Laugh out loud quotes

[scouser 4]

I posted these in the footie thread, but thought that non-footie fans would miss them and that would be a shame because they're really funny. Football related, but perhaps some more quotes could be added to this thread.

 

Here goes.

 

=======================================

 

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"

(STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)

 

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."

(RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)

 

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach. . ."

(ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1)

 

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."

(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)

 

"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)

 

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke. . ."

(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)

 

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."

(DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)

 

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."

(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)

 

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."

(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)

 

"And I suppose they [spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."

(JOHN MOTSON, BBC)

 

"I never make predictions, and I never will."

(PAUL GASCOIGNE)

 

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."

(JIMMY HILL)

 

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."

(BRIAN MOORE)

 

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."

(TERRY VENABLES)

 

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."

(MIKE INGHAM)

 

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."

(RON ATKINSON)

 

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."

(RON ATKINSON)

 

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."

(JOHN GREIG)

 

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."

(DEREK RAE)

 

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."

(MIKE INGHAM)

 

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."

(BOBBY ROBSON)

 

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."

(JOHN MOTSON)

 

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."

(TREVOR BROOKING)

 

"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."

(DAVE BASSETT)

 

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."

(TOM FERRIE)

 

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."

(JOHN HOLLINS)

 

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley. . . unless somebody knocks us out."

(DAVE BASSETT)

 

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."

(ALAN GREEN)

 

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

 

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."

(JIMMY HILL)

 

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."

(RICHARD PARK)

 

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."

(TREVOR BROOKING)

 

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."

(SPORTS ROUNDUP)

 

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."

(JOHN LYALL)

 

"In comparison, there's no comparison."

(RON GREENWOOD)

 

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."

(RON ATKINSON)

 

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."

(MALCOLM McDONALD)

 

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."

(BRIAN MOORE)

 

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."

(JOHN GREIG)

 

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."

(TERRY VENABLES)

 

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."

(RON ATKINSON)

 

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."

(IAN DARK)

 

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

(DAVID ACFIELD)

 

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"

(GERRY FRANCIS)

 

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"

(BRYAN ROBSON)

 

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."

(MICK LYONS)

 

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."

(DEREK JOHNSTONE)

 

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did."

(BARRY DAVIES)

 

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"

(STUART PEARCE)

 

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

 

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."

(RON GREENWOOD)

 

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."

(DENIS LAW)

 

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man."

(NORMAN WHITESIDE)

 

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

(RON ATKINSON)

 

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(KEVIN KEEGAN)

 

"The minute's silence was immaculate, I have never heard a minute's silence like that."

(GLENN HODDLE)

 

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"

Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

 

[2pints-mate 0]

Some classics there.

 

Ron Atkinson was another of those quote machine dudes.

 

-------------

 

Murray Walker was the only thing interesting about F1. Here's some of his:

 

"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"

 

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

 

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

 

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

 

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"

 

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

 

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

 

"He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car"

 

"It's raining and the track is wet"

 

"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

 

"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"

 

"they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Laudas, but the contents are me..." as Murray prepares to take a drive in a F1 car." [He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he stalls it.]

 

[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."

 

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

 

Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!" James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

 

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light.

 

As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."

 

[after a post race interview where Mansell won the French(?) GP] Murray :

 

"How did you get that nasty bumb on your head Nigel?" [Nigel leans forward to show the camera as Murray pokes it with his finger !] Nigel: "OWCH!!"

[brett_jackson 0]

These are from an American comedian called Steven Wright. If the name doesn't ring a bell, he's the comedian who keeps a completely straight, deadpan expression when he tells jokes, or tells quotes like these below. Some people don't really appreciate the humour ... I do

 

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

 

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"

 

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."

 

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

 

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

 

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

 

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

 

"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."

 

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

 

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."

 

"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

 

"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

 

"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"

 

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

 

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

 

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

 

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she broke up with me before we met."

 

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"

 

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

 

"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."

 

"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."

 

"Half the people you know are below average."

 

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

 

"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."

 

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

 

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

 

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

[scouser 4]

I like it. Keep them coming!

[boardbaka 3]

The above are great!!!!

We had this rugby commy in NZ called Murray Mexted! Two of his all time classics:

1. I've been pumping Martin Leslie for q

[boardbaka 3]

quite a while now"!

 

2. "It's great to see hookers going down on people like that!"

 

....Trust me....There are many more......

[rach 1]

What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal

 

 

So many good ones.

