parenting in Japan

[bobby12 0]

Im sure this topic has been discussed before but I couldnt find a thread for it with search.

 

Are there any websites out there for gaijin parents in Japan?

 

The main problem I have is this:

 

Mummy wants to send the little one to International School, but Daddy says that 2million yen a year in fees, plus all the extras, is impossible and is happy for the boy to go to a normal school in a nice area. Mommy remains adamant he is going to an international school even if we have to live on cup noodles.

 

I'd like to hear from other parents how they have dealt with this - ie put the kid in a normal Japanese school or not.

[me jane 0]

There's this one . There is a lot of info on it but the forums are a bit of a pain to use. Also most of the people on there are on foreign hire packages, have maids, shop at Azabu national supermarket and have companies who pay their rent and school fees.

 

Does Mummy have a job to contribute to the school fees?

[bobby12 0]

Nope, she is busy busting out babies. Maybe in 3 yrs she might get a job, but I cant see us earning enough to afford 5 million yen a year on school fees. Even if we could afford it, it would mean trading a great lifestyle for a paupers one, just to line the pockets of these crazy priced schools.

[misorano 1]

Is mummy Japanese?

[bobby12 0]

Yep, I think thats why she doesnt want the kids going to a Japanese school - she hated it. I worked in a publich high school for three years and thought it was actually quite good, much better than my school in the UK which was a decent one in London.

[indosnm 0]

My response to mummy would be to "get a job" then she can have it!

[me jane 0]

mine too, Indo!

[Ocean11 0]

Just as there is no such place as 'international', International Schools turn out kids who don't fit in anywhere. Whereas kids who are grounded in a culture can comfortably go and get involved with other real cultures if they want to.

 

I know foreigners here who go to great lengths to 'get their kids out of typical Japanese education' based on an entirely false perception of what typical Japanese education is actually like these days. My son really enjoys a lot of school stuff.

 

If your wife wants an impact on the school your kids go to, she should join the PTA and come up with some improvements. That's more a positive approach than opting out by paying lots of money for a 'special' education.

[fjef 0]

Both our kids have been very happy in Japanese schools - even happier since we moved away from Tokyo. We have friends that have put their kids in international schools and think we are doing our kids a disservice.

 

My kids have Japanese and Canadian passports - our thinking was that they should be as exposed and immersed in both cultures as possible - international schools would remove them from Japanese culture and put them in a transient 'rich' kid environment. It would also be harder for them to make friends in the neighbourhood as so many Japanese activities are centered around the school and community.

 

What we have also done is made sure they travel to Canada as much as possible - expensive - but not as expensive as international school and they get the language and cultural exposure they need every summer and/or at Christmas. This has been far more valuable to us and them than any International school experience.

 

My wife is very involved in the PTA and (unfortunately) I have to make appearances at ceremonies etc (not too many other dads are ever there) but it helps us blend into the community we chose to live in.

 

The good news is that both of our kids are completely bilingual - most of the families we know that have gone the international school route have had language (one or the other or both) or family communication problems that we have not had.

 

But every situation is different - it may not be what you need to do for your kids. We feel really lucky that we have avoided so many of the problems that we hear about - and we avoided them mostly by not taking other people's advice!

[indosnm 0]

Totally agree with you Fjef.

I don't really think Primary School here is that bad.

It's jnr. High & Snr. High that I wouldn't put my kids in.

I want my kids to enjoy their childhoods and to be free after school without the pressures of having to go to Juku etc.

Doesn't matter anyway as we'll be putting the kids in primary school in OZ.

[NoFakie 45]

Bobs

 

A mate's daughter went to int'l school for two years on a scholarship, so that's one option. Ask at the ones near you.

 

What didn't your missus like about school? Too difficult? Too easy? Nasty teacher? Bullying? Was it something that is systematic? How does she think int'l school would be different?

