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hellyer

Friday Funnies

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:clap:

 

don't see the relevance but a cracking song :thumbsup:

 

and it's good night from me - it's been fun :wave:

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Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships -

2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.

 

 

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she

wanted to rent her spare room out!!

 

 

 

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"

Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

 

 

Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 68.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

 

http://youtu.be/UO9A4p1Qsvk

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

No matter where I go for work, I always end up working next to a asshole.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

 

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

 

V. Gina

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a couple of late entries

 

Dogs.jpg

 

 

 

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa.

I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'. He forgets to switch off the intercom.

 

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....

I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

 

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

 

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first'

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I have invented a new way to play tennis that doesn't make any noise.

 

It's the same game but without the racquet.

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Only if koko farts in the pool!

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Arab student sends an e-mail to his oil-rich Dad saying:

 

Dear Dad,

 

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,

I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when

all my Teachers travel by train.

 

Your Son

Nasser

 

********************************************************

 

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad

 

Loving Son,

 

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop

embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

 

Your Dad

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Yay friday - looking forward to weekend bbq's

 

gif-grill-gas-explosion-788915.gif

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