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Dear Jetstar...

Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle.

As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No.

Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveash***).

After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how s*** they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveas*** triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing,

I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

 

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

 

No regards,

 

Rick

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That letter was a hoot and is doing the rounds in the news today.

 

Back in 07 I flew from San-Francisco to London via LA.

 

I arrive well before time and as I see my backpack (which only had a ipod and clothes in it) make 7 trips into the xray machine. The TSA agent gives me the most filthy look I have ever seen from a human and sends me on my way. After the expected 5 hour delay, I board something I swore I saw on Air Crash Investigation one too many times... I made it to LA just in time to catch my flight to London.

 

On the flight itself the woman (I think) behind me was fat enough she could sleep on her T**s (!) My seat was on a 45 degree angle on the wrong direction with no bloody chance of it moving.

The 'Gentlemen' next to me smelt like he had not used soap since Thatcher was in power. As for the food ? Well I was thinking there was a cure for something in there somewhere.

 

But I knew I was in England when I saw on the news stand in Nottingham 'School Stripper Enquiry Begins Today' Mum was so impressed with her son's test scores, she hired a stripper to rock up to class. THEN I knew I was in England....

Now not as funny as the letter above it is still as painful.

Some flights are good some are shocking (flying to Japan on the 9th on the 'Orange Diarrhoea'. Wish me luck)

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I hate Jetstar......tried to change flights from Jan 10th to Dec 30th (this was last month), phoned up and was told it'd be 30k which included "all fees and difference in cost from my original flight"....as that had been 27k I agreed (or to be more precise my good lady agreed) as an extra 3k to swap didn't seem so bad, operator asks to speak to me as original booking was on my card, she explains in English, I ask for confirmation of the price and she reiterates the costs...I give my consent to charge my card....just as my good lady is away to hang up she asks for final confirmation of total costs only to be told that it's 27+30k!!! WTF?!? After she goes white and argues, she explains it to me and how they won't refund the new extra cost....cue me getting on the phone and telling her in no uncertain terms that I do not authorise the taking of an extra 30k.....it's already went thru....well it can just go un-thru again.....sorry sir you can apply to our refunds board for special consideration, they'll look at ur case and get back to you in 3-4 weeks......no they f##king well won't!! You'll refund that now!...no sir, you agreed...YOU DID NOT SAY IT WAS A COMBINED F##KING COST!! I want to speak to ur manager....same too-ing and fro-ing but eventually after calling his company a cartel of money sucking, customer duping lowlifes, he agreed that they'd refund the 30k.....I still have to fly out on the original dates tho.

 

An absolutely despicable airline and I will never use them again and I would implore everyone to give them a wide berth.....their customer service is disgraceful

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Its common knowledge in AU that jetstar are scumbags. They make their money on charging stupid amounts for date changes and over weight baggage at check in. Its usually cheaper to just buy another ticket than it is to change dates.

Having said that their pre paid excess baggage charges are quite good.

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Certainly can't match Iiyamadude's experience, but I did once have to fly 3 hours next to a religious maniac who was truly desperate to save my non-existent soul.

 

Some people simply shouldn't be allowed out in public, must less onto an aluminum tube that's going to be pressure sealed for the next xx hours.

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Hahaha. I was reminded of this thread as I passed the jetstar check in line here in narita on way to/from black cat courier. Typical - 2 staff to check in 2 plane loads of punters. Jal? At least 12 check in counters, all moving efficiently. Buddha less Japan!

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nly if you are prepered to pay the same rate!

 

I feel sorry for people who, in some sort of insane self-delusionary belief, pay the QANTAS rate for a trip, only to find that they've been relegated to a "code share" Jetstar flight, and get the standard jokestar service level.

 

Sucked in! :p

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Getting back to the original dude, but if he wanted a response, and had the net onboard, the thing to do would have been to break it up and stick it on Twitter with a #jetstar or whatever hashtag. There's a high chance of it going viral.

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In 2015 all that will change. That why Qantas is heading to base themselves in Asia. Asian air space including all of the australian state capitals city stop the regulating government help out to there national airways like landing fee and government taxs and direct flight privileges. There will be none of that shit going on and every air line is on the same footing. all Asian airline are treated the same at all state and nation capitals. in other word qantas Virgin and Jet star will not be able pay less, government taxs and receive any protection regulation.which give them a advantage over the rest of the Asian Airlines. There will be direct flight to Japan from from all of the eastern capitals. So Jetsar, Qantas and JAL will have to complete with all airlines in Asia. This came about because of the protection the Australian and Japanese airlines were receiving from their Government. So flight throughout out Asia are going to be very competitive from 2015 and any bad publicity will hurt any airline flying in Asian air space.

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In 2015 all that will change. That why Qantas is heading to base themselves in Asia. Asian air space including all of the australian state capitals city stop the regulating government help out to there national airways like landing fee and government taxs and direct flight privileges. There will be none of that shit going on and every air line is on the same footing. all Asian airline are treated the same at all state and nation capitals. in other word qantas Virgin and Jet star will not be able pay less, government taxs and receive any protection regulation.which give them a advantage over the rest of the Asian Airlines. There will be direct flight to Japan from from all of the eastern capitals. So Jetsar, Qantas and JAL will have to complete with all airlines in Asia. This came about because of the protection the Australian and Japanese airlines were receiving from their Government. So flight throughout out Asia are going to be very competitive from 2015 and any bad publicity will hurt any airline flying in Asian air space.
why not from all capitals?

 

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I've generally found from sydney that JAL is approx $350 more (depending upon travel dates) than jetstar to tokyo. Its also a lot less hassle as the JAL / Qaintarse flights are direct rather than stuffing around changing planes in cairns or the gold coast and lugging gear between terminals (cairns). JAL also has the bonus of 2 X 23kg bags compared to poostars 1 20kg bag limit (a real challenge with heavy skis and ski boots that rack up 14kg alone!). I have had a JAL discount airfare at around $1100 one year and a qiantarse one of $1200 one time. Poostar doesn't seem to do the 2 for 1 to japan anymore in winter so the best Ive seen is around $750ish from sydney and that didn't include the add-ons like a feed, a beer, a blanky and being allowed to take a crap.

 

Given I work and save all year for a holiday I'll happily pay $350 to save a lot of fart arsing around with poostar.

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