 

The main thing that bothers me about Japanese school is those heavily regimented club activities that have older kids in school until yon time every night and then back in every single day during the holidays. If its a tennis club and your kid is a first year, they'll miss dinner every night just so they can be ballboys for sempai. It does vary from school to school, but a lot of them are simply way over the top on the commitment expected. As for lessons, Japanese kids don't learn much about real life, but the same goes for schools anywhere else. Ticking boxes about a skewed reading of history or writing essays about a skewed reading of history, there's really not that much difference.

 

I seem to remember a grown-up half telling me once that halves were second-class citizens at int'l school compared to whiteys. Thats probably not the case everywhere, but something for your missus to think about. Certainly, the chances of your kid making friends who then get taken off with their parents somewhere else are pretty high. As are the chances of your kid making friends with someone who's folks are on a big expat package who may look down on those of more humble means. Do you want your kid to be the only one without an Apple iFancyPants at six years old?

[indosnm 0]

Wiggs,

Valid points with the clubs. Too much expected and the whole sempai/kohai crap over the top. One of my students is a 1st year Jnr. High school student and in the baseball team, was booked into go on our homestay to Oz at Xmas. If he does go (and not to training) He'll be bullied by the other kids. They even get bullied if they get new shoes.. and no one does anything about it. If I had been bullied (That's IF!) My old man wouldn't have a bar of it..

 

"As are the chances of your kid making friends with someone who's folks are on a big expat package who may look down on those of more humble means. Do you want your kid to be the only one without an Apple iFancyPants at six years old?"

 

You're never going to be able to protect your kid from this, even in public school there will be kids who are better off that you might be so it's more a thing for the parent to teach their kids that they don't have to have everything that everyone else has.

[fjef 0]

My oldest is 14 and we were quite concerned about jr high school but most of our worries turned out not to be problems at all. There have been a couple of occasions where my wife and I have suggested to the teacher/principal that the school was making decisions and rules (after school club stuff) for our son that we felt were decisions the parents should make.

 

We had no problems discussing this with the school and the school had no problem accommodating our requests and in one recent case even relaxing their rules for all of the students. We have found the schools to be quite receptive - most parents don't provide schools with much in the way of feedback.

 

We are also lucky that both our kids are popular and have not had to deal with much bullying. There are occasions when they get called 'Americajin' etc but they have learned to handle it as they will have to deal with it as long as they live in Japan. Both kids (9 and 14) can handle it.

 

When I was a kid I got teased for having to wear white socks (I had some skin irritation for a while and the doctor thought it might have been an allergy related to the dye in socks). I think I had a much harder time dealing with that then my kids have had going to Japanese schools.

 

I would suggest that both you and your wife spend a little time talking to the school and meeting the teachers and making them understand that you want to know if there are any problems. I am sure communicating with the school has helped us prevent problems that might have happened if we weren't paying attention.

[Davo 1]

Good advice everyone. I was always open to the idea of just sending my girl to public elementary school but my wife was dead against it. What you've said Bobby 12 is exactly what I heard. Must be the bad memories of JHS/HS.

 

Based on my cursory research International schools are OTT expensive, and I was never into the "bubble environment" idea anyway. As fjef says it's better to spend on trips home-that way they can escape the summer club thing too.

 

We'll still be here when the first one is ready for school and I'm not worried about it at all. My wife has come around to the idea which is great.

[giggsy 0]

Don't shout, I know almost nothing about the Japanese schools apart from the "image" that we have of them here.... which is of producing kids great at maths and getting high scores. Is that totally incorrect/outdated/just a small part of the real picture.

[soubriquet 0]

I know little too, other than my students seem to work fairly co-operatively.

 

I do remember being thrashed with sticks and canes at school for no particular reason, other than annoying authority. Being hit on the head with a cricket bat by my PE teacher is a stand out.

 

The only serious buulying I've come across in 53 years is adults beating up children.

[bobby12 0]

Thanks for the advice I will put these points to the missus tommorow and see how it goes.

