Friday Funnies

[Alexander L 80]

I'll read that on Friday

[seemore 66]

for some reason I thought it was Friday Thursday

[Alexander L 80]

no long now

[kokodoko 67]

waiting waiting ....... getting bored now...

[hellyer 216]

I'm working on it - thinking up something funny

 

Back soon

[hellyer 216]

[hellyer 216]

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'

The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.

The little duck walks out.

The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'

'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '

The duck walks out.

Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'

The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'

The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '

The guy says 'what?... no'.

'...got any duck food?'

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.

I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

 

 

 

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

 

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

 

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

 

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

 

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

 

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

 

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

 

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a ****ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[hellyer 216]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.

"But it did happen to me sister."

[hellyer 216]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

 

You've become your dad the day you save a thin piece of wood specifically for paint stirring

 

You never know where to look when eating a banana

 

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party. Dressed as a goat.

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two Grams to get me to sleep at night.

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

 

I saw that show, 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork.....

..

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

[hellyer 216]

[seemore 66]

Like the Rabbit

[Alexander L 80]

ah Friday

[Alexander L 80]

Irish sister

[kokodoko 67]

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St Petersburg when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

 

“No, that felt more like snow to me.” She replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain, “ he said. They were about to have a major argument when they saw a communist party official walking towards them.

 

“Let’s not fight about it, “the man said.” Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”.

 

As the official approached, the man said “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph whether it is officially raining or snowing?”

 

“It’s raining of course,” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted “I know that felt like snow!”

 

To which the man replied quietly, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

[seemore 66]

Subject: Fwd: Australian sightings

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:

 

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave

the cashier a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a

dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to

repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're

sorry but we don't do that kind of thing..'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in

change.

 

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that

we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest

one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower..

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council

to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out

here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Bauple Qld

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Castle Hill, Sydney .........

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport

employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would

I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

This happened at MelbourneAirport

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to

cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged'

co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is

red.

Appalled, she responded,

'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up

our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working

feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried

the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld

 

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk amongst us...!

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Fwd: Australian sightings

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:

 

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave

the cashier a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a

dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to

repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're

sorry but we don't do that kind of thing..'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in

change.

 

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that

we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest

one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower..

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council

to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out

here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Bauple Qld

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Castle Hill, Sydney .........

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport

employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would

I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

This happened at MelbourneAirport

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to

cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged'

co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is

red.

Appalled, she responded,

'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up

our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working

feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried

the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld

 

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk amongst us...!

 

 

[Slippery Jim 65]

Jeeze, you got that many Americans down there?

[hellyer 216]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand.

What happened to the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Alexander L 80]

[griller 9]

[hellyer 216]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

 

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

 

 

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

 

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

 

 

 

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

 

'Go get your Mother'

 

 

[hellyer 216]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

 

"Och, it's all goin' be pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

 

Archie nods approvingly."I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

 

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

 

 

 

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

[hellyer 216]

 

[Slippery Jim 65]

The Amish Elevator -- an all-time 5-star winner!

[hellyer 216]

Cheers Digriz

[634-maru 4]