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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.




Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.




Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!

Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Homer: Explain how!

Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!

Homer: Woo-hoo!




Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)




Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.




Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.




Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?




Ralph: That's my swingset, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.

Bart: Right, the leprechaun.

Ralph: He told me to burn things.

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In the Torygraph:


"Last month, (Conrad Black) started libel proceedings against his recent biographer, Tom Bower, for representing him as "psychiatrically maladjusted, unrelievedly odious, in fact evil and devoid of any redeeming or even mitigating qualities". Bower is defending the claims."

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Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.



I love this one so much


it's everything that used to be funny about the simpsons

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"I have a feeling it's the bottom three who will go down"


The observant Graham Taylor.


"I'm 28 now and people say you reach your peak at 28, so hopefully I've got my best years ahead of me"


The confused Kieron Dyer.

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In the Torygraph.


"Another team, at Imperial College London, created the first GM Anopheles mosquito to be sterilised and released into the wild so they mate with wild females but have no offspring.


Prof Andrea Crisanti's team added a gene that makes the testicles of male mosquitoes fluorescent, allowing scientists to easily separate them from females. A machine can sort 180,000 larvae in 10 hours."


Flourescent testicles. How about that?

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Prophesies of Bush


He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

- - - George Bernard Shaw


He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.

- - - Benjamin Disraeli


He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.

- - - Percival Wilde


and finally



If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head.

- - - Jim Hightower, 1988


Funny if it wernt true



His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

- - - Mark Twain


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

- - - Groucho Marx

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Accident Reports


Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.




Car Accidents:



"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."


"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."


"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."


"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."


"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."


"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."


"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."


"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."


"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."


"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."


"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."


"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."


"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."


"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."


"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."


"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."


"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."


"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."


"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."


"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."


"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."


"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."


"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."


"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."


"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."


"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."


"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."


"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."


"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."


"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."


"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."


"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hmm, not all laugh out loud but a fair few are. From a United friend, all quotes by a certain Sir Alex Fergie:


1. “Only true champions come out and show their worth after defeat- and I expect us to do that”(Sir Alex Ferguson after been beaten by Arsenal for a second time in the league 2006 season}


2. “You’re a ****’ bottler Incey! You cannae handle the stage, can you? You are a ****’ bottler!” (Alex Ferguson to Paul Ince at half-time, Barcelona, 1994.)


3. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. Football. Bloody hell.”(Alex Ferguson after winning the European Cup on May 26th, 1999.)


4. “I thought the first 45 minutes were the best of my time as a manager.”

(Alex Ferguson after United had come back from 2-0 down to beat Juventus 3-2 in Turin, Italy in what was later heralded as one of the greatest comebacks in sporting history.)


5. “I’m privileged to have followed Sir Matt because all you have to do is to try and maintain the standards that he set so many years ago.”

(Alex Ferguson after equalling Sir Matt Busby’s Premiership record)


6. “That’s absolute bollocks, that. Absolute nonsense.”(Sir Alex Ferguson after beating FA Premier League champions Chelsea FC 1-0 on November 6th 2005 when asked if the previous week where Manchester United had endured much criticism was the worst week of his career.)


7. “At the end of this game, the European Cup will be only six feet away from you and you’ll not even able to touch it if we lose. And for many of you that will be the closest you will ever get. Don’t you dare come back in here without giving your all”.

o Alex Ferguson’s half time team talk during the 1999 European Cup Final


8. “It would have been Sir Matt Busby’s 90th birthday today, but I think he was up there doing a lot of kicking.”(Alex Ferguson post match after winning the European Cup 1999)


9. “My greatest challenge is not what’s happening at the moment, my greatest challenge was knocking Liverpool right off their **** perch. And you can print that.”(Sir Alex Ferguson responding to Alan Hansen questioning Sir Alex Ferguson’s future as Manchester United manager in September 2002 in the Guardian.)


10. “Just **** patch him up” (Sir Alex Ferguson to a club physio after kicking a boot at David Beckham’s head which left him needing stitches above his eye.)


11. “It was a freakish incident. If I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn’t happen again. If I could I would have carried on playing!”(Sir Alex Ferguson to the media after the incident had happened.)


12. “It’s getting tickly now - squeaky-bum time, I call it”.(Sir Alex Ferguson on the 2002/2003 end of season title race. A phrase now used very often in newspapers at all levels of football.)


13. “On you go. I’m no **** talking to you. He’s a **** great player. Yous are **** idiots.” (Sir Alex Ferguson speaking to the media about Juan Sebastian Verón)


14. “It keeps those **** from the media out.” (Ferguson about the new ‘Fortress Carrington’ training complex.)


15. “I am such a bloody talented guy. I might go into painting or something like that.” (Sir Alex on life after management.)


16. “He’s a bully, a **** big-time Charlie”. (Alex Ferguson on Paul Ince)


17. “They say he’s an intelligent man, right? Speaks five languages! I’ve got a 15-year-old boy from the Ivory Coast who speaks five languages!” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Arsene Wenger)


18. “It is totally out of the question. There is no way we would sell him, or any of our best players” (Sir Alex Ferguson before selling David Beckham, 12th April 2003)


19. “David Beckham is Britain’s finest striker of a football not because of God-given talent but because he practises with a relentless application that the vast majority of less gifted players wouldn’t contemplate. (Alex Ferguson on David Beckham (1999))


20. “What the **** are you lot playing at? That is the biggest load of shite I’ve ever seen. Not one of you can look me in the eye, because not one of you deserves to have a say. I can’t believe you’ve come here and decided to toss it off like that crap you’re playing out there.” (Half-time at Sheffield Wednesday, 1998.)


