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The Lard thread reminded me of Top Tips in Viz that used to often be really funny. Here's some:

 

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

 

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

 

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

 

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

 

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

 

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

 

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

 

DRIVERS. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

 

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f*cking one.

 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

 

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

 

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

 

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

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