friends were quietly worried early on, but now are really happy for her.