hellyer
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Posts posted by hellyer
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powder
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Love this, particularly the Pro-nun- see- asions
And all true……………..apart from the last 4 of course
Eight Words
1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female...... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND
He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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A little late but could be the real reason the YES vote did not get up
Former United Kingdom
If, in the forthcoming referendum, Scotland elects to be independent, the remainder of the United Kingdom will then be known as
the "Former United Kingdom" ... or FUK.
In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Government have begun their campaign with the slogan
"Vote NO, for FUK's sake."
They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.
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Skinny little white Irishman gets into an
elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him... He
looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....
Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
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cold spoon
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BAD Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,............... "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Did you know?
The definition of bottomless?
bot·tom·less (b
t
m-l
s)adj.
1. Having no bottom.
2. Too deep to be measured: a bottomless glacier lake.
3. Difficult or impossible to understand; unfathomable: one of the bottomless mysteries of life.
4. Having no limitations or bounds; limitless: a bottomless supply of money.
5.
a. Nude, especially unclothed below the waist: bottomless dancers.
b. Featuring such dancers as entertainment: bottomless bars.
6 Mt Granview
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botulism
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Yes Bags, but did you know this-Stewardesses"
is the longest word typed with only the left hand
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And "lollipop"
is the longest word typed with your right hand.
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No word in the English language rhymes withmonth,
orange, silver, or purple.
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"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
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Our eyesfare always the same sizefrom birth,
but our nosefand ears never stop growing.
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The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.
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The words 'racecar,'
'kayak' , and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
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There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
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TYPEWRITERs the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
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A goldfishhas a memory span of three seconds.
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A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
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A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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A snail can sleep for three years.
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Almonds are a member of the peach family.
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
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Babies are born without kneecaps.They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
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February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
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In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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If the population of Chinawalked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
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Leonardo Da Vinci inventedthe scissors.
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Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
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The cruise liner, QE 2
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
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The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
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The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
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Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
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Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!
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Now you know (a little) more than you did before
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Gynecologist's Assistant
A retired TWA pilot, trying to find something interesting to occupy his time, went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $85,000 a year, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana. That's about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now.
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Senior trying to set a password:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via email.
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swana
and
uliism
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This is how I stay sharp (for an old bloke) in the 'Off" season.
August 2014
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Did you know
That 75 Snow Japan members were born on January 1st yet only 5 on the day before and 10 on the day after....................................there was some heavy pushing going down on New Years Eve.
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You are seriously addicted MB
Respect. .
:thumbsup:-
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- Popular Post
- Popular Post
I had decided to read motivational books but I just can't seem to get started.
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Seven Degrees Of Blond
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it
to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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Orifice - love that word
it has a ring to it
and flyscreens
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or maybe they just fly in one orifice and out the other.
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"I just want to be different"...................................................like every one else.
I imagine he would need to install fly screens over those tunnels to keep the bugs out
Trying to lose weight SUCKS
in General off-topic discussions
Posted
Try this in your living room instead Tubby ,
It works for me