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Mr T and Chuck Norris (what? this is snow talk...)


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Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football

 

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

 

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

 

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

 

Before Mr.T was born there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

 

Mr. T once entered a Hot Dog eating contest. He ate a record 93 hot dogs, a 72 oz. steak, two pedestrians, a streetlamp, and a judge who called him "that guy from the A-Team".

 

When asked for his thoughts on vegetarians, Mr. T said: “If god didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat…Fool.”

 

Objects with more mass have more gravity. Consequently, most of the universe is attracted to Mr. T's chains. However, they are kept in equilibrium due to the fact that Mr. T scares the crap out of anything coming too close.

 

One night Mr. T took a 10 p.m. train home. He still refuses to give it back.

 

The T virus in Resident Evil is based on what happens to a person when they are exposed overwhelming amounts of pity inflicted by Mr. T. There is currently no cure.

 

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise

 

Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.

 

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

 

Mr. T has removed Pee Wee Herman from existence for making fun of his cereal.

 

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

 

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

 

God was able to create the world in seven days only because he had the aid of Mr. T, a blow torch, and a musical montage.

 

Mr. T was almost involved in a second car crash. To avoid the crash, he folded his arms and slowly shook his head. The car decided it was safer to avoid Mr. T.

 

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

 

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

 

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

 

Google won't search for Mr. T because it knows you don't find Mr. T, he finds you.

 

The only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust would be Mr. T and cockroaches - Mr. T does not like cockroaches... for that reason and that reason alone Russia and the USA agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenal.

 

He who disagrees with Mr. T in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with Mr. T in public, call him an ambulance.

 

Mr. T walked in front of a speeding bus. Needless to say, he was charged with 7 counts of manslaughter.

 

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

 

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

 

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was not beat by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III. He actually lost to Stallone's stuntman, Chuck Norris. It took 5 hours of work by a dozen makeup artists to make Chuck Norris ugly enough to be a believable Stallone. Even with Chuck Norris, it was still necessary to use 3 metric tons of animal traquilizers to knock Mr. T out long enough for a 10 count.

 

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

 

As a child MR. T used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NY”. Yeah...Now!

 

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

 

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

 

Mr T once punched his way back to the 80's just to kill Richard Simmonds

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Wow, aren't men just great.

 

This is borderline offensive.

 

 Quote:
Originally posted by janus77:

Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Not actually a big fan, but just got this in an email and a few of them made me laugh and reminded me of this thread.

 

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

 

Chuck Norris believes what goes around comes a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

 

You can't squeeze blood from a stone... but Chuck Norris can.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

 

Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy and a Whole S*itload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris is the reason the participants of the Special Olympics are special.

 

The reason there has been so many different Batman's is because Chuck Norris kept killing them off.

 

When Chuck Norris is smiling, he just killed your dad.

 

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

 

Chuck Norris sank the Titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because Chuck Norris can't stand that Celine Dion song.

 

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

 

Much like the sun, Chuck Norris will cause blindness if looked at for prolonged periods of time.

 

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

 

The only reason the American military forces are still needed in Iraq is because Chuck Norris is not in the American military forces.

 

Chuck Norris can take a dump while standing.

 

The world population divides into two groups, those who fear Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

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oh there are tons of these round the traps... here are a few more. some are hilarious... some are downright distasteful.

 

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

 

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

 

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

 

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

 

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

 

Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

 

The quickest way to a Man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice

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  • 2 weeks later...

The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on Kindergarten fight Chuck Norris had at the age of five.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to Satan to get rid of nerves and to gain his good looks. Soon after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Satan's face to take back his soul. Satan who is fond of irony admitted he should've seen that coming and promised Chuck immunity from forces of evil. Nowadays Chuck Noriss coaches Satan in roundhouse kicks every other Wednesday.

 

Crop circles are evidence from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks, not artifacts of alien intelligence.

 

On the last page of Guinness' World Book of Records it is mentioned all the records belong to Chuck Norris. Those whose names are listed in the book are simply people who got the closest to him.

 

Chuck Norris never reports his income to the tax office. He simply sends a photo of him in a roundhouse kick pose. To this day he hasn't paid a single cent of taxes

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