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hellyer

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Posts posted by hellyer

    squatting, snowsports and toilets

    in General off-topic discussions

    Posted

    Originally Posted By: Jynxx
    When I first went to England I couldn't use the western toilet.
    I actually squatted on top of it for a while. When you are 5 you can do that.
    When I went back to Japan, I couldn't use the Japanese one. It took me a while to get back to it.
    I spent a lot of time in the rain forests in Australia. Dig a hole and squat.
    Kinda miss doing that here in Germany.


    Are you taking the piss? stir

    The Friday thread!

    in General off-topic discussions

    Posted

    It's still late Friday here so here's another.

     

    W*R*O*N*G FUNNIES

     

    I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

     

    She said I had to stop wanking.

     

    When I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

     

    ~

     

    I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

     

    I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

     

    ~

     

    A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

     

    Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

     

    To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

     

    ~

     

    I had a mate who was suicidal.

     

    He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

     

    He was chuffed to bits.

     

    ~

     

    When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

     

    Took her out with one punch.

     

    ~

     

    My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

     

    "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

     

    ~

     

    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

     

    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

     

    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

     

    ~

     

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

     

    He replied, "No, just having a shit."

     

    ~

     

    Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

     

    ~

     

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

     

    How could anyone stoop so low?

     

    ~

     

    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

     

    I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

    Mexican killer swine flu

    in General off-topic discussions

    Posted

    I am just getting over 10 horrible days with the flu

    No not Swine Flu - much worse!

     

    It's MAN Flu, you know, the one where you are coughing your guts out all night & hawking up unmentionable sticky gunk.

     

    Fellows you know MAN Flu........it's the one where you get absolutely no sympathy from your wife. slap

    The Friday thread!

    in General off-topic discussions

    Posted

    My first Friday post (inspired by Stemik & others)

     

    HOW THE FIGHT STARTED......

     

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't

    used the gift I bought you last year!"

     

    And that's how the fight started....

     

    __________________________________________

     

    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

     

    And that's when the fight started...

     

    __________________________________________

     

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

     

    And that's when the fight started...

     

    ________________________________________

     

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than

    the cold cream.

     

    And that's when the fight started.....

     

    __________________________________________

     

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,

    took my order first..

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

     

    And that's when the fight started......

     

    __________________________________________

     

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the

     

    channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

     

    And then the fight started...

     

    __________________________________________

     

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

     

    anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale...

     

    And then the fight started...

     

    __________________________________________

     

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

     

    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

    'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

    I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on

    celebrating that long?'

     

    And then the fight started...

     

    ____________________________________

     

    I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside

     

    the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

     

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little

     

    things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are

    you?'

     

    And then the fight started...

     

    __________________________________________

     

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

    Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I

    arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

    house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed

    her a toothbrush.

    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well

    sweep the driveway.'

     

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have

    a limp

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