What to do???

[Yuki's Passion 1]

I don’t know where to start, but I need a place to vent.

 

As most of you know Im a homeroom teacher in Japan for 11th grade kids (coed). I have the biggest problem with one of my girls in my HR. Ill try to explain.

 

I came to this school last year and all the problems with her started the year before when she was a freshman. She is very scared of people, doesn’t know how to communicate, has zero confidence in herself, and is not very good academically. So in 9th grade when she was having a hard time with classes she was bullied by a few boys. Just words towards her, nothing physical. Saying things like youre ugly, stupid, why don’t you die, etc…not nice things at all obviously. For somebody like her with hardly any confidence in herself nor strength to stand up for herself, it destroyed her. She basically lost the plot, had to see a shrink, and couldn’t come to school and be in the classroom with those boys who were bulling her and for very good reasons.

 

Their families solution to this: send her abroad to Canada for a year eventhough every teacher, doctor, shrink, etc were against the idea. The reason is very obvious – shes just running away from her problems and not facing them head on, hence not solving them. Also, for somebody like her to miss over a year of math, science, Japanese, history, etc its just impossible for her to catch up when she comes back in as a Junior a year later.

 

Fast forward to now. She came back to Japan in the summer and has started classes since 2nd semester. Imagine going from French 1 to French 3 the next year. You just cannot do it right? That’s whats happening right now.

 

She only makes it through 1 week of classes before something happens. She accuses 4 boys in my HR of bullying her. Her mom and dad are both so far removed from logic its not funny…like its on the moon. They happen to be Korean (both bilingual and the father can speak intermediate English at best). The mom is psycho. Really. I was on the phone with her last week and was being screamed and yelled at for almost 45 minutes. Imagine every verbal fight you have ever seen in your life between strangers, parents, or even yourself, and this was by far the worst I have ever experienced or seen in my life. Inexcusable and unnecessary.

 

The mom is hunting for any reason to find blame in the school for everything that happens with her daughter, when she is actually just an incompetent person, academically challenged, and lacks confidence in herself. We, the school, have questioned the boys in my HR, other students in my class, as well as her friends but came up empty and didn’t find any proof of her being teased; so there was absolutely nothing we could do and didn’t punish the boys. That made the mom go off at us even more. Shes very unreasonable and just doesn’t even understand her own daughter in my honest opinion.

 

The mom and dad of the girl in my class have had a bad relationship for several years, and knowing the mom Im not surprised. Sorry, shes a F’ing bitch. The father 2 weeks ago told me that if I cant solve the problem of his daughter and get her back to school and studying again that his wife is going to leave him. He then told me that if that happened that he would kill himself. Yes, those were his exact words.　僕ãŒæ­»ã«ãŸã„。

 

**** YOU! Don’t tell me this shite. It has nothing to do with me. Your family problems are your problems, not mine nor the schools. Don’t blame us for having a stupid, wacked daughter, and for your mistakes in sending her abroad to help her only escape her problems and not solve them; in fact it made it worse cuz shes so far behind in her classes she wont be able to catch up. That was the biggest mistake.

 

There are 46 kids in my homeroom and I have really only had this problem in the last 2 years. This and my girl who has cancer – she is battling it and doing well, but its taking its toll on her. I keep her in my thoughts.

 

I don’t know what to expect from answers, just needed to vent. I hope this works out well but JFC this is just absurd. It takes up hours of mine daily just dealing with this F’ed up family.

 

If you’ve read it this far：ãŠç–²ã‚Œæ§˜ã§ã—ãŸã€‚

 

Got any advice?

[big-will 7]

Need time to digest that lot CB, but sounds freaky. Are you actually their one and only homeroom teacher? Must be an impressive school to have a foreigner as the main homeroom teacher, if you know what I mean.

[BagOfCrisps 24]

It seems to me that teachers often get a rather rough deal in Japan - like you are expected to be the kids parents as well as teacher. Good luck with it all!

[Yuki's Passion 1]

Originally Posted By: big-will

Need time to digest that lot CB, but sounds freaky. Are you actually their one and only homeroom teacher? Must be an impressive school to have a foreigner as the main homeroom teacher, if you know what I mean.

yeah, Im their only HR teacher - its one of the best schools Ive ever had the privilege of working at, and being full-time here really is an honor. 'Course kids are kids, and eventhough 99% of our kids are awesome, they still have problems. But, it just pisses me off that the mom and dad are putting their family issues on my plate when it has nothing to do with me. Ill deal with their daughter till my voice goes, but their marital issues are their own. This just shows me how F'ed up they are in the first place and dont truly understand what "responsibility" means, they just pass the buck...

