Friday Funnies

[hellyer 216]

Friday Funnies - some sexist, some rascist, most very humerous..................just like the old days

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover

the house. Turns out she was a Slovak..

 

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it

gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be

honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can

supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier

I think.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they

tested positive for WD40.

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's

Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai

Brothel!!!

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they

can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut..

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look

horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans

over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you

think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Slippery Jim 65]

[hellyer 216]

1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor... Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.”

 

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

 

4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

 

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[hellyer 216]

Try to guess what this commercial is for …

 

BEFORE it ends… Bet you can't !!!

 

A great ad.

 

[hellyer 216]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD.

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

 

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

 

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,

poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos,

and began to cut yet another hole.

 

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

 

The voice came once more,

 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

 

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

 

The voice replied,

 

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

[kokodoko 67]

My rabbit loves his job. He digs things; and he works for an annual celery.

[Thunderbird2 0]

You should feed him more.

[kokodoko 67]

some welsh rarebit ?

[hellyer 216]

[Alexander L 80]

[hellyer 216]

Giving Up Wine No Way ???????

 

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

 

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

 

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

 

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

 

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

 

'Are you NUTS! 'replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years! '

 

'Well, I said, ' I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. '

 

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

 

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[hellyer 216]

Irish Sawmill Accident

 

 

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

 

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

 

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

 

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

 

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

 

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

 

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

 

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

 

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

 

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

 

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

 

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

 

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b@st@rd put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

[kokodoko 67]

NEWS...A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

[Tubby Beaver 209]

Donald Trump has had a panic room fitted in his mansion, hidden behind a painting, in case America descended into chaos during the government shutdown, it's a Handy War Hole

[hellyer 216]

The Boom-Tish Selection

 

Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond. It was identified by a tattoo that said Newcastle for the league 2013/14. In a statement the police said not even a shark would swallow that!

 

Alex Ferguson had a 80s party for his players. Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney decided to come in an Escort.

 

The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus & taramasalata. Yes, it’s a double dip recession.

 

Q. What do you call an Aussie who can handle a bat? A. A vet! Q. What do you call an Australian holding a winners bottle of champagne? A. A waiter!.

 

I’ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

 

Took out the mother in law today Left upper cut………………fantastic shot

 

The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.

 

I feel sorry for David Beckham. He takes stick wherever he goes, and she usually brings the kids as well.

 

If Kim Jong-un wants to nuke someone, can I suggest he starts with his hairdresser.

 

Ikea found horse in some of its Swedish meatballs. Or as they call it, Klippklöppen.

 

[hellyer 216]

Good Doggie

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,

” So why are you here ? ”

The yellow Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said, “So what’s the vet going to do?”

“Gonna cut my nuts off “came the reply from the yellow Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

 

The Yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked “why are you here? ”

The black Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the yellow Lab inquired.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected black Lab said.

 

The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

[seemore 66]

This cheeky girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,

"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born

just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, Yesterday."

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Great legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[hellyer 216]

[Alexander L 80]

[Slippery Jim 65]

[hellyer 216]

It's Friday again

 

Jenny Craig

 

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

 

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up over the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5ks, as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is

the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her

neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, he has no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually

getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers

that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' the man replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds

a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

 

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week...

[hellyer 216]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

It scared the hell out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading!

[hellyer 216]

They say cheese gives you nightmares. Ridiculous! I’m not scared of cheese

[hellyer 216]

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?

[hellyer 216]

A friend said to me: “I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it, it sounds like Pakistani”. I said: ”You’ll just have to try harder, Tariq”.