slow 0 Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 If you fall in love with someone who never thought about marriage in his/her life, (on the premise that you are ready to marry,) Do you think that you can change his/her mind? Can you change your mind and keep relationship with him/her as a life-long partner without marriage? Will you try to forget him/her and get a new BF/GF? Link to post Share on other sites
rach 1 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Thats a difficult one, it would all depend on the person and situation. Easy get out that one, but very true. You find yourself in that position, slow?? Link to post Share on other sites
sunrise 0 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 I know lots of life-long partners that never got married. They're all but married except for the piece of paper. Personally, it doesn't matter to me whether I marry the person I love or not. It's simply another ritual, another piece of paper, though there are legal advantages to it (though I think mainly if you have kids). Of course all of this depends on what culture you live in. In Japan for instance, perhaps it's a lot more unusual for partners to live together for the rest of their lives without marrying. What's the situation, slow? You want to marry someone who doesn't want to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
miteyak 0 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Slow - one would have to decide whether the partner is commited or not. For some people, I don't want to marry can be translated as, you're not the right one. Others don't see the need. So, as Rach said, case by case. You'll have to give us more details... Link to post Share on other sites
slow 0 Posted May 22, 2004 Author Share Posted May 22, 2004 rach, sunrise, thanks! This is like women's forum, that's nice! and thanks miteyak, I don't want to write my situation here, but it's nice to know what you think... OK... this is almost my situation very briefly. "If you fall in love with a person like him", He is a not-successful-yet artist(musician) and marriage isn't his goal, what he has to do now is focus on working hard and making a carreer of music. Musicians have so many things to do, always learning and practicing. He can't afford the time for dating but you are special to him and you really like him. Sunrise, that's true most Japanese people can't understand life-long partners without marrying and it's pretty hard for me to choose unmarried life. My parents, friends believe that only "marriage" makes our life happy. They pressure me to marry someone(who??) soon... Link to post Share on other sites
damian 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 Slow, the honest enthusiasm of your communication style heartens me. You remind me of a friend I have Anyway, enough of such niceties. On the topic, do you want to know what I think Link to post Share on other sites
mikazooki 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 shag him senseless then steal his musical equipment and pawn it, to punish him for his non-commital ways?!??? Link to post Share on other sites
Siem Reeves 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 but Slow... the real question you've got to ask yourself is... "does he ski?"... and if not, then is he willing to learn? no, really, I think that if he is the one, then you will know, and just being with him will be enough. having said that, if you really want marriage, then that may be a small issue, but in the end, it shouldn't really matter... Link to post Share on other sites
Raury 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 I'd say that some people do change. I never wanted to have children, but now find myself thinking that it would be nice with the girl I am now with. She however, doesn't want to get married/settle permanently with anyone, but I am willing to wait and see if that changes. Bear in mind that I "knew" from age 16, that I didn't want children, saw 4 really good relationships die because of my "no children" policy, and now I think it would be nice, so go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
mikazooki 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 ok ok. how bout this one... pretend youre up the duff, pressure him into getting a salaryman job, and see if he comes around. if he goes for the job thing, then u can tell him it was a mistake and u were just late. this will show that he is susceptible to manipulation, and just the kind of guy u want. if not, he'll be out the door before u can say 'penelope pitstop' and u'll know youre stuffed. Link to post Share on other sites
slow 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Author Share Posted May 23, 2004 db, you said "hate is good" somewhere in this forum and I thought that you were right because of this situation. I wish I could hate him. Shimba, thanks for the nice message. I will be honest myself. But hopefully, I want to meet more attractive guy who is not musician type but adventurer type and very wild, strong, loves nature, skiing, we can enjoy life together... mikazooki, you sound like you enjoy my situation, don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Markie 0 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 Slow, I am probably the worst person to give advice about love, since my love-life is a total mess. However, here is what I think. You say you really like him and you are special to him. This sounds like he doesn't really love you yet or else he will certainly want to marry you. It also seems you like him very much otherwise this will not be a problem. You should listen to your own heart. If you stay with him, he may realize he really loves you as time goes by. But this is a risk you must take. If you break up with him, you open yourself to new opportunities but you must give up your opportunity to be with him. Do you really want that? The worst thing is to pressure him to give up his aspirations in order to take a steady job and marry. He will always remember he had to make this sacrifice for you. If he does so on his own without any pressure from you, then that's great, but if not this will always be on his mind and will spoil the relationship. Furthermore, you should not marry because of pressure from your friends or family. The most important person and the only person you should think about is yourself and your happiness. Don't listen to anyone. You are the best judge of your own future happiness. There is no guarantee you will make the right choice, but I believe if you listen to your own heart, that is the best chance for finding your own happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
mikazooki 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 actually, i was doing my best to guess what db was thinking Link to post Share on other sites