[me jane 0]

Lots of good advice there. Few points I hadn't thought about. Me Tarzan is pretty against Japanese junior & senior high schools though. He thinks that they drain the ability to question things and to think for oneself out of the kids.

 

What do you think Fjef, Ocean?

Fjef, has your oldest changed in any negative way since starting JHS?

[bobby12 0]

I really cant imagine my kids having the whole japanese mindset thing, even if they do go to a japanese school. they will be heavily influenced by home life and visits to the UK.

[badmigraine 0]

A Japanese guy at my company spent 5 years in a decent American public jr. high and high school.

 

What did it do to him? He got fluent, American-accented English out of it. He is more abrupt, direct and logic/action minded than most of his Japanese co-workers. He might have been like this even without America, but he attributes it to his time in NY.

 

When he returned to Japan a couple years before high school graduation, he found himself basically crushed by the other kids and the 5 years of missed school workload and juku cramming. He'd tried to keep up with weekend J school classes in NY, but there is just so much you are supposed to do here to be on track for the Japanese university entrance exams.

 

He was also bullied for being different, and for speaking properly accented English in English classes. Even his teacher was humiliated and angered by his good English. So my friend immediately started pronouncing his English in the Japanese way at school, to avoid further abuse and make the others happy.

 

He pointed out that things are changing fast here, and more and more kids are going to opt out of the course that leads through jukus to Japanese universities. This means that foreign kids or dual-national kids will not be in such a minority if they decide to head home after classes end, instead of hitting the juku.

 

It's also a bit much to expect to have perfectly bilingual kids who can read and write 100% natively in both languages. Ocean covered this in another thread a few years ago.

 

It's probably better to pick on place and stick with it for awhile. If you/your kids are looking at getting into a "good" university, then you can make it easier on everyone by having the kid be in the same country as the university for all of jr. high and high school. It's pretty daunting to shift in the middle, because then you are off track for the SAT or national univ. entrance exam or whatever it is in your country.

 

If your kids are of "mixed race" parentage, unless you live in Hawaii or certain parts of California, it's quite possible that they could get bullied just as badly in the US, by one or another group. I was abused in elementary school in Michigan because I had an English accent.

[fjef 0]

Mejane - As long as the kids are happy and doing well in school we are not concerned. My older kid is pretty serious about soccer and is looking at high schools known for their soccer programs. The good ones have very good academic programs. He knows he needs good grades as well as good skills on the field to get into these schools.

 

He has met and talked with kids his age who are in international schools and he has decided to stay in the Japanese system. He has also recently told us that he is looking forward to university in Canada.

 

I think if you expect problems based on other people's experiences, you'll probably find them. With our kids, we decided to deal with problems as they surfaced - many of the ones we were worried about never did.

[IIIII 2]

I'd very happily send my kids to Japanese elementary school. The kids there seem to actually enjoy it on the whole and it seems to be junior high when they start getting their character drained from them.

[cheeseman 1]

We want our cheeseboy and soon to be new addition to grow up as balanced as possible (of course) and I am happy for them to be at a normal school here especially in the younger years. We probably won't be here by the time talk of JHS is needed.

[Davo 1]

I was talking to a Canadian guy who teaches at an international school last night. He said that the half kids are ostricised by the, mainly Japanese but also Korean, kids who make up the roll. His take was that the Koreans are tacitly more accepted because they're Asian, but that the halves are Western in appearance. I don't think so many expat kids as such go to that school.

 

As far as I'm concerned my girl is Japanese. It's not like I can turn her into a little New Zealander while we're living here.

[fjef 0]

There are a lot of International schools - some of the newer ones cater to a lower income group and some even charge based on parent's income/ability to pay. The well established ones are still very expensive and cater to the expat crowd. We have had many of them visit here for summer camps and there is a huge difference in the way they teach. International schools are not all the same. If you decide to go that route - shop carefully!