Friday Funnies

[hellyer 216]

NOAH TODAY

 

In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said:

"Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

 

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

 

 

"I needed a Building Permit."

 

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector

about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the

Neighborhood By-Laws by building the

Ark

in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

 

"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the

Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

 

 

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

 

 

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

 

 

"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

 

 

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

 

 

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

 

 

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

 

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

 

 

 

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

 

May I please have an 'AMEN'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kokodoko 67]

just think russel crowe.

[Alexander L 80]

just don't.

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[hellyer 216]

Happy Easter

 

 

[hellyer 216]

[hellyer 216]

 

 

[hellyer 216]

One for Tubby and Ippy

 

 

Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies

 

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:

"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:

"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,

"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker:

"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again:

"Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:

"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:

"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

[hellyer 216]

Martin Goes to the Dentist

 

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"

Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him dear......."

[hellyer 216]

Night Encounter

 

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body … you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you ...

...........

.......

...

Mosquito, spray at the ready!

[hellyer 216]

Q: 'Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?'

A: 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

[cal 6]

[Alexander L 80]

or you sell her jewelry for what she told you they cost.

[hellyer 216]

Grandad and the Australian Taxation Office

 

The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

 

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the lawyer.. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

Don't Mess with Old People!