sweetaz 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 hey slow, I have to agree with markie...with some additions.... From a chick's point of view: I think some people(especially men) do not really know what they want or need. But can get in the mind set of ...this is the type of woman/partner i want and i will not compromise from that ideology. This is by no means saying they should "settle" for something less, but merely decide if what they want is actually what they NEED. In saying this, i think a man can be in love, but still be thinking he wants the ideology rather than what he has and what works. I believe that it is not until he loses it, that he realises it is indeed what he wants and needs. In other words i believe we are all guilty of not appreciating what we have and taking those we love for granted. If he truly does love you and realises he does, he would want to marry you. Maybe not right now or this year....but i wonder what would happen if you decided to move on? Would he ask you to stay? As an aside…I believe that marriage is far more than a piece of paper. Those who say it is just a document are kidding themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Markie 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I've tried to stay off this topic cos I know once I get started I can't keep my mouth shut. So hear goes. Sweetaz, your "additions" sound very much to be "on the money". You sound like a great soul-mate and an invaluable friend. Someone who can give a guy a good kick in the ass now and again to set him straight. Sort of like db, except he tends to be more crude in the execution. There is one reservation, though, which I have about what you said. Well you didn't really say it. It's what I thought you implied: ". I believe that it is not until he loses it, that he realises it is indeed what he wants and needs. In other words i believe we are all guilty of not appreciating what we have and taking those we love for granted. If he truly does love you and realises he does, he would want to marry you. Maybe not right now or this year....but i wonder what would happen if you decided to move on? Would he ask you to stay?" That sounds to me like you are suggesting a "Poker Bluff" or forcing the hand. That is to say, staging a break-up to force your partner to realize what he is losing and force him to make a decision. With the stakes so high, is it really worthwhile to risk it all on one hand? All or nothing? This may pay off but it may not. I suggest patience and understanding. Do not initiate a break-up unless you really want to break up. Forcing your partner to make a decision he is not yet ready to make is likely to result in a bad decision. Do you really want to risk losing him? Even if you win the hand, and he decides to marry you because of it, you may still lose the game if this turns out to be the wrong decision and it is not a happy marriage in the long run. Marriage should be based on mutual love and commitment and should last forever. It should be worth waiting for. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetaz 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 hi markie...thanks for the comments. I am definately not suggesting a poker bluff. Altho i know alot of women who would. I for one would never initiate something i am not prepared to follow through with. The next part will be totally to do with how slow feels.... You will note that i said "would he ask you to stay?" not "would he ask you to marry him?". I said stay because i definately think marriage should not be a forced thing...as per your message. But i do feel that if he is not willing to ask slow to stay .....because he loves her, then she is wasting her time. Believe me, i am a patient woman and I believe waiting can be the answer...providing one has something worth waiting for....not just hopes. Otherwise it is cheating yourself and your partner to waste years thinking/hoping something will change. In saying that slow hasnt really come out and said she loves him, he loves her.....so perhaps we are getting carried away. ( i too was avoiding the topic for this reason) Link to post Share on other sites
montoya 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 It might not be an option to you, but lots for friends back in the States live together for a bit before marrying. Also starting to see alot more of this in Tokyo also. Link to post Share on other sites
Markie 0 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 O.K., Sweetaz, so it seems that we are totally eye to eye on this one. Anyway, before we get carried away with ourselves, whether or not Slow listens to us, I hope things work out for her. Link to post Share on other sites
damian 0 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Quote: Originally posted by Markie: Sort of like db, except he tends to be more crude in the execution. bullshit. Wanker. Hey Slow, I didn’t say hate is good, I said "be bitter, blame everyone else, hate everything". I tell you what, send him to London and I will hang out with him for a while and let you know if he is a good guy or not. I am a little worried about "Musicians have so many things to do, always learning and practicing. He can't afford the time for dating". Is that your presumption or his statement? As for the theory of love, I will leave that to the resident experts, they educate me also. Although I felt love recently, at least I think it was. The feeling of total and utter uncontrollable happiness and over whelming joy in the deepness of my middle that was so thick and intense that it was almost frustrating. What a feeling! Link to post Share on other sites
slow 0 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 I loved him very much before but don't know now. I have been confused and stop asking myself "is this love??". I always prefer choosing end relationship if my BF can't do what he wants because of me. I wait pretty long and feel that it's almost time to move on. (if I can... ) Thank you markie, sweetaz, db. paris is nice but I don't think that I can love parisian. Link to post Share on other sites
Siren 0 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Quote: Although I felt love recently Shocking!! With the traffic warden that patrols your area? Link to post Share on other sites
miteyak 0 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 "I haven't time to date..." "I need to concentrate on my music..." Someone who hasn't the time/can't form a relationship at the moment/share work or interests with you is not about to be a good partner. If his life is music, and theres no place for you in his music... Too busy!?! i've managed (just about ) to keep a relationship together on a seventy hour work-week along with a healthy ski life. As for the guy changing, you probably wouldn't like him if he did... "I want to meet more attractive guy who is not musician type but adventurer type and very wild, strong, loves nature, skiing, we can enjoy life together." Sounds like you already know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Siren 0 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I am not sure I should say this (as it may come back to haunt me one day) but here you go, slow. If you really want to know, just ask him (in a nice way so that he doesn’t think he is in a pressure cooker) what plan he has in the mid term i.e. 3-5 years. The possible answers are (not exhaustive): He has a set of plans (better still, with alternatives i.e. Plan Bs) he wants to accomplish in that time (whether they include you or not) e.g. he plans to give his music another x years and if it doesn’t work out he would be a chef; He just want to continue as it is i.e. play his music hope that one day he will have a break and it would be nice to have you around until then; or He is not sure what he wants You can more or less have your own conclusions from what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
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