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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune

. . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma, and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

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Lessons   Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.   The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.   When

This cheeky girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Tooheys or Fosters?" I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."   *********** I was talking t

The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'

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The British way

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!”

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The IRISH 911 CALL

 

An Irish man is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.. He immediately dials 911.

 

Irish man: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish man: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''

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The IRISH 911 CALL

 

An Irish man is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.. He immediately dials 911.

 

Irish man: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish man: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''

 

An Irish 911 call will have a man speaking to himself

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Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

 

A man walks into a bookshop and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

 

Someone told me flowers had sex organs....POPPYCOCK!

 

'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

 

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.

One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."

To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."

 

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

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Bryan walks into a pub and sees his friend Darryl slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Darryl what's wrong.

"Well," replies Darryl , "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Bryan with a laugh.

"Well," says Darryl , straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Bryan , "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Darryl , "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Bryan .

"So I get to her door," says Darryl , "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

( Darryl slumps back over the bar again.)

 

"I kicked her in the face."

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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

 

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

 

After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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Handy hints for an easier life...

 

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

 

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

 

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking Any of them.

 

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

 

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

 

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

 

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

 

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

 

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

 

17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

 

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

 

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

 

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

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CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found

over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there

was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird

Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to

everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT

Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying

colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By

analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the

crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were

killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if

there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck

kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a

nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that

while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one

could shout "Truck."

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