[soubriquet 0]

Shouldn't you be passing the buck too? Are there any mechanisms within the school or social services to handle this kind of problem. You are a teacher, not a social worker.

[muikabochi 208]

Japanese teacher = teacher + social worker + parent

 

(There's some maths for you!)

[thursday 1]

a troubled family, yes, maybe you could alert the social workers now.

[soubriquet 0]

Originally Posted By: muikabochi

Japanese teacher = teacher + social worker + parent

(There's some maths for you!)

Equations might get messed up but they don't have emotions. That's why my math skills are better than my people skills.

Seriously CB, I'd be doing the Japanese thing here and turning into something collective rather than wrestling with it solo. That way, if it all goes tits up there won't be any recriminations. Basically they are projecting their insoluble problems onto you rather than taking responsibility for themselves. I don't see how you can be expected to carry that burden alone.

[Yuki's Passion 1]

Originally Posted By: muikabochi

Japanese teacher = teacher + social worker + psychologist + club coach + parent X 46kids

(There's some maths for you!)

*edited for clarity* Generally things are smooth and great save for small things here and there. There is always something though that comes up and bites you in the ass when youre just not ready for it nor have time for it. This is mine. It takes up roughly 2 hours/day of my time when it could be better spent on anything else and this has been continous since the first week in September.

Soubs, the student disciplinary/guidance board have my back and helping make this only a few hours/day issue. They are awesome and giving me tons of support. We arranged a meeting between the principal, vp, the disciplinary/guidance board (生徒指導部), myself, a counselor, and both parents. She can only miss 14 more days of school before she is automatically held back a year - and since she cant do the current work I really hope, and not in a spiteful way, that she is absent 14 more days throughout the year. It will honestly be the best thing for her to at least start again from 11th grade and maybe learn what they did in 10th grade since she skipped that as she was abroad.

I have no idea what the talk between us will be like next Thursday but hope it goes well. If things get outta hand with the mom, or the daughter has another episode and says shes bullied, I swear we will prolly need a lawyer. The mom today was picking and prying to find fault with the school and our stance on the issue. All she can do is blame us, when in fact, we cant do anything unless her daughter comes to school. Shes been gone over 3 weeks and midterms are just around the corner. Really, shes screwed for exams and is going to fail all her classes. Quite simply she should get home schooled or just not worry about this years grades and try to do what she missed last year.

Also, I have often suggested that she sees a psychologist but the mom rejects flatout and finds it insulting that I could say such a thing. Yes, lets not help your daughter and ignore the problem more The girl needs to find a way to open up because shes very lost in her head. The last time we spoke she was hyperventalating for several hours. Seriously. She had waves of it come and go between her crying and she couldnt breathe nor talk when she was like that. It was shocking. The last 3 times (days) that I saw her thats all she was able to do. So, yeah, shes completely fine. Lets not get her help though the mom was right there on the first day when I was informed of the situation and saw her the way she was. The mom said she had been like this at the house the last few days. I looked at her and took her in when she finally lifted her head up and our eyes met - shes gone. Her eyes were lifeless and black like a zombie. No twinkle. Not the way a 17 yr old should be ya know. No sense of hope, joy, confidence, etc. ...I dunno...Im at a loss of what to say or do.

I did give my hr kids another talk today about the situation and they all seem to understand. Those 4 boys know theyre on thin ice as it is anyways and if I do find out theyre at fault, then the shit will hit the fan. My gut feeling is that theyre innocent and this is her excuse to cover for the fact that she cant study and doesnt know anything thats going on. I mean, listen to this, the last time I saw her and talked face to face with her I recommended she go to all her teachers and get the work shes missed so she can at least do it at home. She asked me to take her to them all. WTF? Youre 17 years old and you cant even find your own teachers? Really? Should I wipe her ass as well? Took about 45 mins to get as much as she could from those who were still there. Really. She has got to grow up. Maybe getting out of her house was the best thing for her but now that shes back with her mom...I really wonder what her experience abroad was like and how much she could handle by herself...

I feel like outta her mom and dad. Sad thing is it wouldnt do any good.

Time for an Ebisu. Cheers for listening

[brit-gob 9]

Sorry to hear about all that CB. Sounds like a bunch of nuts in a crazy bag. If you don't mind me asking, how many hours do you put in? I bet a lot. And you probably don't get a huge amount of 'thanks' either. I know a few teachers and they work so hard, it saddens me.