[tsondaboy 0]

I think this belong in this thread

 

more stupid quotes

[Sven 0]

Jack Handy definitely belongs here.

 

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

 

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

 

http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm

[chipmunk 0]

Nice thread scouser

[chipmunk 0]

Mr George Bush also provides some very wonderful quotes. Can you believe a country voted this imbecile into power?

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

'Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.'

 

'We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'

 

'This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.'

 

'The benefits of helping somebody is beneficial.'

 

'[We will] use our technology to enhance uncertainty abroad.'

 

'The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.'

 

'...more and more of our imports are coming from overseas.'

 

'If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.'

 

'There is no doubt in my mind that this country cannot achieve any objective we put our mind to.'

 

'It's hard to be successful if you don't make something somebody doesn't want to buy.'

 

'I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.'

 

'I had the opportunity to go out to Goree Island and talk about what slavery meant to America. It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America. America is what it is today because of what went on in the past.'

 

'I think war is a dangerous place.'

 

'Sometimes, Washington is one of these towns where the person - people who think they've got the sharp elbow is the most effective person.'

 

'I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.'

 

'I have said that the sanction regime [against Iraq] is like Swiss cheese. That meant that they weren't very effective.'

 

'The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

 

'Will the highways on the Internet become more few?'

 

'Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it.'

 

'I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question.'

 

'Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.'

 

'We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans.'

 

'It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.'

 

'We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal — federal cufflink.'

 

'I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.'

 

'You're working hard to put food on your family.'

 

'He married a Texas girl, I want you to know... A West Texas girl, just like me.'

 

'I think it's interesting. I'm a follower of American politics.'

 

'I'm the master of low expectations.'

 

'I had my first 'scope', as we say in the business, I think maybe five or six years ago. They discovered polyps for the first time.'

 

'There are a couple of cows waiting for me. You know, when I first got back from Washington, it seemed like the cows were talking back. But now that I've spent some time in Crawford, they're just cows.'

 

'I'm a patient man, which is hard for me to believe.'

 

'It's amazing with the software that has been developed these days that enable a camera to distinguish the difference between a squirrel and a bomb.'

 

'You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'

 

'I understand small business growth. I was one.'

 

'Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.'

[frannyo 2]

They are funny.

And at the same time, it's not funny at all is it?

[misorano 1]

On CNN the other day when talking about babies.

 

"Most woman don't realize they are pregnant until after conception".

[smellyfeet 0]

Thats coz they're dim ain't it?

[Oyuki kigan 0]

Big Brother skateboard magazine used to have a quote section of just ridiculous stuff the skaters would say. My favorite ones

 

`You don`t bring sand to the beach`

 

-Pro skater XX on bringing girlfriends on vacations

 

or

 

`I almost punched the bitch out`

 

-Pro skater OO talking about the time his mother sold his Star Wars figure collection

 

`I has to go to counselling because of Star Wars`

 

-Pro skater OO still reminicing

[sakebomb 0]

Some of those are great LMAO!

 

Kinda liking this one at the moment!

"the funny thing about common sense is it isn't that common"

[scouser 4]

WFT is this one on about??!

 

'It's amazing with the software that has been developed these days that enable a camera to distinguish the difference between a squirrel and a bomb.'

[oo 1]

some of those football ones are real funny

[rach 1]

"Steven Gerrard was Liverpools only senior player tonight. Well, actually they had two: Hyypia, Gerrard, Fowler and Dudek. So that's four".

 

Mr Jamie Rednapp

 

"The problem was conceding four goals in the first half"

 

Rafa Benitez after the 6-3 Arsenal defeat.

[gerard 6]

Thanks. I needed that.

[daver 0]

voidhawk,

that stuff sounds a lot like the late mitch hedberg.

 

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays...

 

 

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

 

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

 

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

 

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

 

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

 

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

 

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

 

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

 

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

 

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

 

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

 

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[rach 1]

Some good ones there!

[merryJim 1]

"I was shocked to hear that 175,000 turkeys were destroyed at Bernard Matthews farm in Suffolk. I had no idea that real birds were involved at any point in the manufacture of his products".

[BagOfCrisps 24]

 

That sounds very Viz.

 

How about this:

 

"I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money! If anything, they did more harm than good".

[BagOfCrisps 24]

"I remember people back in the 80's being afraid of freezing to death in a post holocaust nuclear winter. Now the same people don't want to be cooked to death by global warming. Honestly, there's no pleasing some people".