Friday Funnies

[hellyer 216]

A man went into a chemist’s shop and said ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’. And the chemist said ‘Good morning sir. What can I do for you?’

 

What cheese would you use for hiding a pony? Mascarpone.

 

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’”

 

Remember: it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.”

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

 

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”

 

I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.”

 

My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some

[Alexander L 80]

[Alexander L 80]

My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some

 

It's Bangladesh.

[hellyer 216]

[hellyer 216]

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.

One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."

To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..

 

 

Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us...

 

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be

A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner

A Kate Moss - a bit thin

Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball

A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole

A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole

[hellyer 216]

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

[hellyer 216]

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.

A neighbour looks over the fence and says:

“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”

“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.

“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,

“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”

The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”

[Alexander L 80]

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

 

Familiar

 

[seemore 66]

A friend said to me: “I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it, it sounds like Pakistani”. I said: ”You’ll just have to try harder, Tariq”.

[seemore 66]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was

nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the

worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with

trembling hands....

 

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I

had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Mum and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,

tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older

than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we

will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of

firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more

children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt

anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other

people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so

Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

 

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,

I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many

grandchildren.

 

Love, your son, Joshua.

 

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school

report that's on the kitchen table.

[kokodoko 67]

What did the limestone say to the basalt?

Don't take me for granite!

[hellyer 216]

A beautiful, very depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

 

A passing hobo stops and says: "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway lady, would you mind if we had sex first?"

 

The woman said: "Hell no, I do mind ... get away from me!"

 

The bum turned to leave and muttered: "Fine then! I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[hellyer 216]

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and

asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

 

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

[hellyer 216]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

 

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,

'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,

'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man

So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start.'

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking

And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

 

'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

 

Moral of this story? ....

 

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

Always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Alexander L 80]

[hellyer 216]

[hellyer 216]

Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever

notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose

burns and you get all teary-eyed ?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

[hellyer 216]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[hellyer 216]

Keeping a sharp mind in retirement

 

 

As we slowly move through retirement,

 

we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.

I know, I saw it right away too....

 

No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important:

he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

[hellyer 216]

[Alexander L 80]

Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever

notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose

burns and you get all teary-eyed ?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

 

 

but

[hellyer 216]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

 

"Hello."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

 

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory..

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

 

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

 

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town..

 

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

[hellyer 216]

It's friday again

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'

 

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

 

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did'

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

 

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

 

I love this part.... :

 

 

'Only when he's pissed.'

[hellyer 216]

A woman is in bed with her lover - her husband's best friend.

During sex the phone rings.

Because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.

The guy listens in only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, Hi!

So glad you called. Really?...

That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific.

Great! Thanks! Okay. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the phone and the guy asks, "Who was that?

"My husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[hellyer 216]

SILENCE in an Irish Court

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."