[JA2340 16]

CB,

Was there no option of having her return to either the grade she left (when she went overseas) or the next one, rather than staying in step with the kids she atarted school with?

 

There's a lot to be said for mastery testing and progression on the basis of mastery rather than purely based on age. The downside of this is that you could end up with a student nominally in G8 who's doing English at G10 level, History at G6, and so on. Makes for a difficult timetabling process.

 

Wish I had a magic answer, mate, but the fact that you have the support of the school is one positive.

[HelperElfMissy 42]

Wow CB! You have a toughy on your hands there. But I can see from the way you express the situation that you have done your best and will continue to do you best with the child's (young woman's) best interests in mind.

 

Shame her parents don't have the same motivation.

 

It ticks me off to see parents who pass the buck with thier kids and refuse to admit there are problems that need addressing. They just want the perfect kid to affirm thier superior skills as a parent - without doing the work!!

 

Sounds like this girl is at HUGE risk of hurting herself - she needs help. But you have done as much as you can for now - just need to keep saying it at every opportunity.

 

Thinking of you as you deal with idiots!

[bushpig 0]

2-3 hours a day dealing with it?!? How long did it take you to type this post mate?! Stop your whining!

 

Mate, I reckon there is not much more you can do. The shitty thing about the Japanese system in the schools, is that the hr teacher basically gets shafted in these cases. The school will give you their support, but they really have very few ways of dealing with these kinds of students and their families effectively. I saw it time and again in my school. The poor hr teacher would spend so much time trying to play counselor, but where the f##k is the training for that? It's hard to do, but you have to just take a step back from it. She sounds like she is going to become a hikikomori, and as sad as that is, I honestly think that there is not much you can do to help her. The biggest problem her is her parents lack of willingness to admit she has a problem. A professional counselor or psych would even have probs dealing with this. So my advice is this. Don't give it too much time. You already have, and it hasn't helped. Look out for her when you see her, keep on top of it with your students, and don't lose too much more sleep over it. It's not worth the stress that they are projecting on to you. Unfortunately, as the hr teacher I know you have to keep spending time with the parents dealing with it. But just don't personalize it and take responsibility for it. It's not your shit to be responsible for. Think about this too. How much is it affecting the time you have to give to the rest of your hr? Are they losing out cos of all this? Mate, I dunno if this is helpful or not, but those are my thoughts. All the best with it

[Davo 1]

Sounds like the school should be providing you with more support about this. The parents in particular need to be expressing all their rediculous angst to someone at a higher level than you.

 

I feel sorry for the girl as her parents seem to be completely unhinged from any sense of reality. If this is their approach to handling the kids schooling what other messes are they creating in their lives. Time for the school to say enough is enough because it will only ostracise the girl more and have a negative effect on the other students.

 

Staying back a year would be the best possible thing for the girl. The parents both need to go to a shrink as they sound like they have serious anger/depression etc issues.

[Davo 1]

Anyway, back to my alcohol issues. Beers on the weekend?

 

Nevermind the hikikomori BP. I want to know how life is for NEET/Freeters like yourself in WA?

[bushpig 0]

back to working now mate... I have been forced out of semi-retirement by a rolling-pin bearing bpg (nah not really, but I am working now.)

[Davo 1]

Not such a bad thing mate, you're too young for semi-retirement anyway. They sell rolling pins in Australia too? If I'd known that I could have asked Ms. Davo to leave her one at home when we went on holiday there this July. Lugged the damn thing all the way there and back only to get several beatings for my trouble

[Yuki's Passion 1]

JFC, now get this, the father just called my keitai a few minutes ago and starts asking me all these random questions: am I married, do I have a gf, what are my hobbies, do I like women, and then procedes to find out if Im open to meeting girls. Really, this has got to stop. He wants to meet me outside work and not at his family. I politely declined stating I dont go out with parents (which is BS, I have) and just said if he wants to meet me I will make any time for him at school and thats it. Im not their F'ing counselor, nor will I touch their problems with a 2000 foot pole.

 

Britgob, on average I work 60 hours/week M-F, when I have work on Sat/Sun it can reach 80. Ive done a month with no vacation 2 times since coming here. Thats just the way it is. Ive been a teacher at many schools in Japan, over 12 of them including PT schools, have worked at a slut school in Hiroshima (Bushpig knows the stories), and other places as well. This is the pinnacle of teaching, though as you know a HR teacher in this country isnt a walk in the park. Its extremely busy.

