hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 11, 2014 Debra 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Share Posted March 11, 2014 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 11, 2014 2 Link to post Share on other sites
onehunga 26 Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Thanks for the laughs Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2014 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT FREAKIN' OLD." WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE: MY NAME IS SALLY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT F***IN' SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2014 This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fook me!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. You know you're going to send this one on. Don't ever mess with old people! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Ever had a day like this ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2014 BLONDE LOGIC Two Essex blondes were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Colchester or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Colchester ?????" CAR TROUBLE An Essex blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops an Essex blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There's this Essex blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite! A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." KNITTING A policeman pulled along side a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the officer cranked down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM An Essex blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 nice Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted April 1, 2014 A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post Alexander L 80 Posted April 1, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted April 1, 2014 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Popular Post Share Posted April 8, 2014 Longevity The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, And every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance " To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. " Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! " Bill replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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