Alexander L 80 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 it's against the rules Jokes need to be funny. Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 it was, you are just too thick to get it Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 it went right over my head Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UIB9Y4OFPs Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 don't see the relevance but a cracking song and it's good night from me - it's been fun Link to post Share on other sites
7-11 2 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 I'll read the updates on Friday..... Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 Just time for 1 before I head out to lunch er Business meeting. http://youtu.be/Yo9y5DjRt_8 Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack. My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk" Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab" Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 68.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit? http://youtu.be/UO9A4p1Qsvk The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. No matter where I go for work, I always end up working next to a asshole. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 a couple of late entries A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'. He forgets to switch off the intercom. 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.' Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first' Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 This is good. Weekend just ended and Friday already Link to post Share on other sites
kokodoko 67 Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 I have invented a new way to play tennis that doesn't make any noise. It's the same game but without the racquet. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 is it pong? Link to post Share on other sites
JA2340 16 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Only if koko farts in the pool! Link to post Share on other sites
Alexander L 80 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Your fixation to koko's anal excretions is noted. Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post kokodoko 67 Posted July 19, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted July 19, 2013 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chriselle 158 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 . . . . . crickets . . . . . . . .. Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Arab student sends an e-mail to his oil-rich Dad saying: Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train. Your Son Nasser ******************************************************** Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad Loving Son, Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad Link to post Share on other sites
Popular Post hellyer 216 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Popular Post Share Posted July 19, 2013 Lessons Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked infront of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with yourshareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up herleg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch whenthey find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and thelove of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, afox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'butI haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They'repacked with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of thetree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird frozeand fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize howwarm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chriselle 158 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 It's Fri...day.....woot Fri.......day.. Yipee Friday.... Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer 216 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Yay friday - looking forward to weekend bbq's Link to post Share on other sites
Slippery Jim 65 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Oops... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts