IIIII 2 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Friend just sent me this, some of it is quite funny: What critis say What they mean =============================== Theatre Genuinely popular Coach parties only The play reaches a shattering climax The rest of it's like watching a tap drip The supporting players shine The leads were planks A commanding performance This actor had a very loud voice A subtle portrayal This actor was practically inaudible Kill for a ticket Because 30 years in prison would be a better use of your time Spare, economical designs Looks like it cost about a tenner Epic I thought it would never end Mature Way too old to be playing a sex god Muscular Written by a man This play is young and raw This play is written by someone whose sole experience of drama is watching EastEnders Desperately moving Made me think about my own sad little life Cutting-edge I hated it, but don't want to sound like a fuddy-duddy Crepuscular lighting I couldn't see a thing A welcoming venue The ladies' loo actually flushes Dense, intelligent and deeply witty Laugh knowingly even if you don't understand a word A devised play A total mess Domestic drama Doesn't mention Iraq or the state of the NHS Concise Too short Dreamlike I fell asleep Had me on the edge of my seat So eager was I to vacate it Seasoned and mature Oh God - not him again Exuberantly physical Why can't they learn how to talk? Rigorously textual Why can't they learn how to move? Avoids fashionable gestures Completely out of touch Jazz This album was slow to reveal its treasures I wasn't listening properly A dependable rhythm section gave the saxophonist selfless support It was tough staying awake during the bass and drum solos Maybe this artist has arrived a little early Maybe this artist shouldn't have arrived at all They whipped the crowd into a frenzy Ten people clapped A mine of fascinating jazz materials, but a little editing wouldn't have hurt the second set In the second set, I lost the will to live The musicians looked beside themselves at the privilege of being in each other's company What a bunch of self-congratulatory posers The reaction of an appreciative audience was out of all proportion to its size Nobody was there except the musicians' mates An extremely challenging new work People were drifting off to the bar within 10 minutes Visual art Video installation A cinema without seats and a film without a plot Relevant Fashionable Shunning the merely fashionable Completely irrelevant Emerging artist Fresh meat Post-conceptualist An artist who had an idea once, but wore it out Rigorous, body-based practice This artist has threatened me with violence Relational aesthetics Forget the art, let's talk about me Institutional critique Dissing the sponsor Pop The atmosphere was phenomenal I was plastered The mood in the crowd was subdued I was sober The band look fantastic The band sound awful You really have to see them live Don't, under any circumstances, listen to their records Epic A pop song with a string section The singer is excitable The singer is on drugs They're the new Libertines The guitarist is on drugs The band are famous for the creative spark between the singer and the guitarist The singer and the guitarist hate each other They are experimenting in uncharted territory They are a mess DJ Shadow is a master of the mash-up Let's put a flashy name to throwing together bits of other people's songs With his new band, the Good, the Bad and the Queen, Damon Albarn has once again shown his maverick spirit Damon Albarn is rich enough not to care if it sells Robbie Williams is still pop's greatest showman Robbie Williams would pull rabbits out of hats if it got him attention A singer-songwriter in the mould of James Blunt I want to die With their own personal Bez I'm assuming the monkey on stage is with the band Cruelly underrated Despite me banging on about them for years Like X meets Y en route to Z They haven't got one original idea Cryptic Even the songwriter can't understand the lyrics Controversial Obnoxious Troubled Drug-addicted Ambitious I feel guilty about disliking them Bookish Wears glasses and once read a Penguin Classic Reggaeton was the dance sound of 2006. Dubstep will be next year's thing I haven't a clue what I'm talking about, but I may sound hip Of all the 1990s boybands, Take That stood out I never missed a chance to slag them off Pain resounds from every anguished syllable Cat Power sings Pain resounds in my head when I have to listen to her The band powered through their set The band wanted to get home as quickly as I did The band have an uncompromising reputation in interviews They're surly, monosyllabic and I wanted to belt them Their talent is intuitive They seemed a bit thick The album was a hit in the blogosphere No one bought the album Classical and opera The soprano has a majestic presence The soprano is fat A spontaneous performance Under-rehearsed and winging it May not be to everyone's taste Particularly not mine For connoisseurs Dull, dull, dull The singer's non-musical qualities have clearly not impeded her career If she wasn't so gorgeous, they'd never have let her in the studio An idiosyncratic performance The composer would have a fit She has the perfect looks for the role She has the perfect cleavage for the role They have onstage chemistry They are sleeping together The orchestra was on recalcitrant form The orchestra clearly despise the conductor Dance An energetic cast A bunch of talentless, hyperactive nobodies The ballerina moves with an eerie delicacy The ballerina looks anorexic Endlessly inventive I want to lie down in a darkened room The dancers commit 100% The material they've been given is awful Comedy Comic genius I'm copying this straight out of the press release Madcap Irritating Like X on acid I've never taken acid, but want to sound like I have Observational Full of unoriginal generalisations Acute We share the same prejudices Humorous Unfunny Wry Unfunny Sidelong Unfunny Hilarious Moderately funny Comedy legend An obscure, unfunny American Surreal I don't know anything about surrealism Film This promising young actor I want to sleep with him/her This magnetic and superbly charismatic actor, whose early promise has been richly achieved I have slept with him/her This undoubtedly talented actor has none the less recently given some uncertain performances and made ill-advised career choices He/she keeps telephoning me at home and threatening to make a scene This rubbish actor I am now divorced, bitter, and living in a reeking, squalid bedsit De Niro prepared meticulously for the role De Niro put on weight for the role Life-affirming Stars Morgan Freeman Quirky Irritating A grower Boring Challenging I don't get it A great entertainer Fame-mad Miss at your peril I can't think of a last sentence. 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lin 0 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Reviewers often make me laugh. They must have all these phrases loaded into a database ready to go. Choose pretentiousness level and off you go! Link to post Share on other sites
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