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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “ Pour lukewarm water around the edges. ” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Whole computer screwed u

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT FREAKIN' OLD."   WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE: MY NAME IS SALLY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING R

Debra

  • 2 weeks later...

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

 

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION !

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

Did I read that right?

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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

 

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

 

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

 

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

 

 

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

 

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

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SUBJECT: FW: The sensuous wife..!!!

 

WITH A VERY SEDUCTIVE VOICE THE WOMAN ASKED HER HUSBAND, "HAVE

YOU EVER SEEN TWENTY DOLLARS ALL CRUMPLED UP?"

 

"NO," SAID HER HUSBAND.

 

SHE GAVE HIM A SEXY LITTLE SMILE, UNBUTTONED THE TOP 3 OR 4

BUTTONS OF HER BLOUSE, AND SLOWLY REACHED DOWN INTO THE

CLEAVAGE CREATED BY A SOFT, SILKY PUSH-UP BRA, AND PULLED OUT

A CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.

 

HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FROM HER AND SMILED

APPROVINGLY.

 

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all

crumpled up?"

 

"UH... NO, I HAVEN'T," HE SAID, WITH AN ANXIOUS TONE IN HIS

VOICE.

 

SHE GAVE HIM ANOTHER SEXY LITTLE SMILE, PULLED UP HER SKIRT,

AND SEDUCTIVELY REACHED INTO HER TIGHT, SHEER PANTIES... AND

PULLED OUT A CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL.

 

HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL, AND STARTED BREATHING

A LITTLE QUICKER WITH ANTICIPATION.

 

"NOW," SHE SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN $50,000 DOLLARS ALL

CRUMPLED UP?"

 

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused

and excited, to which she replied

 

"Go look in the garage".

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yeah yeah I know it's not Tuesday yet but I am busy tomorrow, though really I just can't wait to post these beauties

 

Cover your eyes

GOODY GOODY! THE FIRST WALMART PICTURES OF 2014

 

THIS IS WHAT THE "BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE" ARE WEARING THIS SEASON IN WALMART

 

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You have no idea how exhausting it can be putting on tight purple sweat pants!! Pensacola, Florida

 

 

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Don't laugh! Its okay, because today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy Hair Day, all rolled into one. College Station, Texas

 

 

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Apparently, Lester Flem doesn't know whether he's homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. However, if you look up the word 'Transgender' in the dictionary...BINGO!!!! There you will see a picture of dear old flaming Lester in his boots. Laguna Niguel, California

 

 

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Packing this rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to hide an elephant behind a squirrel. Seattle, Washington

 

 

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And men claim they can't meet classy women in stores? Go figure! Louisville, Kentucky

 

 

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Is that a THONG Ollie Hopnoddle is wearing?? I can't look again or I'll go blind. Mountain Brook , Alabama

 

 

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For my own sanity, I have to assume that Gussie Klothgrunt is shoplifting two pork roasts in her shirt ... simply because there is no possible way that can be anything other that two pork roasts in her shirt. Can't be! Forestdale, Alabama

 

 

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No way, Laquanda, absolutely not! That outfit does not at all make

you look like a Hooker. Midlothian, Virginia

 

 

9.jpg

It's like a big pink garbage bag filled with creamed corn and door knobs.

Houston, Texas

 

 

10.jpg

This is perfectly understandable. This one was just on her way to the Country Club when she remembered she needed some coffee and a couple of yoga videos. Besides, she thought to herself, I'll just throw on these gray shorts and I'll be smokin'. Nashville, Tennessee

 

 

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I love talking with Freidagurtz Finkelstein, because she always seems so surprised and interested in what I have to say. Grand Rapids, Michigan

 

 

12.jpg

Holy Golden Illusions of Grandeur, I gotta get me that outfit!!!! Alpharetta, Georgia

 

 

13.jpg

Either that lady has a tail or Barney is stuck where the sun doesn't shine. Loves Park, Illinois

 

 

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I'm not sure what kinky Bathsheba Squeal plans to do with that pie filling, but there is just something about her that tells me she doesn't bake, she doesn't watch Rachael Ray, and she has no intention of using that pie filling in the kitchen. La Verne, California

 

 

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I have infinite admiration for the sheer strength of good quality denim. Moreover, I will be eternally thankful if Honeysuckle's jeans wait until she reaches the truck to explode. Seriously, they should consider using denim on the next NASA space shuttle. Spring, Texas

 

 

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For those times when you need fried okra and chicken strips so badly, that you just can't wait for the bleach to set. Oxford, Mississippi

 

 

Phew, that's it SJ'ers................I think I am going to have to lie down now. :wacko:

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

 

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

 

1) You are reading this.

 

2) You are human.

 

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

 

4) You just attempted to do it.

 

6) You are laughing at yourself.

 

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

 

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

 

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

 

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

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"3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out."

 

I can!

 

Good one Griller

 

Can you also touch the hotplate with your tongue?

 

he he he

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