21. “If he was an inch taller he’d be the best centre half in Britain. His father is 6ft 2in - I’d check the milkman.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Gary Neville)


22. “When an Italian tells me its pasta on the plate I check under the sauce to make sure. They are the inventors of the smokescreen.”(Alex Ferguson before Manchester United played Inter Milan in the Champions League Quarter Final 1999)


23. “Whether dribbling or sprinting, Ryan can leave the best defenders with twisted blood” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Ryan Giggs)


24. “Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I’m not going to single him out.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Andy Cole and others.)


25. “Pippo Inzaghi was born in an offside position.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Pippo Inzaghi after finding out that Pippo is the most offside player in the football ever.)


26. “As with every young player, he’s only 18.” (Alex Ferguson on youngsters)


27. “It was particularly pleasing that our goalscorers scored tonight.” (Alex Ferguson on scoring goals)


28. “The philosophy of a lot of European teams, even in home matches, is not to give a goal away.” (Alex Ferguson on European teams)


29. “This pilot move by FIFA will take root and fly.”(Alex Ferguson on FIFA pilot program)


30. “If we can play like that every week, we’ll get some level of consistency.” (Alex Ferguson on consistency)


31. “The lads ran their socks into the ground.” (Alex Ferguson on his players)


32. “He could start a row in an empty house.” (Alex Ferguson on Dennis Wise)


33. “We have people coming here to admire the scenery and enjoy their crisps.” (Alex Ferguson on United fans)


34. “Just when they thought they had a chance Ruud killed them off a bit.” (Alex Ferguson on most matches in which Ruud scores!)


35. “The big challenges are the biggest stage and it is a true test of all footballers in Europe.”


36. “We need Van Nistelrooy up there again because we missed some incredible chances at Portsmouth. He’s the best.”


37. “Sometimes we can get too emotional as a club with things that are happening. But we’re both of a common denominator - we don’t want the club to be in anyone else’s hands.”


38. “I have always tried to be the bridge between the club and the fans and I have tried to support the fans in a lot of their pleas and causes.”


39. “In my 18 years at this club, that was the worst performance we have ever produced in the FA Cup.” (after the FA Cup holders are held by non-league Exeter City in 2005)


40. “If Chelsea drop points, the cat’s out in the open. And you know what cats are like - sometimes they don’t come home.”


41. “He was certainly full of it, calling me Boss and Big Man when we had our post-match drink after the first leg. But it would help if his greetings were accompanied by a decent glass of wine. What he gave me was paint-stripper.” (on Jose Mourinho)


42. “Wayne Rooney doesn’t score tap-ins.”


43. “Oh dearie me, the FA are going to be delighted with that!” (Alex Ferguson on Man U vs Arsenal in the Carling Cup)


44. “We’re suffering because of what happened against Arsenal… one of my players would have to be hit by an axe to get a penalty at the moment.”


45. “They have those fans who are so emotional and fanatical, they expect to win the World Cup” (Alex Ferguson on Newcastle fans)


46. “They come out with the ‘English are so strong, we’re terrible in the air, we can’t do this, we can’t do that’. Then they beat you 3 - 0″ (Alex Ferguson on Italians)


47. “I used to have a saying that when a player is at his peak, he feels as though he can climb Everst in his slippers. That’s what he was like”(Alex Ferguson on Paul Ince)


48. “At half-time it could have been 20-all! But commonsense took over - or boring football took over!” (Alex Ferguson on a 3 - 2 win over Fulham, 2005)


49. “I remember the first time I saw him. He was 13 and just floated over the ground like a cocker spaniel chasing a piece of silver paper in the wind” (Alex Ferguson on Ryan Giggs)


50. “We are catching them [Chelsea] and we just hope the finishing line doesn’t come too soon.”


51. “This was an important day and we wanted everyone together. In that situation it was best to leave Ruud out”


52. “Wayne is truly blessed. He doesn’t just have ability, he has a fire inside him ”


53. “When we signed him [Rooney] at 18, everyone said ‘what will he be like at 21?’ Now he’s 21, people are saying ‘what will he be like at 25?’ It was always destined to be that way”


54. “He demonstrates great hunger and desire all the time. Without doubt, he is the best 21-year-old I have ever had.” (Alex Ferguson on Rooney)


55. “He was towering over me and the other players were almost covering their eyes. I’m looking up and thinking ‘if he does hit me, I’m dead’”(Alex Ferguson on an argument with Peter Schmeichel)


56. “I think it’s important to work and I’m entitled to work. Some people do not want to work but I want to continue working”


57. “We will only be in trouble if we listen to Jose too much”


58. “I bet him he wouldn’t get 15 league goals and I’m going to have to change my bet with him. If he gets to 15 I can change it and I am allowed to do that because I’m the manager. I’m going to make it 150 now” (on Ronaldo)


59. “He’ll be getting a hug and a kiss from me - maybe even two!” (on Sam Allardyce)

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“If he was an inch taller he’d be the best centre half in Britain. His father is 6ft 2in - I’d check the milkman.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Gary Neville)

lol.gif The man who's dad is called Neville Neville.
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Boris Johnston in the Torygraph:


"I would much rather have cyberspace regulated by public scorn than by Tony Blair, who should depart as soon as possible to complete his farewell tour in an open-top submarine."

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