 

Actually, you have no idea how grateful our students are. They are just awesome! I love these kids and its the ONLY reason why Im staying with this school and not leaving. They push me to become a better teacher and I love what I teach them. My elective class speaks for itself: English through Music: The History of Rock-n-Roll. I started with the invention of the electric guitar and have been progressing forward. There are no limits to what I can teach nor how I teach it. I can teach anything and everything, so I do. Next year Im gonnna do this elective class again which is for seniors only and am looking at doing a photojournalism class and try to get some of their stuff published through newspapers here.

 

Time for another beer, answer this stuff tomorrow.

[Tubby Beaver 209]

Originally Posted By: Creek Boy

JFC, now get this, the father just called my keitai a few minutes ago and starts asking me all these random questions: am I married, do I have a gf, what are my hobbies, do I like women, and then procedes to find out if Im open to meeting girls. Really, this has got to stop. He wants to meet me outside work and not at his family. I politely declined stating I dont go out with parents (which is BS, I have) and just said if he wants to meet me I will make any time for him at school and thats it. Im not their F'ing counselor, nor will I touch their problems with a 2000 foot pole.

Britgob, on average I work 60 hours/week M-F, when I have work on Sat/Sun it can reach 80. Ive done a month with no vacation 2 times since coming here. Thats just the way it is. Ive been a teacher at many schools in Japan, over 12 of them including PT schools, have worked at a slut school in Hiroshima (Bushpig knows the stories), and other places as well. This is the pinnacle of teaching, though as you know a HR teacher in this country isnt a walk in the park. Its extremely busy.

Actually, you have no idea how grateful our students are. They are just awesome! I love these kids and its the ONLY reason why Im staying with this school and not leaving. They push me to become a better teacher and I love what I teach them. My elective class speaks for itself: English through Music: The History of Rock-n-Roll. I started with the invention of the electric guitar and have been progressing forward. There are no limits to what I can teach nor how I teach it. I can teach anything and everything, so I do. Next year Im gonnna do this elective class again which is for seniors only and am looking at doing a photojournalism class and try to get some of their stuff published through newspapers here.

Time for another beer, answer this stuff tomorrow.

Hey CB, you don't need me to say how big a problem you have, but the dad calling you etc...I'd be VERY VERY careful of this. I'd inform the school, whether through your immediate line manager or just the Principal that this approach has been made and I'd ask him never to call your keitai again. I dunno if that is normal in Japan, parents having teachers numbers, but after this weird situation I'd politely decline to take his calls other than through the main school switchboard. This family is self-destructing, be very careful not to get hit in the aftermath

[Davo 1]

No doubt the parents are ultimately to blame for this. Might be a good idea to not take calls from them in the future after hours-just say you're busy and will get back to them the next day. Might give them pause to think about someone other than themselves, after all you're not public property mate.

 

I'm off to bed to dream about working at a slut school-for girls aged 18 and over of course. Hmmm,OK...25 and over is probably more apporiate for me I suppose.

[Yuki's Passion 1]

Davo, setting up a konpa, you game? We are going to be brining dice for 王様 game

[Yuki's Passion 1]

>Hey CB, you don't need me to say how big a problem you have, but the dad calling you etc...I'd be VERY VERY careful of this. I'd inform the school, whether through your immediate line manager or just the Principal that this approach has been made and I'd ask him never to call your keitai again. I dunno if that is normal in Japan, parents having teachers numbers, but after this weird situation I'd politely decline to take his calls other than through the main school switchboard.

 

Its the norm, thats why we have an emergency class contact list which has my number at the top. Parents contact me sometimes in the evening, but only a few times this year. I think in this case, I will pass on that message, only call me at work.

[tsondaboy 0]

Originally Posted By: Creek Boy

The father 2 weeks ago told me that if I cant solve the problem of his daughter and get her back to school and studying again that his wife is going to leave him. He then told me that if that happened that he would kill himself. Yes, those were his exact words.　僕ãŒæ­»ã«ãŸã„。

From the sound of it, you will be actually doing him a favor if you convince his daughter to quit school.

Seriously now dude, I think its time you stop dealing with it on your own and turn to the school. This is not something I would take initiative, after all she is not your privet student. Anything you do reflects back to the school and its reputation, so better have the principal more involved with this.

PS: I don't like to generalize, but I find the Korean mentality in rather strange.

[jared 0]

How was her year away? did she manage in Canada away from her parents. Perhaps finishing school in Canada might be the best option if they can afford it.

[Sam The Eagle's Brother 0]

Sounds terrible.

 

CB - how come the parents of the kids know your phone number? Is that a normal thing? I bet back home parents don't know the phone numbers of teachers at the school. Any problem and its call the school not call the teacher during late night!